All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

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BLM Admission on Creation Theories Told

(Bland Valley August  24, 2016) The Bureau of Land Management today admitted that it had neither created the Garden of Eden nor played a hand in the creation of the world (as we know it). The disclosure comes after hours of courtroom paper-pushing and bad drama.

Despite the fact that many attached to the BLM remain convinced that the agency created the world, they will kept on in support capacities until retirement. Many appear transfixed by the notion that the BLM was somehow once located in the Holy Land or in Branson, Missouri. Others have embraced a militant sagebrush cult, which recognizes (and some say worships) large chunks of managed land.

“It’s cheaper than reeducation camps and we all know what happened in Cambodia,” said Ellie Hawker, executive director of Dusty Canons and New Lizard Species somewhere’s west of here.

Whether the acknowledgment will have any real effect on the way people sip tea in Bombay is anyone’s guess however the shake-up has generated a maze of new cattle guards and wild flower warning signs despite, as any true woodsman would agree, the symbiotic relationship shared by the two arterial improvements.

The announcement comes moments before a swarm of Biblical scholars were slated to take the stand. Many had arrived only last night from such remote and inconvenient locales as Detroit and The Fertile Crescent.

“That could have gotten very expensive,” said one courtroom clerk. “Donuts and coffee for Bible scholars who rarely tip. God will know.”

The prosecution planned a bull rush tactic aimed at smothering any dialogue on the subject of creation, while the defense had hoped to show that the BLM was just keeping the land for God until he or she decided what if anything to do with it.

How this development might affect things over at the Division of Wildlife, the Department of Motor Vehicles or the U.S. Congress was not clear although insiders expect heads to roll.

– Alfalfa Romero

“I’ve been up here so long I’ve got saddle sores on my libido.”
– Wrangler, Charley Horse, complaining about the length of cattle roundups, Gillette, Wyoming, May 3, 2016.

Amnesty Day

No more hoarding, no more whispers in the hall. Bring back scissors, pens and paperclips!

Trump victim of pick pocket at GOP Convention

(Cleveland OH  —  Cuyahoga Crier  —  August 22, 2016 )

The Republican Party confirmed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump was robbed during the last night of the recent political convention here.

Hushed up until now the alleged assault, committed by an unknown thief, has gone viral with even the perpetrator kicking in his two-cents. He twittered: Some billionaire he is . Trump had only a paltry sum on him…”

Here’s the party skinny:  “Security personnel are continuing to investigate the so-called incident without prejudice and will get to the bottom of the matter sometime either before the elections or just after breakfast.”

Insiders say local law enforcement suspects that a Democrat infiltrator, disguised as a Trump supporter, committed the crime. Although evidence is slim, police have made several arrests and promise a series of dawn raids so as to corner the perpetrator.

In the aftermath, influential voices within the GOP were heard to question the decision making capacity of a man who would actually carry cash to an event of this type.

“Can a man so careless with his own finances be trusted to run the country?” they asked. “Will we soon see armed robbery at the Federal Reserve? Could Fort Knox be victim to common thieves?”

– Fred Zeppelin

CU Buffs football 2016 schedule released

The Pac-12 Conference on Tuesday released the University of Colorado Buffaloes’ 2016 football schedule.

The CU Buffs open the season with the Rocky Mountain Showdown against Colorado State University at Sports Authority Field at Mile High in Denver on Friday, Sept. 2.

The home opener at Folsom Field is the following Saturday, Sept. 10 against Idaho State.

CU will also make an appearance at the “Big House” in Ann Arbor, Mich., on Sept. 17.

2016 COLORADO FOOTBALL SCHEDULE

Snoring Elk Relocated

(Galt’s Gulch — Bull Moose Gazette — August 20, 2016)

Several hundred elk have been removed from the southern confines of Edith Bunker National Forest near here. The animals will have a new home in Silverton.

Since last summer campers have complained that the elk’s chronic snoring has kept them up at night. Many have already broken camp and moved to more civilized spots up Jackass Flats and along Valentine’s Ridge at the Old Maid Mine.

“We sent special agents up into the contested region and they could not sleep either,” said Max Poltroon, of the DOW task force. This here’s Code Three. Some of these elk need to have their tonsils removed. It’s only a few of the bulls making all the racket.”

Poltroon said it was a shame that the entire herd had o be inconvenienced by a few bad apples. Other bothersome species might face deportation if it is determined that they are incompetent or in need of constant supervision.

“Running an outfit like the DOW is no walk the park,” he nodded.

– Simian Tilte