UTAH ACCUSED OF STEALING ELK

(Moab) The state of Utah has once again been accused of stealing Colorado elk. A formal complaint was filed in district quart here this morning calling for the return of the animals and undisclosed reparations that would be paid to Colorado from its neighbor to the west. The document alleges that diabolical and covert factions representing the powers that be in Salt Lake City have been kidnapping elk from the Uncompahgre Plateau and smuggling them past elite border patrol divisions at Mack, Dove Creek and LaSal Junction.

“These evil connivers have been disguising the elk as jumbo holiday fruit baskets in order to slip past the guards,” said Melvin Toole, a recognized expert in cattle rustling who spent ten to twenty at Canon City working toward advanced degrees on the subject. “They’re obviously trying to beef up their own pathetic herds in order to compete for out-of-state hunters.”

Utah is already doing a bang-up job of competing with Colorado in the arenas of skiing and summer tourism.

“This is a sensitive issue due to fiscal overtones,” said Toole who remains true to his warped contention that since there is no longer a state tourism tax there is, in turn, no longer a reason to be nice to tourists.

Meanwhile sources in Utah insist that they have never stolen so much as a Columbine from Colorado.

“We won them elk fair and square in a poker game in Rangely last month,” said one Utah wildlife officer. “Yeah I know Mormons ain’t supposed to gamble but we got carried away with the all them pretty chips and all.”

According to the latest count some 350 elk and a few hundred deer are currently missing and that represents grand theft, punishable by fines and penal servitude.

“They can’t prove a darn thing,” added the Utah suspect, “since the elk cross the borders whenever they like and nobody holds wapiti branding sessions anymore.”

 St. Roscoe Appears to Arkansas Hunters

(Cimarron) In a rare mid-week appearance Saint Roscoe, the patron saint of RV enthusiasts, visited three different hunting camps on Wednesday evening warning inmates as to the dangers of camp beans. Showing up at dinnertime at a large encampment on the West Fork of the Cimarron St. Roscoe encouraged hunters to eat more greens while out in the woods.

“Believe you me,” began Roscoe, “if you see the forest as your ally it is imperative to embrace some form of the vegetarian experience.”

The occupants of the camp, all from Arkansas, smiled and offered Roscoe biscuits and gravy. All agreed that the saint was quite inebriated and repeatedly yielded to a small pint bottle that he had in his coat pocket.

“I’ve never seen a polyester leisure suit in that shade of blaze orange,” said one hunter.

Hopefully he won’t be back,” quipped another. “He was scaring the daylights out of the horses.”

Saint Roscoe stopped by for a few minutes at two other camps in the vicinity but according to everyone involved he had already forgotten his message and was content to exchange hunting tales with the assemblage.

KBUT TO BROADCAST HUNTING SEASON

(Crested Butte) Once again KBUT-FM will broadcast the current hunting season in its entirety. The program, expanded this year to include Grand Mesa and the Quartz Creek Valley, will run from October 14 through November 22. It will most likely cover all special seasons as well as farmer’s season. Peasant season will not be featured in that the directors of the station feel that it is inappropriate.

Interested parties are reminded that there will be no televised coverage of the event.

“The mounting dog problem is not a subject that is suitable for the barber shop, the poker table or the common bar room. Questions of morality like this belong in the Town Council chambers.”             -Kashmir Horseshoe