All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Miracle Putting School Investigated
(Manana, CO — Birdie Builder — August 31, 2016)
Bilked customers are crying foul, accusing the San Wedge Golf Academy of instructional abuse during its summer curriculum. In addition to exposure to harmful chemicals and vulgar language the students say they were regularly beaten and required to shag golf balls (often in their teeth). In addition it was compulsory to buy beers and lunch for instructors.
The putting department has come under close scrutiny claiming to produce miracles on the green. There have been no graduates of the school since it opened in 2003.
The accusations of violence concur with a recent investigation showing that corporal punishment, denial of food and water and forced labor were employed during the reign of King Bogey (2007 – 2114) in most of the official putting sessions conducted there.
“We were all too battered to hit the ball. Once they had our money they turned mean and insulting,” said one woman who hasn’t sunk a put since 1959. “They said it was progressive hypnotism but used nine irons on our shins, left us unattended in sand traps for days and made us play barefoot.”
She added that there were no holes on any of the greens and that the conditions there were akin to Saudi Arabia.
Principles at Twisted San Wedge did not return our phone calls Friday.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Just tell the truth and people will laugh.” – Jonathan Winters
New Corporate Offices of Horseshoe
Late afternoon sunny photo by Delinda Austin
Toole Tapped as Martian Ambassador
(Ganymede — The Universe Express — Aug 23, 2016)
President Obama today appointed tireless diplomat, Melvin Toole as pro them ambassador to the planet of Mars.
Resource discoveries, corporate expansionism and projections of colonization/ exploitation by earthlings prompted the move, called premature by alarmist politicians, intent on building fences on earth.
“Although Mariner 9 and Viking Orbiter have not documented clear signs of life, intelligent or otherwise, the United States should be first to recognize the possibility of alien civilizations there and refine out logistical position to communicate with same,” said an administration source. “Soon we could sell them manufactured goods if we still made anything here.”
Us Consulate on Mars
“Actually we’re talking about a consulate, not a full blown embassy,” said the White House spokesperson. “Mr. Toole, if approved by Congress, would be only a figurehead, not an official ambassador although he would earn benefits such as a lifetime pension, health insurance as well as access to limos, and sailboats just like our beloved Congress.”
The position would pay minimum wage, seen by a flock of experts as clearly insufficient for survival on the Red Planet. The real financial payoff lies in after-dinner speaking engagements and a spot as a lobbyist down the road.
“We want to get one of our people in place before the Russians beat us to the punch,” said the spokesperson, arrogantly deflecting questions about budgetary concerns, crumbling infrastructure and the breakdown of social fabric here on earth.
“If we go there they’ll come here,” said one Republican candidate for President who demanded anonymity. “We need to build intergalactic walls, end entitlements, cut spending on education and further beef up our military spending to combat this new threat.”
How these developments would affect the Second Coming was not immediately clear after this morning’s press conference.
“Actually it is only a consulate and not a bona fide embassy,” the source reiterated. “It will only cost the taxpayer a billion or so and some change. What is much more disturbing is the Christian Right’s call for a forward military base, disguised as a welcome center, on Pluto.”
Lower jet fuel prices, although they have not lowered the price of air travel on earth, were cited as a positive element in the decision to go to Mars in the first place. A secondary consideration has always been a desire on the part of the Obama Administration to give our astronauts, chimp or human, the opportunity for some hands-on experience in outer space.
“We hope that the future generations of this great nation can then have more creative vacation options, surpassing even Disneyland, Cancun or Branson,” he smiled. “Imagine playing 18 at Aurorie Sinus or a day of shopping at the Planum Boreum Mall. We fully intend to export good ol’ American culture just as soon as we find some.”
A consulate requires a smaller staff than an embassy and often sees the resident ambassador mowing the law band taking out the trash where in a full diplomatic mission where those chores are generally performed by a native staff.
“I don’t give a tinker’s damn about the formal designation,” quipped a reclusive Toole from his floating library somewhere deep in the Rockies. “They say there may still be water there and I’m all about that! Besides that I love to surf, kayak and water board, and I hate crowds. Besides, I lived in Grand Junction for six months when I was a kid so the acclimatization should be a piece of cake.”
