Toothpaste and a Buff Could Save Your Life

After perusing this periodical for a set of decades, one might begin to wonder: Will this paper ever present anything worthwhile? Something functional, beneficial and instructive for the 21st Century?
Embracing socially redeeming values and rubbing up against the common good of the great unwashed, we proudly present the first in what promises to be an endless series of condescending hints that have never been solicited from our readers. These people, just like the editors, seek the bottom of the social experiment, preferring a familiar old chair, a wisp of mountain air and a large snifter of cognac to local beer specials at the local bash roundhouse.

Buff it out!

Now then…we will undress the subject of murky automotive headlamps and one very effective way to look good and improve vision on the highway. Our engineer, Dr. Craig Mernitz of Wisconsin Institute of Mandatory Recreation, will show you how to turn fogged up, dirty headlamps into a stream of conscious light that does the job when the sun goes down.
First Mernitz shows us how to apply the toothpaste to the headlights. (Figure One) taking care to use only enough to cover the glass with a thin sheet of dried paste. Circular motion works especially considering that the light is round. Suggested time 10 minutes. (Figure Two)
After the toothpaste has dried to a crunchy crust we scrape the area with a rough sponge or course pad. Anything that creates tension but does not scratch a glass surface will work here.

Rub it in and watch the yellow disappear!

After another 10 minutes of applied scrubbing the headlamp is ready for the buffer. Simply apply tension along fault lines and the calculated radius of the bright or dim function. In no time the glass will be shining allowing for a more attractive vehicle and better vision on the highway. Alternate mechanics, clarity of purpose, along with folklore remedies and the embrace of shade-tree survival, can lead to hours of enjoyment and the elusive joys of curious accomplishment…a rousing emotional life for most of us.