All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Trump Seeks Asylum in Russian Consulate
(Atlantic City — August 16, 2016) Republican Presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump has reportedly taken refuge in the Russian Consulate here. Close aides, disappearing by the day, say he plans to seek amnesty in an attempt to avoid releasing tax data.
Whether the move has anything to do with the closure of the Taj Mahal Casino, the billionaire would not say. Despite promising to bring jobs back to the United States Trump is actively shipping his casino (in pieces, sans employees) to Malaysia.
Election analysts think Trump has gone into hiding to avoid the fallout from his comments since winning the GOP nomination. Sources within the Secret Service are allegedly hard pressed to protect the demagogue since there are so many groups who might like to “interview” him.
“He has made more enemies in six weeks than Hitler and Stalin combined,” said one agent who demanded animosity. “Hillary is disliked but this Trump person has descended into a whole new category of unpopular. His mouth makes our job almost impossible to perform within the guidelines of security and diplomacy.”
The Russian diplomatic mission in New Jersey had no comment on the proceedings, denying knowledge of any amnesty requests. Whether Trump will seek the protection of Russian President Vladimir Putin, whom he has praised repeatedly during the campaign, was not discussed.
The drastic change of status could backfire on Trump since even the dumbest voters are vacillating over the development. Election officials are stunned and not sure what action to take in light of the repositioning. Many here feel Trump will go into self-imposed exile at his golf course in Scotland.
“The Scots aren’t keen on having him there either. Let’s just sit tight,” said one Democrat. “It’s only a matter of time before he offends the consulate staff and they throw him and his hair out on his ear.
– Marlene Marvy
Nyuck…Nyuck…Happy Birthday Surprise!
Happy Birthday to two people I truly love. One I know well. The other I’ll be meeting this week.
Drone Soup
World Classifine Ads — August 14, 2016
Learn the ancient art of pick pocketing before the holidays. Earn extra Christmas money while out at the mall or on the street after dark. Work three hours a day and put money away each night. Bonded. Alternative Lifestyles Cell block #889, Canon City, CO
Land of the Midnight Sun Counseling is now accepting clients for the winter months. Alaskan sociologists will visit your home or office for slightly extra fee. Get sensitive while you’re at work or asleep. Deal with shortages and Eskimo antics. Large bears not included. Call the Dark Room at the Juneau What. Approved by law enforcement and your mom.
Anger management while you wait. Bring boxing gloves and small beating instrument. Get mad – get beat. Put simple physics to work for you. No marks. Guaranteed results. Comrades in Sweat. Dr Simon Lackluster, Heartbreak Hotel Terrace, Goodenough Gulch.
Will scrape windshields for free until October. Mack the Hack, Gunnison. Specializing in underwater wheelbarrow photography, groundless opinions and quantum foot massage. Saturday mornings only in Sapinero. 140,000 miles without major enzyme malfunction.
Improve tunnel vision without surgery. Dial 17 and hold it.
Company specializing in information services for visiting dignitaries and peace negotiators seeks information on nightlife and entertainment amenities for new brochure on Dayton, Ohio. We have had successful track records in Mogadishu, Paris, Helsinki, Geneva and Camp David. Our guides and packages have drawn praise in Havana, Cairo, Berlin and Toronto. Need help here. Anyone who can provide sufficient information on Dayton will be lavishly rewarded. Diplomat Exchange and Antiques, Political Prisoner Circle, Brooklyn, NY.
Succulent Yucca plant would like to meet others of same persuasion for a fertile, perennial relationship. Well-rooted. No plastic geraniums, gourds, fungi or thallophytic loafers. Blind Box 3, Pinkyville.
Lost: Mustache wax grinder neat Old St. Lazare Station last Thursday morning. If found please contact Claude Monet. Small reward.
Red has three two-tone caribou calves, two females and one male. Great when the snow comes. Even better on lawns and vacant lot maintenance. Lovely temperaments. Mouse broken and registered. See Red at Quezon City Trading Post in Rudy’s Canyon. Could make great polo ponies if they were horses. No snails before noon.
For auction to the highest bidder: Verified 1941 instructor’s manual for the HMS Hood. Also have pilot’s log for the Enola Gay. Serious offers only. Casey Jones, Colona Railroad Yard.
Our donuts aren’t going to the Rio Olympics! They’re staying here at La Zona de Colona Coffee House. Are these really the best tasting donuts in North America? Need you ask? Now open in Colona. Try our Drive-Thru.
Need full-figured man or woman to deliver left-wing newspapers to thin, chronically ill recluses. Jolly Enterprises. Call our 800 number!
Romance columnist needed for Gunnison Times. Must be well versed in logical application of hormones and tangled webs just below the surface. No Irish.
Expert and creative lawn mowing by Earl. Buzzes, spikes, flat tops and cranial work our specialty. Like your hair a little longer? Here’s introducing Peggy Sue on her riding mower. Half-price Tuesdays no longer applicable in Egnar or Cahone. Remember: When the snow falls prices go up!
Will dry dock your backyard barbecue apparatus through the winter. Safe, secure storage. No termites. Extended hours for fall. Charles Gaffe, Charcoal, WY.
Brothels Still Fuming Over Lotto Disbursements
(Gothic, CO — August 13, 2016) Local brothels in these mountains are accusing the Colorado Gaming Commission of misuse of public funds. Insisting that funds collected from gambling in the state have not been dispensed in accordance with the law.
“Despite the initial agreement insuring that a percentage of the take would go toward recreation, we have not seen a lousy dime,” said Flaura Pure-Tater, a well-preserved madame from the 20th Century. Our industry was founded and has thrived on the concept since the beginning of time.”
A class-action suit has been filed in Denver and known employees of the State of Colorado have been barred from erotic premises until further notice. A moratorium on activity may be extended to include vendors and others who do business within the confines of the Colorado Lottery. One private operator, Ruby Siesta, has moved her operation over to Schofield so as to “undress the undercurrent of wailing and palpitations while the amorous wait it out.”
The ill repute forked out much needed support when the idea of a state lottery first appeared, thinking it would be included on payday. Now they want a chunk of the change.
Prostitution was legalized in Colorado in 1876 and to our knowledge that eminent legal standing has never been altered. The state has some 35,000 houses of merriment operating from Burlington to Cortez. Most, however, are reserved for out-of-state religious zealots who buy fishing and hunting licenses.
“If we get an honest judge we can beat these penny-ante big gamers before they pull back their winnings,” snapped a militant Siesta. “It’s either that or we pull up stakes and move to Utah.”
– Uncle Pahgre
“Who cares what the rest of the world thinks of us!”
– overheard at the GOP Convention, Summer 2016.
Hell closed for cleaning
Hell will be shut down for a serious scouring this week according to stiff-collared sources in pew number three. While an industrial polishing has been in the works for some time, bosses down there have balked at the cost and logistics common to such past eternal undertakings.
While the sanitation proceeds, the damned will be evacuated and hauled around in small pickups like the ones used by militants in Afghanistan and Iraq. Their few personal belongings will be sold to pay for gasoline.
Once the place is fully sterilized they will be returned to their fiery home for more torture and deprivation. Along with the janitorial effort, fallen angels will engage in new construction, building units/projects for an expected surge in population due to a curious, and increasing lack of heart on earth.
“They are only souls so they don’t take up a lot of room, “ explained one dark angel who appeared to be in charge of the demonic motor pool. “It looks like an overwhelming task but actually we can fit 3000 in the back of a small pickup,” said the fiend, who requested anonymity.
– Melvin Dante
