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Magnesium Chloride Savior of Civilization

(Ouray) Layers of Magnesium Chloride hitting the highways in Colorado not only effectively melt ice and snow but keeps the encroaching pine and aspen jungle at bay.

According to sources at the Colorado Department of Transportation, the secondary advantages of the chemical application comes as a bit of a surprise and may outweigh the initial benefits associated with dry roads and safe motoring..

“We can’t have the savage forests of Western Colorado dominating town streets and areas of higher population,” said an organic chemist at CDOT who is regarded as the folcrum behind most road treatment projects.

The trees, which threatened to engulf most communities only a few years back are now under control. Many along the highways have died due to the exposure to mag-chloride, which, according to a slew of tests and surveys conducted in Denver, is in no way harmful to humans.

“We don’t know what the overall, long-term effect will be on deer and elk,” said the chemist, “but the magpies seem to be healthy enough.”

When road crews first began applying mag-chloride to the highways it seemed to be the most logical approach to the problem of winter conditions here. Now, after criticism from environmental groups and others who say the winter sun melts the snow in good time.

“Did the Town of Ridgway get a good deal on the stuff?” asked one local critic of the program which she conceded does keep dust down in summer. “I’d rather have a little dust than dead trees and the negative impact on my vehicle. Somebody’s making money on this operation and I don’t mean the average highway worker. It still is not clear how the whole arrangement came down and we fear that someone is being bought off at the upper levels of the existing hierarchy.”

A spokesman for the state transportation agency called the accusations total nonsense saying the mag-chloride is necessary to stay on top of record snowfalls and below average temperatures which “turn the roads to skating rinks and impassible routes to nowhere.”

But now with the realization that mag-chloride kills bad trees and vegetation, the issue is once again on the table as well as up in the air.

“We’re not talking Agent Orange here, or even a less potent defoliant. It’s just mag-chloride,” said the spokesman. “It’s as safe as any other chemical currently in use. Besides, without those trees clogging up everything it’s far easier and cheaper to carry out mowing operations.”

One environmentalist organization, calling itself Western Wilderness Warriors has called for the closure of all highways until the matter is resolved. They insist that the trees have rights and deserve consideration.

“We already see loss of pristine forests to logging and to the construction of subdivisions,” said a release from WWW. “Why do we have to jeopardize our resources just to melt the snow faster. We have lost touch with what is natural on the planet and she is going to come back with a vengeance, just wait and see.”

CDOT sources say that they would prefer building fence and mowing to the application of the chemicals but that, much like nuclear waste, they wouldn’t know what to do with the unused gallons already on site.

“We can’t just dump it in a hole and walk away,” said one worker.


Sunflowers and Sneffels

Sunflowers and Sneffels

US May Magnetize Proposed Wall

US May Magnetize Proposed Wall

(El Pesto) Shadow forces within the United States government continue to insist that robots from “another place and time” are illegally crossing our southern borders to take jobs away from American workers.
The answer to the problem: Magnetized walls from here to the Pacific Ocean.

Although no immigration wall of this magnitude currently exists many leading social and law enforcement agencies are calling for more security on top of what is yet to be built. Construction of a permanent control structure, once the kingpin of the Trump campaign appears to have fallen through the cracks in light of Russian probes, expensive Florida vacations and the crisis with North Korea.

And now it’s robots.

As anyone educated in the United States knows robots are built of metal and are governed by the laws of gravity and negative attraction factors that are known to immobilize robots. The clandestine blueprint, which allegedly calls for the installation of over 2 billion mounted microscopic magnets on the south side of the wall, has been criticized by a plethora of local business and civic groups and even human rights groups who say the action is not necessary.

“These robots are a figment of a paranoid imagination,” said one small border town mayor. If there are robots coming our way they will most likely take to performing jobs that no one else wants to do. The numbers may spike at first but will soon settle down in response to a sluggish economy like the human surge a few years ago”

He went on to add that most robots are economic refugees and do not pose problems for society.

“There are a few gangsters and criminal robots to be sure,” he frowned, “but what we need are better methods for culling these intruders and separating the bad apples from the good ones.”

Many residents confirm that no new wall has been constructed and that skeleton crews are only repairing existing infrastructure along the existing frontier.

“I for one wish they’d get off this wall business and rebuild the rotting infrastructure in the rest of the country,” scoffed the mayoral source. “Nobody seems too interested in this kind of work. Maybe there’s not enough money to be made. Maybe these robots would be interested in a little moonlighting.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Most Yeti Are Peaceful Herbivores

Most Yeti Are Peaceful Herbivores

Summer campers received some good news today as a long-awaited study has concluded the most Yeti (also spelled Yetti) are not a threat.

