All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Black Canyon Dug By Druid
(Crawford) The Black Canyon of the Gunnison was originally dredged by a Druid by the name of Finn MacCool while on a fishing excursion to the New World in 1050. Previous studies suggest that the Gunnison River dug out the canyon. These are false.
According to scholars, MacCool, whose descendants went on to build the railroad through Colorado, excavated what is now the monster canyon quite by accident. Apparently Finn had been banished by his true love (a sweet young thing who operated a bead shop in Paonia and later married a local realtor) and was observed absent-mindedly dragging his massive ash batha (shillelagh) along the very lines of what is now the canyon.
Described as a cross between Paul Bunyan and Batman, MacCool soon vanished from the region although his off-spring are said to be employed as artisans in Ridgway to this very day.
It’s all in the grip (or at least some of it)
One of the key elements to a successful round of golf is the grip. Above we observe the methodology of two local ladies at Dos Rios in Gunnison. Why does cold beer go so well with golf? That has yet to be established as of this afternoon. Local pros say experiments are expected to continue throughout the autumn.
Celebrity Gets San Juan Red Carpet Treatment
(Silverton) A visiting celebrity was welcomed to Silverton this week with a short parade, a windy speech by dignitaries and a barbecue in the park. The unidentified guest ate and drank liberally then, after a gratis stopover at a local liquor dispensary, headed off for Durango on the train in the company of two local ladies.
“We don’t know exactly who he was,” said one Greene Street shopkeeper but he was famous all right.”
Cynics over on Blair Street say the whole thing was a fraud and that the man was not a celebrity at all but only “swindler” drifting through the San Juans.
“That is hogwash,” said a cook at the popular Pickle Barrel Restaurant. “We know a celebrity when we see one.”
Sources at the Triangle Service, where the celebrity attempted and failed to fill his tank for free, told The Horseshoe that the town had been bamboozled.
“It’s a good thing he didn’t stay longer or they might have elected him mayor,” said one mechanic.
– Olivia de Quirke
Highway Crews Lay Asphalt Backwards
(Montrose) Crews building a new stretch of highway south of here have apparently poured some 400 tons of asphalt on the road upside down, according to a supervisor at the Colorado Department of Transportation in Denver. The asphalt, which covers about two miles of new highway, will have to be pulled back up and reapplied right-side up.
Scuttlebutt on the job site suggests that the asphalt may have arrived from Denver in this topsy-turvy condition and without ample directions for use. One worker even went so far as to say that the asphalt had been previously employed on the “interstate to nowhere” between the metro area and Fort Morgan along I-76 in Northeast Colorado.
“Hey, we all know that the boss has a squeeze over in Olathe,” said a burly heavy equipment operator. “I think he purposely sabotaged the job to ensure himself another week or two of courting.”
Meanwhile, crews are faced with the tedious chore of pulling up the asphalt over the weekend. it is estimated that traffic will be held up
Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again
(Ouray) A local company offering authentic cattle truck tours of the Uncompahgre Valley has been called onto the carpet again this year due to what civic leaders are calling bad taste.
A throng of detractors from both the public and private sector say Melvin’s Cattle Tours Ltd. has breached the thin line between what is entertaining and what is deplorable.
“This is the proto-type of bad tourism,” said a chamber source. “It’s not in keeping with the image that we are trying so very hard to project for the summer season.”
The unconfirmed comments went on to suggest that the operation, owned by Melvin Toole of Elk Meadows, creates an extremely bad precedence, ridicules the cattle industry and demeans innocent tourists out for some good clean fun. A mounting contingent of critics say hauling tourists around the mountains inside a cattle truck is unsavory enough on its own, and when coupled with the poor driving and bad judgment, common to Toole’s derelict staff of reckless drivers, it becomes downright dangerous.
Stopping short of banning what Toole calls “See The Mountains Like the Cows See Them”, the concerned citizens say they hope the proprietor will quit his bovine adventures voluntarily, adopting a more civilized method of making a living.
“Maybe he could arrange jeep tours, offer sky diving or open an art gallery,” said one county commissar.
Following a plethora of 2004 complaints relating to the condition of the cattle trucks and the bullying of passengers by drivers, the city has considered pulling Toole’s license. Last year hordes of angry visitors, feeling gouged by the $150 hourly fee, formed a constant parade through both the chamber and the mayor’s office.
When contacted at what he calls his Natty Dread Love Shack, nothing more than a corrugated bindle shift sans pinchbeck office, Toole said he didn’t care if the authorities pulled his license since he never really wanted the thing in the first place.
“I can just get me another one of those licenses up in Silverton for about ten bucks,” he blasted. “Now there’s a town that’s commerce friendly. This is America!” he raved on, “or at least it used to be. I will not be intimidated by this bureaucratic schlock, no sireeee. When the tourists hit I’ll be a-waitin’. Hell, I might even arrange to pick some of them up when they arrive at the airport.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Repeal and Replace GOP with:
A loaf of stale white bread
A sack of white potatoes
A transparent immigration wall
Donald Trump’s caddie
Mrs. McCallister’s 2nd grade civics class
Trump’s lawyers and Twitters
Monopoly Board Game rules
5 million poor, uninsured Americans
An aisle filled with broken glass
A little heart and another can of worms
