Author Archive for M. Toole

Polsters See Boo Wave October 31

(Lake Ontario, New Mexico) The Mid-Term elections are a few days away and the pollsters have relaxed their bantering, their jabbering about numbers and prospects that no one can fully predict. Now these same talking whippets are on to new territory: The alleged Halloween Boo Tidal Wave, a phenomenon of its own making that many say will rock the electoral process and set the country on a different path.

“We’ve covered the Boo Crew too,” cried one network plug-in, even though it’s about basketball or something.”

     Actually the reference to the Boo Crew is about baseball and the Milwaukee Brwers winners of the 2026 World Series. Oh Ya! Wait. Did I just see Bob Ueker in the stands or …back behind the plate?

California Admits Faults

  In a departure from the flash and glitter, California today admitted its faults. In a repentant, unbecoming mood, the state identified both Calaveras and San Andreas Faults as its own.

     The Golden State reportedly hopes that by coming out of the closet on this, it can better accept the reality of earthquakes and climate disorders down the road. It is surmised that a higher level of trust might be attained with neighboring states in the event of projected problems all along the Pacific Rim.

     Most faults are either planar fractures or a discontinuity in a volume of rock. The displacement occurs along these fractures as a result of earth movement. Earthquake magnitude can be measured by these mega-thrusts, while prediction is often left to seismic scales due to molecular shifts and geological phenomenon active in affected regions.

     In a prepared statement a state geotechnical engineer confided to reporters that California is seeking help and is enrolled in primary therapy aimed at identifying and correcting imbalances in the social fiber (faults).

     As a gesture of sincerity, the Pacific Rim state has already agreed to reevaluate standing water agreements with several Rocky Mountain States, embracing conservation this time around. A persistent drought has complicated negotiations, often clouding the issues, resulting in misconceptions as to the priorities of the players.

     “We’d like to see a moratorium on new golf courses and swimming pools,” said Colorado Rep Oral Noise, (Unitarian-Pueblo). “A fervent display of progressive ideals such as this might help everyone keep his boat afloat.”

– Cowboy Mountain Man

BUS ENTHUSIASTS FORM CLUB

(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first recognized and official bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.

     In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night at the site of the demolished LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.

     “We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Ralph Cramdent of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”

     Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.

     “With the Congress dragging its feet on passing gas we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramden, “and there’s nothing worse than a rookie holding up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”

Cigarette Tax Would Fund Firing Squads

(Lake City) A proposed cigarette tax would help defer the cost of providing regional firing squads, according to anti-smoking advocate Senator Oral Noise. The honorable politician made this statement while hunting with a host of wealthy, crooked politicans including local standout Cyril Rathboner, in Hinsdale County yesterday.

     Most of the revenue collected through taxation would go directly for the squads,” said Noise, “with about 40 percent easily gobbled up by administrative cost. We feel that this plan earmarks the funds for one specific purpose and does not place the money in a cookie jar pork barrel accessed by too fingers.”

     Noise did not comment on the further disbursement of taxes, saying that he would wait until after his election to elaborate on the matter.

     Firing squads are employed by many law enforcement agencies across the state, and due to the traditional last minute ritual, have been associated with smoking for centuries. Anti-tobacco conerns have come unglued at these proposals citing health risks of smoking.

     “We don’t know how the public will react to this gesture,” smiled Toole, “or who might benefit from the suggested reapportionment.

– Pepper Salte

Local Airport Gears Up For Halloween

Rather than, as a precautionary measure, ban costumes from departures and arrivals on Halloween Day the Cookie Tree Airstrip has announced it will beef up security in and around the facility.

“This will consist of bringing in about 50 head of cattle and bovine accessories,” said Fred Zeppelin, Director of Homing Pigeon Safety for the military gov’ment. “We figure with all those Herefords hanging around the X-ray machine nobody’s gonna sneak through our radar.”

Airflow officials expect traffic to be heavy and disguises to be common on Halloween, a holiday stolen from the pagans and turned into All Saints Eve by early Christians in 54 AD.

“It’s hard enough landing a 747 in mined skunk cabbage fields without having a bunch of loonies running around dressed like witches or Frankenstein,” said Zeppelin. “What if someone dresses up like an Arab? Some might even try to dress up like us. This could get ugly.”

– Melvin “I’ve been on vacation since 1950” O’Toole

Many Porn Stars Do Not Use Real Names

(Lake Ontario) Fearing identity theft and worse today’s leading pornography icons have taken to using aliases in lieu of given names. While many of the monikers are clearly outlandish, some sound quite normal, minus the traditional onomatopoeia and sexual innuendo.

     Often reigning in confusion over duplication of stage names, sets must be constructed so as to accommodate a host of prima donnas and difficult personalities.

     “These people are not the easiest to work with,” said one director who said his name was John Doe. “They all want top billing while their integrity stops at the bedroom door.”

     The entire industry was pushed to the brink of chaos last March when it was announced that over 600 porn jobs would be exported to emerging countries due to fiscal and professional demands on the part of porn stars here.

     “While we realize that careers in this thin-skinned industry are short, there is no need to get greedy,” said Doe, “just because everyone else exhibits this devious behavior.”

     Doe pointed to politicians as another immoral group that tends to use family names even though they are often caught with their pants down as well.

     “I don’t know why these actors and actresses are making it so tough on everyone else,” he frowned. “They are in effect cutting their own throats. There are unlimited opportunities for them as lobbyists when they are finally over the hill in the entertainment industry.” – Dieter Upinshads

“You must focus on vocabulary. A mastery of words to do with sports, food,  dance, finances and women. That will pretty much get a bright lad like you what he might need in any culture.”   

– Justo Hipolito, Concordia, Argentina, 1903.

“Frugality at another’s expense is no virtue.”  – Uncle Pahgre