All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
High Altitude Bouquet
Uncompahgre colors way up here! Ground artifacts make a fine forest centerpiece up above Elk Meadows near Ridgway. Photo by Delinda Austin
Opioid Epidemic Downplayed by Coalition General
(Kabul Green Zone — Chasing the Dragon — August 27, 2016)
General Worthington Bulbous, a man who has issued orders from the safety of the rear in more than seventeen battle theaters says the rise in heroin use in the United States has nothing to do with Afghanistan.
It can be argued that the lengthy military involvement in the world’s leading producer of poppies has allowed more of the drug to enter Western markets. Once in these countries it is processed en masse creating easy acquisition and consumption among younger persons.
“That’s balderdash!” says Bulbous. “Our security forces examine everything going in and out of the war zone. Just because there are occasional sums of money unaccounted for and weapons that we can’t quite tally doesn’t mean we’re running a colander operation as our critics maintain.”
Bulbous refuses to consider the easy access to the drug in Afghanistan and the easily manipulated established air and sea routes preferred by CIA personnel, top military brass and the diplomatic corps. None of these groups is subject to search coming or going.
“Our people are not drug smugglers,” he glared. “It’s probably the Taliban and their supporters in the United States. “There is absolutely no one engaged in the smuggling of opium or heroin into the United States from Afghanistan on my watch. You have my word on it.”
Bulbous refused to comment when asked about the CIA operation that brought heroin by the truckloads into Vietnam during the 70s as part of a deal with several powerful mountain tribes up around the Golden Triangle. According to sparse reports Air America flew heavy cargos of quality heroin into Vietnam and Laos in return for military compromises and manpower support on the part of growers.
This and most other clandestine operations have been repeatedly denied by a host of puppet governments in Asia and in Washington.
– Pepper Salte
Power Shut Off at House
(Warshington — Foggy Bottom Gazette — August 26, 2016))
The Aaron Burr Nuclear Power Plant has apparently discontinued electrical service to the United States Senate due to what it calls failure to address overdue notices. The action was taken this morning prior to the day’s business.
The news was received by an empty chamber in that none of the elected officials had opted to show up for work again. Most were either at lunch with lobbyists or back in their districts campaigning and strengthening constituencies.
“We sent them three warnings but I guess no one is ever there to pick up the mail much less write a check,” said Myrna Huphhousen, a former aide-de-camp of Herbert Hoover, who has been employed by the power company since 1930. “I’ve had years of experience dealing with these teflon deadbeats. Let them all filibuster in the dark!”
Congresspersons contacted were not aware of the shut-off since none had been at their desks since February. One said he expected to be back soon, while another calmed fears of an empty podium saying assorted lobbyists were keeping an eye on things.
“We don’t have time to keep up with petty notices and letters from our constituents, argued Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) who had stumbled into the House billiard room in search of another bottle of Cuban rum. “But I can assure you that the check is in the mail.”
Another honorable member of the governing unit, Kleen “Dirty” Cavanaugh, a 98-year-old incumbent representing the Missoula Flood Plain blames the shut-off on Confederate sympathizers from down along Jefferson Davis Highway.
“We had trouble with those same kinda people out here only they wore feathers,” he smiled while aides, reporters and lobbyists fussed over him, waiting for him to drop dead and vacate the seat.
“Just wait for those jaybirds to come requesting a rate hike,” he quacked. “I could buy them and turn them into a nuclear feed lot.”
The status is not expected to affect lifetime pensions, lifetime health insurance or regular limo use, privileges covered by the taxpayer. One pro-weapons group has petitioned to present movies in the now darkened rooms while the Israeli Embassy has offered the use of a secondary auditorium at its complex, but only Republicans were invited.
Otherwise all pressing business, especially matters of national security, will be conducted at Big Mable’s Gravy Train on Pennsylvania Avenue until the lights come back on. Municipal scraping crews have taken the lull as an opportunity to remove chewing gum stuck to the bottom of Congressional seats as far back as the Gadsden Purchase.
– Melvin Toole
“Go ahead, blow yourself up with the propane stove. What can we do? Why should we get involved? We can get lots more tourists where you came from. They bring them here right to the plaza every day on the bus.”
– Cardinal Mendoza, pious brandy maker, when asked for directions on how to operate an ancient cook stove, Grazalema, Spain, April 8, 2016
BLM Admission on Creation Theories Told
(Bland Valley August 24, 2016) The Bureau of Land Management today admitted that it had neither created the Garden of Eden nor played a hand in the creation of the world (as we know it). The disclosure comes after hours of courtroom paper-pushing and bad drama.
Despite the fact that many attached to the BLM remain convinced that the agency created the world, they will kept on in support capacities until retirement. Many appear transfixed by the notion that the BLM was somehow once located in the Holy Land or in Branson, Missouri. Others have embraced a militant sagebrush cult, which recognizes (and some say worships) large chunks of managed land.
“It’s cheaper than reeducation camps and we all know what happened in Cambodia,” said Ellie Hawker, executive director of Dusty Canons and New Lizard Species somewhere’s west of here.
Whether the acknowledgment will have any real effect on the way people sip tea in Bombay is anyone’s guess however the shake-up has generated a maze of new cattle guards and wild flower warning signs despite, as any true woodsman would agree, the symbiotic relationship shared by the two arterial improvements.
The announcement comes moments before a swarm of Biblical scholars were slated to take the stand. Many had arrived only last night from such remote and inconvenient locales as Detroit and The Fertile Crescent.
“That could have gotten very expensive,” said one courtroom clerk. “Donuts and coffee for Bible scholars who rarely tip. God will know.”
The prosecution planned a bull rush tactic aimed at smothering any dialogue on the subject of creation, while the defense had hoped to show that the BLM was just keeping the land for God until he or she decided what if anything to do with it.
How this development might affect things over at the Division of Wildlife, the Department of Motor Vehicles or the U.S. Congress was not clear although insiders expect heads to roll.
– Alfalfa Romero
“I’ve been up here so long I’ve got saddle sores on my libido.”
– Wrangler, Charley Horse, complaining about the length of cattle roundups, Gillette, Wyoming, May 3, 2016.
Amnesty Day
No more hoarding, no more whispers in the hall. Bring back scissors, pens and paperclips!