All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Patrons unaccounted for in Montrose Post Office line.
(Montrose) Have they fallen into the Great Abyss while waiting to buy a stamp or send a parcel? Are they victims of a conspiracy or simple poor planning? Did they take a number?
Today local postal sources expressed concern as to a roster of refugees lost, or at least last seen, in line here to buy stamps. The absences have no known precedence and public concern is quickly turning to fright. Long waits in long lines have been the prototype for two decades but until now everyone returned from the ordeal.
“We lost my brother Earl back in 2015 right before Valentine’s Day,” said a Simms Mesa woman. “He went in to send some candy and got caught in the shuffle. One minute he was addressing a greeting card and the next he was not there. If anyone has seen him please tell him we love him. We hope he’s eating well.”
Projected wait times to buy a simple stamp are hovering at about 17 minutes yet people continue to line up. What choice do they have? It’s not like there is a post office on every corner.
“My wife went in on Thursday to buy a stamp or two. When I checked on Friday she was still in line,” said a local rancher. “When I went back on Saturday morning she was nowhere to be found.”
Overworked postal clerks and long lines have plagued the facility since the population exploded in 1995 and the federal agency failed to keep up with the demand for services. Satellite offices were not capable of handling the overflow and many customers have taken to driving to other locales to send their mail.
“I drive ten miles to Olathe were the transactions are quick and friendly,” explained one Montrose man. “At high traffic times like summer and the holidays many of us show up with coolers, books, decks of cards and folding chairs.”
One minute they were there and the next they were gone.
“I Can’t even send my granny to the post office anymore. I’m afraid she’ll never return. Last winter she was packed up and mailed to Omaha.”
Anyone searching for friends or loved ones displaced, mislaid or gone astray while standing in line at the Montrose Post Office is instructed to go to the official website of the postal service and click on Missing Persons. Maybe they are there.
– Fred Zeppelin
TRAIN CHASER FRUSTRATES AUTHORITIES
(Ridgway) Even as a young girl Lucy Mills had a thing for trains. Growing up near Dallas Divide she witnessed the passing from narrow gauge to split rail to the more modern welded steel rail tracks. She saw freight trains, boxcars, hoppers and flatcars. What ever made her want to chase them is anyone’s guess.
All it took was a whistle or maybe just the rumble of a caboose and she was off. One morning, in a rush to catch a slow gondola car she ran out of the cabin with nothing on but her boots and longhandles. That got some attention.
“We aren’t sure what she’d do if she ever caught one of the trains,” quipped one engineer. “In the beginning I figured she was just a little short of sense but when I saw those eyes gleaming in the light of the engineer’s lamp I knew we were dealing with someone quite special.”
The generally reliable source says he actually observed Mills biting at the cross-ties and the rails themselves.
“She’s like a mad dog when the train comes through town,” he frowned. “Not only is she a danger to herself but she scares our passengers.”
That may not be completely true since many tinhorns and other visitors to our country have taken to wagering bets on Mills and her curious endeavors. Last week, near Portland, a Chinese prince lost an estimated $350 when Mills failed to catch a slow freight. Sadly Mills had to be hog-collared by a nearby hump conductor and three gandy dancers who were busy placing ballast on the roadbed.
One of the fastest women in Ouray County Mills does manage to stay in great shape through her questionable hobby.
“We’d rather see her chasing horses or running down elk but she’s hooked on the trains,” said her father known in town as Pa. “I think it’s the sound and the fact that the trains make such a production of their arrivals and departures. It drives her nuts.”
Several of the leading freight companies have even attempted to hire Mills so as to distract her from the chase but that didn’t work. Apparently she didn’t take to a series of desk jobs preferring to be outside along the tracks.
“At least she doesn’t attempt to ram locomotives like that guy over in Placerville,” said Toole. “Now there was a man obsessed with technology.”
– Casey Jones
What I’ve Found Out
The public schools may suck but the US leads the world in the construction of private prisons.
78% People standing around waiting for something to happen while 22% others spend the day making it look like they are doing something important.
John Coltrane did not right “I’ve been working on the railroad”
A prisoner/convict can receive reduced jail time for getting a vasectomy in Tennessee
Carving the name Jesus on a healthy pine tree in the woods is not very Christian.
Extending a proposed pedestrian mall from Irwin to Almont might decrease the numbers of tourists currently mobbing Crested Butte.
If you have a flat tire at Snowden’s Meadow the mayor of Lake City might very well drive out there and help you out.
