All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Black Run at Cedaredge?
Hold the skis. This is a challenging hole on the Back Nine at Cedaredge Golf Course. Great weather, seasonal specials and uncrowded fairways beckon the autumn linkster.
Afghani Engineers to Tour Ridgway
(Ridgway) A group of visiting Afghani civil engineers will be in Ridgway this week to observe recent road construction in the former railroad town. The contingent of visitors will monitor traffic patterns and interview residents affected by the lengthy construction project aimed at relieving congestion at high volume periods.
Its people from out nation’s longest war visiting our nation’s longest construction project. Although the note and picture taking might seem obsessive to some, town planners say it demonstrates the desire on the part of the privileged to document successes and apply them to chaotic Afghanistan.
“We especially want to examine lighting fixtures and new drainage systems along with cosmetic improvements along the way,: said Mohammed Zulu-Quake, chair of the Engineering School at Kabul University.
Paving streets in Afghanistan in no way constitutes nation building, say critics of the new/old foreign policy currently unfolding in South Asia., who contend that peace must emerge from a deeper psyche. Naysayers insist that the people prefer to wallow in superstition and tribalism which apparently works for them.
“Although asphalt and center lines can provide a shallow security, it does nothing to relieve and address the frustrations of a generation of Afghanis,” said the academic. “We are focused on improving infrastructure, not social structure. That will come when our house is in order, when the horse is again before the cart. Squalid attempts to mask our failures in flowery talk of liberty and democracy don’t provide so much as a slice of bread.”
“The nagging question remains: Is nation building something one can achieve on a stepladder or does the adjustment require an hoist, scaffolding and maybe even an explosive or two?” he asked.
– Abdul “Mickey” Sands
Champion Fly Swatter in Town
(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin Toolefly is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.
Toolefly’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.
Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during a recent interview with The Gunnison Times.
“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” praised the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands. No electric zappers, no fly paper, no SWAT team…He just did it with perseverance and guts. Lots of guts.”
A bit jumpy, Toolefly sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.
– Rocky Flats
Peace Treaty with Bad Angels in Jeopardy
(Hell) An antediluvian agreement, allegedly signed in the primeval dust of angelic battle, has been destroyed by fire according to demonic sources here.
“It is a tragedy of epic proportions,” said a prepared statement from downstairs.
The loss of the original pact between Good and Evil leaves that classic truce hanging by its ears. It’s destruction casts doubt on the validity of contracts, grants and leases written and signed before or since it was reduced to Hadean ashes. It also puts the Two Eternal Powers toe to toe and could dictate a return to hostilities.
Heaven, hesitant to mobilize for fear of offending its most favored trading partner, has declared a nationalemergency so as to give attorneys time to respond or find a copy of the initial peace treaty.
Both sides have shared little, preferring to jockey for godly position, one eye on the saints and the other on the sinners. Meanwhile the entire salvation mechanism has broken down as bureaucrats ignore daily chores so as to more effectively measure adversaries on the power pole.
One celestial expert is quick to dismiss the crisis. “…rusty-saber wing flapping by a bunch of old-fart arch-angels that would be better off playing golf.”
“Good and Evil have been co-existing for so long that it is often hard to tell one from the other…like right and wrong,” she flinched. “They are comfortable together.”
Sociable scientists in Purgatory say the entire episode is politically motivated and that morale is particularly low in hell this time of the year.
“The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, warns a Purgatorial proverb,” she quipped.
“By now the place must be overcrowded with sinners of all shapes and sizes. Seriously, I’ve heard the food ain’t half bad the service is inhumane.”
– Daddy Longlegs
Low Riders Banned from Engineer
(Ouray) Persons operating low-rider vehicles, hydraulic shocks, space-age woodies, RVs and ruptured Humvies have been banned from Engineer Pass due to clearance considerations. The pass, notorious for deep ravines and mounds of shale, is a challenge for four-wheel-drives.
According to the Forest Service and Department of Transportation street vehicles have no business traversing tight switchbacks and manipulating steep grades found on Engineer. Both say simple math can be employed to determine rate of success in negotiating the pass.
In addition to the hazards of height, many of these banned vehicles simply do not have the torque to make it to the top.
Hinsdale County officials have yet to decide what, if any action should be taken on their side of the pass. Many feel that if backcountry drivers make it to the top they should not be restricted on the descent. They remind all drivers to check their brakes before starting downhill.
– Atila Higgins
