All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

Trump victim of pick pocket at GOP Convention

(Cleveland OH  —  Cuyahoga Crier  —  August 22, 2016 )

The Republican Party confirmed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump was robbed during the last night of the recent political convention here.

Hushed up until now the alleged assault, committed by an unknown thief, has gone viral with even the perpetrator kicking in his two-cents. He twittered: Some billionaire he is . Trump had only a paltry sum on him…”

Here’s the party skinny:  “Security personnel are continuing to investigate the so-called incident without prejudice and will get to the bottom of the matter sometime either before the elections or just after breakfast.”

Insiders say local law enforcement suspects that a Democrat infiltrator, disguised as a Trump supporter, committed the crime. Although evidence is slim, police have made several arrests and promise a series of dawn raids so as to corner the perpetrator.

In the aftermath, influential voices within the GOP were heard to question the decision making capacity of a man who would actually carry cash to an event of this type.

“Can a man so careless with his own finances be trusted to run the country?” they asked. “Will we soon see armed robbery at the Federal Reserve? Could Fort Knox be victim to common thieves?”

– Fred Zeppelin

CU Buffs football 2016 schedule released

The Pac-12 Conference on Tuesday released the University of Colorado Buffaloes’ 2016 football schedule.

The CU Buffs open the season with the Rocky Mountain Showdown against Colorado State University at Sports Authority Field at Mile High in Denver on Friday, Sept. 2.

The home opener at Folsom Field is the following Saturday, Sept. 10 against Idaho State.

CU will also make an appearance at the “Big House” in Ann Arbor, Mich., on Sept. 17.

2016 COLORADO FOOTBALL SCHEDULE

Snoring Elk Relocated

(Galt’s Gulch — Bull Moose Gazette — August 20, 2016)

Several hundred elk have been removed from the southern confines of Edith Bunker National Forest near here. The animals will have a new home in Silverton.

Since last summer campers have complained that the elk’s chronic snoring has kept them up at night. Many have already broken camp and moved to more civilized spots up Jackass Flats and along Valentine’s Ridge at the Old Maid Mine.

“We sent special agents up into the contested region and they could not sleep either,” said Max Poltroon, of the DOW task force. This here’s Code Three. Some of these elk need to have their tonsils removed. It’s only a few of the bulls making all the racket.”

Poltroon said it was a shame that the entire herd had o be inconvenienced by a few bad apples. Other bothersome species might face deportation if it is determined that they are incompetent or in need of constant supervision.

“Running an outfit like the DOW is no walk the park,” he nodded.

– Simian Tilte

Welcome Declan Martin Haley

Bella, the family Boston Terrier, enjoys a cigar at the birth celebration of the editor;s grandson on August 15.

Local Woman Loses Battle With Cat Over Lizard Torture

(El Jebel — August 18, 2016)

A local woman, who wishes to remain inanimate, has tragically lost her courageous battle with local cat, Fluffy, over Fluffy’s alleged use of recreational lizard torture at the women’s residence, each summer since 2009.

The local woman, identified only as a living female who resides somewhere people would gossip about, has announced that she will immediately give up her seven-year battle with Fluffy over what she has called the Cat’s “annual insanely macabre practice of outright lizard torture in order to help pass the hours during those lazy, hazy days of summer.”

Answering reporter’s questions, the local woman, who was fully clothed prior to the announcement, said this:

“I give up.  This is ridiculous. That cat is playing me as a fool. Last year it just kept chewing off little parts of the lizard’s tail. One night, the Cat begged me to let its little lizard friend Larry sleep-over. Larry’s tail was already noticeably shorter than it should have been, but I relented. The next morning I found that Larry had less than half of his tail left. Still, the Cat pleaded. ‘Oh, please? Can’t my little friend Larry sleep over tonight? Look! He loves me!