The Himalayan Bigfoot that roam the Rockies from Canada to Mexico can however be provoked, and present a formidable adversary in the forest.

Campers advised to leave the canned fruit and fresh vegetables at home and barbecue steaks and fish on their grills. There have been only a few recorded incidents of contact this summer mostly in the San Juans. All of them have occurred due to humans leaving Yeti yummies and Bigfoot bites unattended when they turn in for the night.

Our large midnight intruders are not thieves by nature and would prefer to ask before helping themselves to a skillet of caramel carrots, curing kale or a plate of unfinished salad. Usually campers are already dozing when the munchies hit and courageous Sasquatch enter a tent site.

Most Bigfoot are content to chew on sagebrush and down copious amounts of skunk cabbage while grazing on high meadow grasses. They love baseball and quiet, well-behaved children while disdaining dogs, small four-wheelers and fireworks.

The appearance of teeming marmot herds often herald the arrival of Yetti to an isolated camp or even a cabin. It is not clear whether the large rodents are driven by the larger Yetti or if the marmots are trying to get out of the way of what they perceive as potential trouble. Outdoorsmen know this. Tourists should take heed.

“Don’t hassle the Yetti or stare in the direction of the beast since this kind of behavior is regarded as aggressive by the mythical creatures,” said one park ranger. “Big Foot is not a name they appreciate. Would you? In addition these creatures do not trust humans. Do you?”

The mindless tourist economy has all but spelled the end to the Yetti, whom, like the bear and the lion are running out of elbow room.

“People worry and moan about reintroducing predators to Colorado and yet leave the gates open during tourist season,” warned one unreliable source. “Frankly I’d rather have a moose or wolf in my front yard than one of those monster RV units.”

– Uncle Pahgre



(Montrose) Not one person was lost in Montrose car washes so far in 2017 according to the Occupational Safety and Health Association . This phenomenon, when compared to 2016 when seven residents disappeared in the fine, soapy mists of cleanliness, was lauded as a great achievement by the city’s mayor and council, who spoke anonymously.

It is estimated that 148,937 persons washed cars here from January through August, up 14% from 2016. This year the slate is clean while some 22 persons were injured or at least chronicled as victims of the technology.

“We think the entire industry deserves a pat on the back because we can’t think of anything more pertinent to say,” said one city councilperson. “If other industries like banking (where hundreds are lost to ATM machines annually) and dog food producers (kibble dust) would take a hint here quality of life would improve for all of us.”

One local merchant Mango T. Gargoyle III, owner of Mango’s Mindanao Tiger Traps, of Spring Creek Mesa, praised the car wash attendants saying that without their keen vigil losses might have been substantial.

“Although not trained in an variety of medical emergency response these brave car wash technicians are a tough, savvy breed, capable of search and rescue procedures not known to the average Joe,” he quipped.

Gargoyle has been under investigation by both OSHA and the Colorado Department of Health for alleged safety abuses in the jungle and in the employee lunch room.

“They just won’t climb off my posterior!” he complained. “I pay taxes. I employee people all over the world. OK, so on occasion (OSHA estimates 300 former employees lost in 2015 alone) we lose a few workers. Lord knows with the state of affairs in 2017 people, and not tigers, are the expendable element.”

Meanwhile a gala celebration is slated for October with balloons, fireworks, rodent dogs and a visit from former Transportation Secretary, Federico Pena, who, much like Geraldo Rivera, is under investigation for manipulating his Hispanic heritage for ill gotten gains.

“We hope that  2017 will be incident free,” said one car wash troubleshooter. “I hate like hell trying to retrieve customers from our car wash. It’s really wet in there and they always struggle when I put them in the blower/microwave to dry.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Can Openers Beneficial

(Somewhere near Gunnison, summer 1882)

Cowboys working the herds from here to Laredo learn real quick, especially when it comes to their chow. Thanks to the invention of the can opener the joys of the chuckwagon have now become even more accessible.

“This little gadget has made it possible to eat and run,” said one cowpoke. Sometimes we don’t get the chance to sit down to dinner. The cows don’t always wait until we finish eating to stampede or wander off.”

One camp cook employed by the Circle D Cattle Company told The Horseshoe that he didn’t know how they got along without it.

“I don’t know how we got along without it,” he said.

The metal opener is designed to fit under the brim of a can and, with a simple turn of the wrist, the top of the can is separated from the holding portion. Some cooks claim that they can open 10 cans in 10 minutes although the boast has been questioned by record keepers from Montana to Texas.

“Now if someone would only invent canned beans we would be in total harmony with our surroundings,” said the cook.

-Wardeene Scrubb