Author Archive for M. Toole

Elk Bugling Classes Told

Learn to bugle like an elk in just three short weeks with our Super Emersion program. Pass by Testosterone Brothers Slaughterhouse in Colona for application and possible fiscal assistance arrangements.  Classes now forming at Ed’s Mobile Liver and Onion Wagon for the 2027 rutting season. Saturday mini-exposure sleepovers at the Ouray Poor Farm. Herd discounts weekdays. Horny instructors always. Wapiti insurance happily accepted.

Hallan estrangulado al gran inventor de las pantimedias

El reconocido inventor de las pantimedias, Melvin Toole, de 95 años, fue hallado estrangulado esta mañana en el baño de una biblioteca no identificada.

La investigación preliminar fue cerrada hoy tras arrojar escasos resultados sobre el violento suceso. Las autoridades admiten no haber determinado si se trata de un homicidio, un suicidio, un crimen de odio o incluso un accidente.

“Ocurren más accidentes en los baños que en cualquier otra parte de la casa”, comentó con nerviosismo una bibliotecaria visiblemente conmocionada. “Además, Toole ya no era precisamente un jovencito”.

Llevaba allí dentro bastante tiempo, pero, ya sabe, me resistía a llamar a la puerta, con eso de las leyes de privacidad y todo lo demás», exclamó con la respiración entrecortada un miembro del personal presente en el lugar.

— Tommy Middlefinger

Posers Surpass Brummagems, Frauds

People Watchers International says posers in the developed world have surpassed records set long before selfies, GPS, cell phones or AI arrived to help us have a better life as robots and orcs.

The borderline group has reluctantly studied a myriad of vivid, albeit glassed over, formulas, fears, explanations and stubborn mysteries for over 60 years leaving many contributors stumped with new riddles unsolved or still in paring mode.

When asked what conundrum stood out the most in his memory one snooping associate laughed. “We still haven’t figured out why there are more horses’ asses than horses, but we’re working on it.”

-compiled with the assistance of the San Juan Horseshoe —“The newspaper that can spell Uncompahgre backwards”

Vistors and guests:

While in Colorado this fall don’t miss the local and highly cosmetic Poser’s Ball held everyday in ski areas across the state.

No dogs, no alcohol, no loitering

Brunot Agreement Rescinded

After more than 150 years courting appeals and petitioning higher powers the Blue Sky People have won an unprecedented legal battle which effectively negates the Brunot Treaty and returning some 3.5 million acres of land to its rightful owners. The questionable agreement, signed in 1873 under blatantly false pretense, called for the removal of all Utes from the area of mines, which included all of the San Juans, most of the foothills and everything else that wasn’t tied down..

     Even though a previous Treaty (1868) guaranteed that the land “would be theirs forever” the newer entente, hatched by newcomers such as Governor Frederick Pitkin, called for the expulsion of the seven Ute bands to reservations along the New Mexico and Utah borders.

     At the time the Utes did not understand what the government had done. It had been their understanding during negotiations that they would give up land on which the mines were actually located, not all the land that contained mines. The situation was further clouded by a government decree recognizing Ouray (of the Uncompahgre Band) as chief of all Colorado Utes. This designation allegedly helped grease the smooth transfer of lands to white settlers.

     “If Ouray was chief of the Utes then my ass chews gum,” said one Ute sheep herder living near Ignacio. “He was never elected to anything. I was all a giant hoax to grab our land, which we feel cannot be owned in the first place.”

     During the last few days of hearings, Supreme Quart justices apologized to the Blue Sky People for “unparalleled grievances, rampant violence and methodical racism”. Saying that the land in question was stolen they declared all treaties starting with the Calhoun Treaty of 1850 to be null and void.

     “We can’t give these native peoples back their culture, their murdered families or their way of life but we can damn sure give them back their land.

     In keeping with the ruling, the town of Ouray will be renamed Colorow and the city of Gunnison to Tomichi. Colorow was a real chief and Gunnison had been named after early white explorer John Gunnison, a man of questionable moral fiber.

     “Tomichi sounds better,” continued the herder.

     “We expect it will take about 100 years for the land to return to its more natural state,” explained one Ute councilman from what was once called Cortez, and will now be named Weeminuche City.

     The white folks currently residing on the effected acreage will have until Friday to vacate the premises or be forcibly moved to reservations in the desert.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Electoral college eyeballs Montrose

  The city of Montrose has been named as a possible site for a new electoral college, scheduled to begin classes as early as January. Thanks to a private grant, the college will be built somewhere in rural Colorado. Since March a group of distinguished regents and provosts have been busy examining the pros and cons of each potential location.

     After serious reservations, due to problems associated with a state college appointment here in the Fifties, and to the demise of the Colorado Mountain College that was once operated in Montrose, decision makers had feared that the city was academically hostile due to cultural biases and since it did not have a functional bookstore within the city limits.

     Not just a commuter college, the new facility could accommodate up to 20,000 students once the dormitories are completed in 2035. Although nothing specific has been nailed down, future fathers of education and commerce seem intent on an eastside location, walking distance to the center of town.

     The college will focus on political science, chemistry and hospitality coursework with a BA or BS in liberal arts or agricultural science. Athletic squads will be encouraged and competition with existing institutions could begin this fall.

     Unreliable sources confirmed persistent rumors that the short list includes Cortez, Silverton and Maher as well as Montrose. Donors have chosen communities where an economic boost was most needed. At least twenty-five locales bid for consideration on the expansion of higher education. Other regional schools had little input at the final announcement, simply drooling at the prospect of another patsy on the gridiron.

– Hopper “Flash” Floode

(We) “could be court-martialed… and condemned to take a walk up Ladder Lane and down Hemp Street.” – conversation among castaway discussing the dangers of mutiny in The Wager by David Grann. Ladder Lane refers to the steps up the scaffold and Hemp Street is the hangman’s rope.

Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter

(Lake Ontario) Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates in the next few years should be aware of  imperfections ever there said Rev. Price Bullwhistle at a meeting of The Privileged Christians here.

The group is meeting again this morning to decide on how to eliminate political foes and to execute a mandate requiring forced adherence to its moral statutes in the region.

Yesterday Rev. Bullwhistle blamed a number of non-christians and underprivileged ethnic groups for the state of affairs in the Great Beyond. He assured the faithful that if the tow the line these inconveniences as well as their associated groups would be eliminate. Quoting from the Book of Moammar, the proverbial Bad Angel, Bullwhistle noted several of the more serious shortages:

1. Fuel is in short supply up there. Myths about 29 cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more.

2. Fast food outlets are on the brink of collapse due to a return to good health practices by the populace. Shortages of lettuce and ketchup have pushed the situation into the emergency corner.

3. Moses does not drive a red Cadillac anymore but has opted for a Toyota wagon.

4.Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are a quarter in most places if you can find one that works at all. A phone call from heaven to say, Purgatory often costs up to $1.50 for three minutes and the price is expected to go up again this fall.

5. Lift tickets are not still $10 at major ski areas but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world as well.

Bullwhistle went on to tell the faithful of other myths associated with eternal living. His biggest concern seemed to be of a political nature.

“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag draped pulpit. “He was never elected Governor of California in paradise either.”

According to Bullwhistle the black and white film of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not and never has showed Adolph Hitler shaking hands repeatedly with Jesse Owens either. Hitler, now residing “on the other side of the tracks” as it were, is a  popular after dinner speaker in there netting in the neighborhood of 120,000 induls (from indulgences) heaven’s main form of currency.

Socially Bullwhistle warned of such common myths as “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I want” and “Forget about personal hygiene- I’m a spirit now and no one can smell me anyway.

“Imagine if you will,”  offered Bullwhistle, “a slow moving elevator crammed with the fat and righteous who haven’t been investing in deodorant or tooth paste. Hell may indeed have its fury but we would have smelled heaven’s wrath,” he wailed.

The Reverend continued by verifying rumors that the New York Times Book Review was available in the hereafter and that 138,000 heavenians were injured by falling through clouds in 2017 alone. He concluded on a disheartening note, however, telling the assembled multitude that time spent judging their neighbor while on earth did not transfer into graduate credits up there.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

“The initial American strategy failed, the war with Iran is consuming the entire region, Iran and Ukraine are risking a face-off, there is evidence that both Russia and China are escalating their military commitments, American munitions stocks are dwindling and Trump is raging.  – David French, New York Times