Dr. Pepper is not a real doctor.
The Military-Industrial crowd likes having lots of teen pregnancies and unwanted children running around with unprepared, often desperate parents. It assures canon fodder for their wars.
The saying dull as dish water is the same as saying as dull as ditchwater and depends entirely on one’s point of view
US military presence on Taiwan (Formosa) would be like a People’s Army naval base on Catalina Island.
Most persons whose faces are displayed on international currency are pricks.
Vietnamese rice whiskey is not suggested if one suffers from occasional gout.
The best way to extract olives from their skinny jars in Southeast Asia is by employing everyday chopsticks.
The Syrian War is not a video game.
The Opioid Epidemic (52,000 overdoses in 2015 alone) and uncounted meth deaths are not mentioned in Sessions’ Crackdown on pot.
A lot of people vote against themselves due to misplaced blame and fears promoted by political parties.
Pope Urges Faithful to Play Golf
(Vatican City) Pope Francis today encouraged a throng of believers mobbing St. Peter’s Basilica that a round of golf is perfectly compatible with spirituality and makes a fine follow-through to an hour or so cramped in a pew.
“Sunday is still the day of rest where I come from,” said the Pontiff in his native tongue. “And I find lofting a nine iron onto the green or dropping a 20-foot putt quite restful.”
On the subject of skipping church altogether in favor of more golf the Pope scowled and said that would be between the golfer and his conscience.
“My grandfather played plenty of golf in Buenos Aires and I often caddied for him,” continued Bergoglio, the first Pope from the Americas. “He cursed a bit but handed out valuable, life-lesson advice.
“Once he told me that it was far better to look for the ball in the middle of the fairway, where you hoped it had landed, rather than wasting time beating the bush or combing the water hazards for it. He said it was a metaphor like the Tango.”
Whether or not other Evangelicals will come onboard with this Sunday suggestion is unclear although the Presbyterians and the Episcopates have been tearing up the links for decades. Leading Baptists have flirted with the idea for some time but remain concerned that it might cut into evening services on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.
Readers may recall Puritans Banned Golf in 1677. “Foolish waste of time… Silly, causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases,. Often causes citizens to dress flamboyantly and is not in keeping with the modest dress of a God-fearing gentleman.
Pope Francis, who was never a stand-up comedian or scratch golfer while in Argentina became interested in these skills once he lived in Rome.
– St. Roscoe of Fairways
State cracks down on counterfeit barbecue aromas
(Gunnison) With the summer coming to a close, the Colorado Health Department has set new restrictions on escaping food odors, especially when the gastronomic source is unconfirmed. Popular fragrances, like those emanating from slowly smoked meats, are expected to be the first to go under the microscope.
Is this simple protectionism from an overzealous government agency? The effort is aimed at a less than appreciative populace that overwhelmingly feels it can make its own olfactory decisions.
Many industry spokespersons say the state has no place in curbing non-threatening scents and that the diversity in their culinary art is celebrated through the familiar bouquet generated by the cooking over traditional hardwoods. They demand an end to the interference which they claim diminishes the entire eating experience.
Meanwhile the government insists it is reevaluating phony aromas that may mislead people as to what’s for dinner.
“We don’t want a lot of culinary disappointments clouding prospective menus,” said one official. “We want people to smell the right smell and react in a positive manner. If we allow the presence and acceptance of bogus aromas we could throw off the entire food chain.”
The source went on to say that her agency is highly concerned with maintaining a passive population at all times.
“Pavlovian expectation can be devastating to a social order that wallows in promises of better days to come” she explained.
Pulling out a handy anatomical chart, she reminded consumers that the sense of smell is one of the five human senses along with sight, sound, feeling and taste. That said it was apparent everyone was not buying in to this latest safeguard.
“Why doesn’t our benevolent gov’ment address the subject of pollution and the rotting ozone instead of instituting high-handed limits on secondary aromas? asked one consumer advocate. “We’re not talking life threatening rudiments like fossil fuel pollution or even cigarette smoke here.”
Other critics say that governments prefer to frighten its citizenry with mindless concerns while ignoring real issues that are beyond its reach. They cite decisions to drop bombs rather than repair bridges.
“Diversions like barbecue smells mask the inability to solve real social problems and maintain infrastructure,”said the consumer advocate. “Sadly. the voters get the leaders they deserve.”
Colorado and other states fear the federal wing of the growing mess will cut off matching funds if they do not comply with the new precincts.
-Uncle Pahgre
