Author Archive for M. Toole
DOG CATCHER STRIKE CRIPPLES NEW YORK
If it’s not one damn thing, it appears to be another, as city-wide strike by dogcatchers has created an near state of anarchy here. Dogs, running in packs of more than 50, have been looting and burning in some neighborhoods of Queens and Brooklyn since last weekend. At press time, sewer rats, many larger than the rioting canines, have threatened to join the melee, forming a frightening alliance against the city’s feline population. Garbage workers, angered by the mess that all of this rioting has caused are refusing to work overtime and many are talking about relocating to Connecticut or New Jersey until peace can be restored.
Weather Girl Talked Down
(Gunnison) A tragedy was narrowly averted this morning when a local weather gal was talked out of jumping from a nearby radio tower. According to authorities on the scene the meteorological storm trooper was distraught due to industry jobs moving to Mexico.
Over the past months more than 2000 weather-related positions have been sent south of the border where corporations can get a lot more talk for a lot less pesos. The trend appears to be here to stay as corporate thinkers take advantage of the misfortunes of poor Mexicans while “screwing the unions a good one” according to job brokers neck-deep on the Rio Grande.
The broadcaster, whose name was not released, has been high above the town since finding out her job had been terminated last week. The NAFTA Treaty, which allows for the import of U.S. industry, has relaxed restrictions on companies who desire to relocate within North America. What this country receives in return was not clear. Even tequila prices are up.
“It’s not that we have better weather access down here in Juarez, it’s just that it’s far more cost effective to hire talking heads here to compete for effective audiences in Tucson or El Paso,” explained a spokesman for the weather industry. “Who ever said we had to be in Milwaukee to report the weather there. We have satellites. We have cameras. We have drones. We have increased profits.”
The weather will be hauled down across the Sonoran Dessert by a fleet of trucks already registered in Mexico.
– Uncle Pahgre
LETTERS TO THE PREDATOR
Dear Editor:
We read with much interest your piece on dinosaur poaching in the May issue. Does Stegosaurus really taste like chicken? Does the Filibeaux clan really survive the winters on eagle steak? Why didn’t any of the other papers cover this important story?
Jim-Bob Raisin, Ouray
To the editor:
I am a newly enrolled student at Western State College but I would never have attended this session if I knew the ski area at Crested Butte would be shut down all summer. How can people here expect enrollment to increase when there’s no skiing going on? Also, while I’m on the subject of positive diversions I am shocked to find that none of the Gunnison nightspots offer aquatic karaoke. Hey, it’s the rage back east! Maybe it’s high time Gunnison County as a whole put a pencil to the problem and developed some workable solutions to this embarrassing situation. All of us aren’t into fly fishing, rodeos and small talk. If things don’t improve pronto, I’m going back to Chicago.
Mario Ratshu, Oak Park, Illinois
Dear Melvin:
It’s true. I am declaring my candidacy for President of these United States and plan to run as the Republican aspirant in 2028. Considering the state of affairs around here I think I have as good a shot as the next guy. By the way, I have appreciated the coverage your publication has given my public and private life since 1980 when I was just a measly senator from Indiana. I wanted to break the news first in the Horseshoe since it seemed like the appropriate place to do so. See you at the second whistle stop. Marilyn says howdy.
ˇ J. Danforth Quayl, Kokomo, Indiana
Dear Editor:
Please refrain from making fun of the Hutus and the Tutsis in your well respected publication. Publicity of this type only adds fuel to the fire that has been burning under the surface in Rwanda for years. Your circulation here in Kigali is much more extensive than you may have believed. PS: Thanks for hiring our gorillas. At least they may look forward to better days. We are anxious to see their by-lines in future issues. It could only improve the editorial content.
Mutumbar Jones, Rwandan Embassy, Washington DC
Dear General:
Attempting to solve the world’s problems through military intervention and economic sanctions is not working. Instead the United States should concentrate on invading only peaceful countries who are not likely to pull us into yet another quagmire. Why not leave North Korea, Iraq, Bosnia and Haiti alone and redirect our military priorities toward countries like Holland or Canada? Switzerland hasn’t been invaded since the days of Hannibal. Shouldn’t that nation be prime by now? What about a return to Grenada since, thanks to Ronald Reagan that island is once again pacified? Other potential targets for our military hardware are The South Pole, Greenland, Oz, the Shire and Shangri La. Surely everyone can understand the need to test our burgeoning arsenal of weapons but at what cost?
Pete Hangstaff, Falls Church, VA
To Whom It May Concern:
A lot of people thought you were just kidding when you wrote the story about the new oxygen pipeline from the Western Slope to Denver. Most believed you were simply trying to bring attention to the problem of the Brown Cloud and the environmental decay common to that once beautiful city. The enclosed photograph, snapped on Highway 285 near Conifer should verify all your claims and leave the doubting thomases in the dust. It clearly shows construction crews unloading pipe for that tedious chore. Thanks for uncovering this significant issue. Feel free to print the picture in your next issue.
Francisco Fatima Penal, Prairie Transportation Secretary
Dear Melvin:
Maybe I will play Norwood this summer or at least Paradox.
Garth Brooks, Nashville
Dear Editor:
All this talk about the presence of Grizzlies in Western Colorado has gone far enough. For your information there is one attempting to pump gas at my convenience store right now. The only problem is that she can’t get the unleaded nozzle into her gas tank and is becoming quite angry. I thought I saw it all during Bluegrass. I just hope she doesn’t want to use the bathroom too.
Warren of Wexley, Telluride
Dear General:
Can you use your influence to help find an appropriate date for the 1995 Montrose Harpoon Festival? The idea of holding it over the Fourth of July Weekend conflicts with the Lighter Than Air Balloon Affaire and only spells trouble down the road. Thanks for your assistance in this potentially explosive matter.
Elliott Chamber-Montbattan, Oak Grove
HORSESHOE ANNIVERSARY PARTY A BARN BURNER
(Denver-on-Fyre) The San Juan Horseshoe’s 50th Anniversary celebration was held at the elegant Brown Palace Hotel here on July 3. Invited guests, important advertisers and the paper’s staff made the trek over the Continental Divide for this landmark occasion. The evening’s international fare, served up in crystal goblets by candlelight included French champagne, Russian caviar, Swedish meatballs, Irish whiskey, Italian ice, Colorado beef, Japanese sushi, Colombian coffee, English muffins and Canadian bacon. It was enjoyed by all. The music was provided by ZZ Top, The Wolftones and the Pea Green Contemporary & Light Orchestra, Herman Dinges, director.
Sadly, the black tie affair was interrupted repeatedly by unknown parties claiming that they should have received an invitation to the festivities. Bouncers, appearing out of nowhere, threw the malcontents out into the damp, dreary streets of the Mile High City and returned to their posts for dessert.
A host of celebrities, arriving from as far away as Aspen, Adelaide and the Canary Islands were paraded around for all to see and then shoved out the back door via the hotel kitchen.
Publisher Kashmir Horseshoe apologized to anyone who was not in attendance saying that budget cuts and pecuniary considerations prevented the paper from inviting plebeian elements to the affair. He promised that a kegger would be held for the great unwashed at a local Grange hall sometime after hunting season.
-Small Mouth Bess
“All murderers shall be punished, unless of course they kill in large numbers, to the sound of trumpets. – Voltaire
Trump Tours, on the brink of another bankruptcy, expands VIP treks and cruises
Readers are hereby informed that red-eyed Trump Tours will offer discount all-inclusive journeys to include: Caracas, Tehran, Havana, Greenland. The Vatican, Kiev, Ottowa and Minneapolis this month. With Beirut, Yemen and Lagos stints and expansions coming this fall. Trump Tours has struggled of late in that most potential clients do not want to travel to these environs with red caps and do not trust the operators to provide sufficient security in these hot spots.