– Julienne Pettifogger
High Altitude Bouquet
Uncompahgre colors way up here! Ground artifacts make a fine forest centerpiece up above Elk Meadows near Ridgway. Photo by Delinda Austin
Opioid Epidemic Downplayed by Coalition General
(Kabul Green Zone — Chasing the Dragon — August 27, 2016)
General Worthington Bulbous, a man who has issued orders from the safety of the rear in more than seventeen battle theaters says the rise in heroin use in the United States has nothing to do with Afghanistan.
It can be argued that the lengthy military involvement in the world’s leading producer of poppies has allowed more of the drug to enter Western markets. Once in these countries it is processed en masse creating easy acquisition and consumption among younger persons.
“That’s balderdash!” says Bulbous. “Our security forces examine everything going in and out of the war zone. Just because there are occasional sums of money unaccounted for and weapons that we can’t quite tally doesn’t mean we’re running a colander operation as our critics maintain.”
Bulbous refuses to consider the easy access to the drug in Afghanistan and the easily manipulated established air and sea routes preferred by CIA personnel, top military brass and the diplomatic corps. None of these groups is subject to search coming or going.
“Our people are not drug smugglers,” he glared. “It’s probably the Taliban and their supporters in the United States. “There is absolutely no one engaged in the smuggling of opium or heroin into the United States from Afghanistan on my watch. You have my word on it.”
Bulbous refused to comment when asked about the CIA operation that brought heroin by the truckloads into Vietnam during the 70s as part of a deal with several powerful mountain tribes up around the Golden Triangle. According to sparse reports Air America flew heavy cargos of quality heroin into Vietnam and Laos in return for military compromises and manpower support on the part of growers.
This and most other clandestine operations have been repeatedly denied by a host of puppet governments in Asia and in Washington.
– Pepper Salte
Power Shut Off at House
(Warshington — Foggy Bottom Gazette — August 26, 2016))
The Aaron Burr Nuclear Power Plant has apparently discontinued electrical service to the United States Senate due to what it calls failure to address overdue notices. The action was taken this morning prior to the day’s business.
The news was received by an empty chamber in that none of the elected officials had opted to show up for work again. Most were either at lunch with lobbyists or back in their districts campaigning and strengthening constituencies.
“We sent them three warnings but I guess no one is ever there to pick up the mail much less write a check,” said Myrna Huphhousen, a former aide-de-camp of Herbert Hoover, who has been employed by the power company since 1930. “I’ve had years of experience dealing with these teflon deadbeats. Let them all filibuster in the dark!”
Congresspersons contacted were not aware of the shut-off since none had been at their desks since February. One said he expected to be back soon, while another calmed fears of an empty podium saying assorted lobbyists were keeping an eye on things.
“We don’t have time to keep up with petty notices and letters from our constituents, argued Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) who had stumbled into the House billiard room in search of another bottle of Cuban rum. “But I can assure you that the check is in the mail.”
Another honorable member of the governing unit, Kleen “Dirty” Cavanaugh, a 98-year-old incumbent representing the Missoula Flood Plain blames the shut-off on Confederate sympathizers from down along Jefferson Davis Highway.
“We had trouble with those same kinda people out here only they wore feathers,” he smiled while aides, reporters and lobbyists fussed over him, waiting for him to drop dead and vacate the seat.
“Just wait for those jaybirds to come requesting a rate hike,” he quacked. “I could buy them and turn them into a nuclear feed lot.”
The status is not expected to affect lifetime pensions, lifetime health insurance or regular limo use, privileges covered by the taxpayer. One pro-weapons group has petitioned to present movies in the now darkened rooms while the Israeli Embassy has offered the use of a secondary auditorium at its complex, but only Republicans were invited.
Otherwise all pressing business, especially matters of national security, will be conducted at Big Mable’s Gravy Train on Pennsylvania Avenue until the lights come back on. Municipal scraping crews have taken the lull as an opportunity to remove chewing gum stuck to the bottom of Congressional seats as far back as the Gadsden Purchase.
– Melvin Toole
“Go ahead, blow yourself up with the propane stove. What can we do? Why should we get involved? We can get lots more tourists where you came from. They bring them here right to the plaza every day on the bus.”
– Cardinal Mendoza, pious brandy maker, when asked for directions on how to operate an ancient cook stove, Grazalema, Spain, April 8, 2016