“Sure, I knew that part of the Cat’s story just didn’t ring true. I could plainly see that the Cat’s little pal Larry was getting smaller each night. Larry’s eyes weren’t so bright as the fence lizard picture in the little golden book of animals nobody cares about. Still, I looked at Fluffy, knowing Larry seemed to be the Cat’s only friend, and I let Larry sleep over.”

“Next morning, Larry had no tail left at all and was lying upside down next to the Cat on the sofa. The Cat broke the uncomfortable silence with, ‘Me and Larry were wondering what’s for breakfast?’

“I picked up Larry’s short, dazed body and I removed him to an undisclosed safe house where he had everything he needed to recover and start a new life.
Next morning I found Larry on the floor in the kitchen, no tail and his head and legs were missing. The Cat sat on the kitchen table and cleaned its feet on my placemat. Then it said, ‘wasn’t The Godfather a great movie?’

“That was last year. It’s started again this year with a new lizard. I’m no match for that Cat. I know that now. I just wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago.”

Such a tragic story, yet not uncommon in our own neighborhoods. The San Juan Horseshoe wishes to thank this local woman for the courage to speak with us about her own personal hell, created by the unassuming Fluffy the Cat.

– Lina Baquer

August 7, 2016

Tolstoy, Others Found in Village

(Moscow — Red Square Circular — Aug 29, 2016)

Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Anton Chekhov and Maxim Gorki, all long thought dead, have been positively identified, living life in the remote village of Yerkilansk in a remote region called Krasnoyarsk in central Russia

Remnants of the Russian news agency TASS report that the four have been in Yerkilansk since their banishment by a series of Czars and Bolsheviks during the early 20th Century. They are said to be collaborating several novels, essays and screenplays within the framework of the Ernest Sagas, which were originally written as a satire on Czarist, and later Soviet, life in Russia.

The four remained defiant through the 70s and 80s when they refused to write Communist propaganda in return for more food and firewood. Despite their lengthy ordeal they all appeared to be in good health and humor. In the mid-90s the post-Soviet administration called on them to welcome Glasnost and anointed them “guests of he state” rather than “political interns”. They were then free to come and go as they pleased, although in Yerkilansk there are not many places to come and go to.

“On one walk we encountered three hungry Russian brown bear and decided to curb our geographic enthusiasm and stay closer to the village,” said Gorki. “Everywhere there is snow! It is possible to get lost or at least disoriented within a mile from this paltry civilization.”

The creative breakthrough in collective labor came when Chekov envisioned “all that is the Ernestine” and became a full time follower of that stringent doctrine. A flourish of work followed quickly as the other greats jumped on board and began pumping out short sagas of Ernest. Favorites like “Ernest Goes to Indoctrination Camp”, “Ernest Goes to a For Profit Prison” and Ernest Saves Christmas from the Pagans” come to mind here.

Although most Americans may not remember Ernest, a far greater number do not recognize the names of Russian novelists. This desire for further notoriety appears to be the driving force in the tumultuous tasks facing the novelists. Speaking through a translator, the celebrated author of Anna Karenina said, “Anton and Fyodor were invaluable in fermenting novels and plays during what literary critics refer to as the Early Ernest Period (1994-2000). Maxim performed at high altitude warp speed even though we aren’t familiar with that mode quite yet.”

What followed shook the literary world. Four great Russian pens working together on Ernest Invades Afghanistan, finishing it up in time for the semi-annual vodka harvest. This true masterpiece will outlive governments, break ageless traditions and survive the elements. Four enlightened artists, in insulated leisure suits and Sorrels on a long arctic holiday, have collectively captured the essence of Ernest. Tolstoy credits his associates in a long-winded introduction in which he compares the collaborative process to “checkmate in the dark.”

Meanwhile the real life Ernest, accompanied by a close friend named Vern is expected to arrive in Yerkilansk on Friday to examine the life-prolonging waters of the Kubinichev River. The two hope to escort the four novelists to Disneyland and into a recording studio in May.

“I just hope the Dodgers are in town,” said Gorki. “The last time I was in L.A. was in 1903 and the team was still in Brooklyn.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe