Author Archive for M. Toole
Hell Bans Smoking
One of the last vestiges of puffing has gone by the wayside today as Hell announced a moratorium on tobacco smoking slated to begin in September. After that date anyone caught smoking will be subject to further disciplinary actions, beyond the daily tortures and deprivations common to the place.
Unlike most spots on earth there is nowhere to step out for a smoke near the confines of Hell. Cigarettes, easy enough to find there, had crept up to $20 per pack on the Black Market in Hades. According to unreliable sources, pit demons felt that workers were abusing smoke breaks and taking too much time to get back to hard labor details costing them money.
Hell wasn’t so bad before,” said one condemned man. “Every Tuesday was poker night even though we don’t have cards or chips down here. Friday was martini night even though we don’t have gin or ice. At least we had cigarettes.”
Smoking, thought to have been tolerated beyond these fiery gates for millenniums, was recorded by Dante during his legendary visit to hell in the Middle Ages. Sinners stuck in the place tell of smoking tobacco in seances. Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, a regular visitor to hell during the Iraq War, said the place smelled like a bar room after a prairie fire. He observed that “everyone was smoking, some of them two and three cigarettes at a time”.
The decision comes as a shock to most hellions who considered smoking a sacred right in the land of fire and brimstone.
“I just never expected this sizzling dump to embrace political correctness,” said the condemned source.
The decision was purely mercantile. The bad angels that run hell don’t care about health and general welfare. They are simply under continued pressure from resident insurance industry lobbyists who insist that their industry is losing money on insurance claims related to smoking. Hell’s new seat belt laws originate from the same bent morality cruises.
I guess we’ll all have to put up or shut up,” cried one angry woman who says she still has cartons of Marlboros stashed.
“I just can’t imagine going through eternity without a cigarette,” she said.
– Gabby Haze
Kryptonite discovered in SAN JUAN mountains
A major deposit of the rare mineral Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine above Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of cell phones.
Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.
Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become millionaires overnight.
“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”
Since last Tuesday thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business, and there’s no end in sight.
Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Ute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Ute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Utes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.
In an official statement Governor Polis has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.
– Rocky Flats
Hermits to host mixer
(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 2 and 3 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two day affair.
Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.
“Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”
Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.
“There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”
Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.
“We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.
Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene.
We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?” – Melvin Toolski
Rockies Relocate Bull Pen to Western Slope
Mooove seen as foolhardy, reckless by league bosses
(Gunnison) The Colorado Rockies, beside themselves with the performance of the relief pitching thus far this season, have decided on the risky, yet seemingly logical relocation of their bull pen to Gunnison.
Desperate for a solution to late inning collapses, blown saves and generally poor play the team announced the changes this morning.
“We plan to bring our entire relief staff to Gunnison to be closer to the cows…and since there are so many distractions in Denver,” said High Hurdle, Director of Player Motivation. “We hope that the bull pen will thrive in a more agricultural environment. There are more cows there per capita and since the baseball program at Western State college was terminated back in the 80s, there we can always get a field for practices.
Heavy hitters in Gunnison and the surrounding area are invited to participate in the last ditch attempt to save the season.
“Come out and face our best relief pitchers and you could win a turkey or maybe even a car,” said Hurdle. “Helmets will be provided, just bring your own spikes.”
The search for competent relief staff will reportedly continue through August at which time the team will officially give up until next year.
“Hypnotism hasn’t worked, bonuses haven’t worked,” said Hurdle. “Maybe a few months commuting to the mound from Gunnison will do the trick. A little fresh air can do amazing things.”
Sources within the bovine sector in Gunnison had no comment on the matter at press time.
– Zorro DesPlants
NEWS BRIEFS
Dr. Pepper Ends Life in Clovis
(Farewell, Texas) The lifeless body of soft drink icon, Dr. Pepper, was discovered at the Enchantment Motor Court late last night after police received a anonymous tip as to a disturbance there. Eye-witnesses say gunshots were first fired at a dysfunctional pop machine and then the perpetrator allegedly turned the gun on himself.
Dead on the scene was Pepper, who gained early fame as an upbeat personality soon attaining greatness as the inspiration for a hyper cult called Peppers.
“It’s sad to think of Dr. Pepper engaged in all that dancing around about nothing,” said one resident who lives in his car next to the motel. “I wonder how many bottles of pop those people had to drink to reach such a point of euphoria?”
It was not clear why Pepper chose Clovis as the site of his bitter end. At present suicide is still illegal in New Mexico. Close associates suggest that poorly managed investments, stomach problems and disappointing romantic interludes may have led to his demise.
Response from the soft drink industry was mixed with many offering condolences to the immediate family. The more insensitive point out that he wasn’t even a real doctor. Harsh critics say he was an overbearing also-ran who “made a mockery of all that is pure and effervescent.”
Executives at Dr. Pepper itself say he will be missed. And now comes the tough job of finding a replacement from the over 4000 applications of employment received since yesterday.
“We’re looking for that special personality that can pull all the other Peppers together,” sobbed one exec and retain our share of the beverage market.” – Suzie Compost
Elves will not make good air marshals say experts
(Denver) Security officials here say plans to employ hundreds of Christmas elves as federal air marshals is a big mistake. They say the elves are lazy, corrupt, often drunk and far too short for the job.
“We need punctual, strong security personnel with enough muscle to do the job,” said Howard Ducktape, newly named security administrator at DIA, “not some pack of pathetic little clock punchers in pointy-toed shoes.”
Ducktape went on to recommend that no elves be included on any security force at the airport. He assured travelers that the formation of a professional security team, comprised of federal workers, will be in place before the start of the new year.
He said the 112-year-old “terrorist” apprehended by trainee elves yesterday was released after questioning. Apparently the retired school teacher from Cahone, whose name was not released, had attempted to board a plane to Reno with knitting needles in her carry-on. After a scuffle it became clear that the elves were no match for the grandma. Despite the fact that they had nixed the knitting needles they could do little to restrain her. Finally she surrendered to National Guardsmen on the scene.
“She had nothing but praise for everyone, which is typical of little old ladies,” said Ducktape. “It makes me sick.”
To show there are no hard feelings the former teacher is said to be busy knitting afghans for everyone.
Wild Horses Get Life on the Range
(Maybell) Herds of wild horses roaming the open spaces here have been given a reprieve and stay of execution due to budgetary limits imposed by the Bureau of Land Management. The agency, which often destroys wild horses to control the flourishing herds and protect domestic stock, cannot afford to kill the beasts due to operational cutbacks and severe layoffs amid the shadow war against domestic adversaries and a plethora of sovereign countries.
“We have instead rescinded the sentences imposed to a life sentence on the open range,” boasted an advisory board within the Department of the Interior.
No new roundup of the wild horses is slated until at least October.
Although no one actually expects the animals to comply with the judgment, the horses will be confined to an area of not more than 4000 square miles extending from northwest Colorado to southern Wyoming and eastern Utah. All previous transgressions on the part of the herds will be forgiven based on good behavior and compliance with the newly imposed code of ethics.
A one-toed, hoofed spokesman within the herd did not return our phone calls Thursday.
– Earl MacAdoo
