White Collar Workers Riot

Expensive Cars Turned Over, Portfolios Hurled at Police

(New York — Nice Neighborhood News — April  25, 2016)

Financial district workers continued a rampage up and down Wall Street this morning, angered by the shooting of an alleged white-collar criminal by local police. Shouting down authorities the privileged mob moved toward Fulton Street where other angry local Bourbons, including doctors, lawyers and dot com nouveau rich joined them.

Most had even loosened ties, chucked heels and discarded expensive cuff links as they joined the hellish mêlée.

The misguided frolic precipitated after a Black officer shot a white-collar worker after the latter allegedly fled the scene of insider trading and penny stock manipulation. The location has been known as a high yield hedge house where margins were often counted in beta bytes and the index determined by who had the hot hand at the closing bell.

“Embezzlement is embezzlement no matter what time of the day,” said a spokesman for the police department. “The suspect failed to heed the warnings of the officer in the early morning hours and paid the price.”

The suspect is recovering from a leg wound at Steven Talkhouse Clinic in Queens. According to Officer Truman Washington he shot only after the alleged perpetrator continued to elude him on Nassau Street and threatened passersby with a heavy briefcase and his cell phone.

His name is being withheld until his significant brokerage clients can be notified. The officer is on temporary suspension with full pay until the matter can be reviewed and stock options identified.

Police have cordoned off all secondary avenues leading to and from the epicenter of the demonstrations. Saabs, Volvos and Cadillacs litter the backstreets. The affluent crowd exhibited fortuitous restraint when it came upon Mercedes Benzes and Rolls Royces parked along the Hudson River.
Sadly, a nearby sushi bar was torched and its gin reserves quickly depleted when it refused to open early for lunch. Minority-operated news stands, beauty parlors and unlucky pizza joints were vandalized by the surging throng of wild-eyed professionals.

“An inner alarm went off inside this wealthy herd and the vehicles were untouched,” said the source. “It was some kind of sacred come-to-your-senses respect thing that overshadowed the compulsive rage that we’ve suffered for the past few days here.”

While authorities have succeeded in isolating the violence many fear that the situation will escalate after the market shuts down for the day. Efforts by White leaders to calm the crowd appear to have failed. Police remain hopeful that the majority of the troublemakers will return to the robotic afternoon commute and return to steaming ghetto redoubts in Greenwich, Short Hills, New Rochelle and Great Neck.

If not, Mayor Bill de Blasio has threatened to call out New York and New Jersey National Guard units unless they are still busy fighting in the Mideast.

– Cory Applewhite