East Colfax Added to Wolf Reintroduction Locales

Projected wolf reintroduction deployment regions include wilderness around  Aspen, Gunnison, Montrose, Glenwood Springs and now East Colfax Avenue said a spokesperson for the Colorado Division of Wildlife this morning.

Early projections suggest the expansion is in response to voter behavior a few years back where Front Range residents voted to reintroduce wolves and the smaller population on the Western Slope voted against the plan.

“It’s all rather absurd when one considers that the wolves will be dropped on the westside,” said an architect of the East Colfax experiment.

DOW officials would not comment when asked if there were not packs of wolves already living west of the Continental Divide. Scientists say the animals have a far reaching orbit and that they will drift into New Mexico and Wyoming as well as the Beehive State (Utah).

“None appear to have maps or GPS and travel on instinct and because they can,” said one zoologist.

The reintroduction is part of a combined effort with a  Colorado Department of Transportation strategy to release of thousands of skunks on Highway 550 before spring.

“The presence of so many skunks should cut down on the traffic,” said an asphalt bureaucrat digesting a work order on his computer in Denver. “It’s cheaper than bringing the highway up to modern standards. 

The artery, often called I-550 by commuters, has become quite dangerous even without considering weather and migrating animals. CDOT has built more than 60 miles of guardrails from south from Montrose. Are they meant to be a preventative or simply quick clean up? No one knows.

– Tommy Middlefinger