Are you awae that we are losing our freedoms in the United States?
QUEBEC CLAIMS ROCKIES OFF WAIVERS
The city of Quebec has recovered its NHL honor a la hockey, by raiding a poorly performing Major League Baseball franchise, it was confirmed this morning.
Although details are sketchy, a cash and players to be named later arrangement is already in place. The Tit-for-Tat move takes advantage of the Colorado Rockies’ dismal start, its continued poor performances and its comfort zone in the basement. It was a squad quite well on its way to losing 100 games again this season.
The long defunct Quebec Nordiques, under extreme financial pressure back in 1995, were sold and moved to Denver where the well-loved Canadian troupe became the Colorado Avalanche. Now the stumblebum Rox are likely headed north.
The Nordiques played in the NHL. 1979 – 1995
The Nordiques, in their heralded red fleur-de-lis jerseys, played at the Colisée de Québec and were intense rivals with the Montreal Canadiens. Stars included Michel Goulet, Peter Stastny, and Joe Sakic.
The near-total lack of English-language media limited the Nordiques’ marketability even in their best years, and made many non-French-speaking players wary of playing for them.
May 1975 The team relocated to Denver where it won the Stanley the first year there. 1976 & again in 2001
- Standouts included Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg, Owen Nolan, Mike Ricci, Wendel Clark, Andrei Kovalenko, Adam Deadmarsh, Martin Rucinsky, Scott Young, Bob Bassen, Claude Lapointe, Chris Simon, Rene Corbet
- Defense: Adam Foote,
Then the final piece, Hall of Fame goalie Patrick Roy, was acquired by the Colorado Avalanche in a blockbuster trade with the Montreal Canadiens on December 6, 1995
The Colorado Avalanche won the Stanley Cup in their first season (1995-1996) in the Mile High City after moving west from Quebec.
“Rockies like a wounded animal that needs love”
Upon hearing that Canada had adopted the professional baseball team, the entire country prepared a gala welcome.
“We aren’t expecting miracles up here considering the past few years in Denver but maybe the team can cut its losses at 80 or even 75?” whistled a front-tooth warrior from Montreal.
The familiar cap logo CR will soon be QG with fleur de lis in place. The former Colorado Rockies will now be known as Quebec Grand-peres after a popular Quebecois dessert.
“What are we going to do for a goalie?” Asked one Rockies’ outfielder. We have one of the best catchers in the league in Hunter Goodman. While many of our younger players look forward to slamming others into the boards we must learn to play the full three quarters from face-off to final.”
Meanwhile the new ownership has undressed concerns of players and fans. Will skates or spikes dominate the locker room floors? Will the team pull the infield in to prevent a power play? How would extra innings be handled? Just how hard is it to complete a hit-and-run in French? How might sliding into second on thin ice affect one’s penalty minutes?
As expected, skating lessons will replace batting practice and high sticking is now encouraged, delegated to aggressive performance at the plate. Catcher’s chest protectors, chewing sunflower seeds, sliding into the net, stealing bases, off-sides, blue lines, penalty boxes, dugouts, foul balls and bases on balls will be prioritized, provisioned, often hand-fed to the Canadian fan base.
“Due to the success and popularity of our Toronto Blue Jays we have educated followers and a savvy throng of enthusiasts up here,” said another hockey puck collector from Laval.
Over on Blake Street, Coors Field will be demolished and quickly replaced by rough and ready apartment houses that look like old warehouses and industrial depots ——- like Denver’s good old days before the Lo-Do hype.
“We Canadians will never forget that you stole our team and look forward to meeting these high altitude interlopers on the ice real soon,” spat an anxious Nordiques supporter who said he felt betrayed and predicted that the first Avalanche squad to play here would get an icy response.
-Fred Zeppelin
