All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Going once…going twice…
You wanna see he fall colors up high? Better do it today.
Policy Toward China Based on Take-Out Menu
Fork or Chopsticks?
(Washington) The State Department today admitted that its official procedure for dealing with Mainland China from 1949 to 2017 has been based on an extensive Mandarin/Hunan take-out menu.
The 20-page menu, written entirely in Oriental dialects, was secured by CIA agents from the popular Golden Dragon Restaurant in Georgetown, just prior to the Korean Conflict. Defectors from the infant Maoist regime translated most of it at that time and recommended the garlic prawns with snow peas. Although Cold Warriors were convinced the items were displayed in code, time has proven that theory wrong.
“It was a simple Chinese menu…No substitutions, egg rolls extra,” said Fred Chow Mein, a former espionage officer, now employed as a lobbyist for Taiwan. “How anyone could have read more into this is insane.”
The original proprietors of the Golden Dragon, also named Mein, were deported during the McCarthy Era and the entire eatery was turned into a Wisconsin bratwurst joint. Then in 1954, with the fall of Joe McCarthy and the rise of ethnic appetites, the restaurant was reopened by a syndicate headed by Edward R. Morrow. It instantly became a hangout for journalists. The Mein family was brought back from Toronto and owns/operates the cafe today.
A State Department spokesman told reporters that, given the paranoia prevalent in the country at the time, it was quite feasible for the government to take the wrong path regarding diplomacy.
“Imagine the confusing messages sent to the Red Chinese about crisp Peking Duck alone,” she said. “I especially like the part where Douglas MacArthur threatens to cross the Egg Drop River with a fleet of amphibious wontons in 1951.”
– Susie Compost
Horseshoe interns caught making up verbs and conjunctions
(Merda Verde) Three summer interns at The San Juan Horseshoe are being charged with tampering with and abusing the English language. The action, performed clandestinely over a period of three months, was suspected after grammatical leaks and a plethora of new words started cropping up last week.
Discovered by night cleaning personnel, the contraband words had been hidden in a henway colloquial hamper until the time where they could be safely released into the existing language. Apparently creating bogus action words and sentence breaks came before employing the existing forms of communication, a felony in some academic and professional circles.
After two hours of cross-examination it appears likely that the linguistic pirates will plead guilty to the charges.
While no motive was established, police found evidence that an attempt to dupe the public was foremost on their minds when the transgression occurred. According to one investigator the trio were not attempting to radically change literary society as much as to throw it into anarchy and leave it there.
“They have been purposely misleading the humble scores,” insisted a spokesman for the local district attorney’s office. “Imagine introducing scores of unregistered verbs and frightening conjunctions onto the shoulders of an already word-weary population.
Culturally speaking, the affront might have passed for the young reporters’ desire to get ahead in the competitive world of poor writing. All have admitted wrongdoing but say they need the expanded vocabulary to make sentences more powerful and to avoid the repetition use of the same words in their work.
Adding that they never intended their coined words and often highly contagious nouveau slang to fall into the hands of a mono-lingual caste, the three asked for lenience since none had paid back their student loans and feared a poorly punctuated debtor’s prison more than a dangling participle, metaphorically speaking.
“Syntax and sentence structure be damed!” said an unidentified senior editor at the Horseshoe. These are snotty novices with a J-School stamp. Powdered wig proportions!” he gasped, compound sentences dripping from his scrolling lips. “
No modifiers! No hyphens! Not even footnotes! I say put them into a compound sentence and leave them to rot! Who do these pipsqueak elitists think they are adding and subtracting grammar at will, hammering a half-stuttered language to an early death!” quipped the above source.
The three yet to be named defendants are currently incarcerated on page 116 until further action is instigated.
– Daniela Diphthong
“There’s only two things that money can’t buy: That’s true love and home-grown tomatoes.”
– Guy Clark
Colorado to establish “Troubles Dumps”
(Denver) In a move to promote personal growth and general quality of life, the Rocky Mountain State has established the first of a projected 50 Trouble Dumps in population centers and at high risk locales.
Six initial Trouble Dumps are currently operating in test mode on the Confront Range where an advanced degree of trouble has been creeping around the mountain since bout 1975.
Experts contend that Colorado is sill the thinnest state and probably right up there is the happiest category too. This said leaders here hope to turn a progressive cheek and remain innovative when considering the well being of residents here.
“We want to stay on top and we do that by embracing cutting edge technology at every turn,” said a source in the governor’s office. “Whether the troubles of our residents are social, fiscal or even cultural, we will stand firm and respond quickly to issues that have plagued us for decades.”
The concept is really simple: Anyone who has ever been to the landfill or to a recycling center can dump their troubles without fear of judgment, observation or regression. Although bins are designated by “daily hassles”, “longterm bothers”, “lingering annoyances” or “unidentified anxieties” there are giant bins where a dumper can unload and abandon problems related to financial and political worries.
There are even bins in which to hurl unsuccessful diets, hair growing elixirs, scratched out lottery tickets, previously opened dairy products, worn out underwear, tamper-proof jigsaw puzzles, and cancelled credit cards.
“We hope to instruct the populace that while they sill encounter negative issues in their lives they have it pretty good compared to most of the planet’s population,” continued the gubernatorial source. “That’s where the tiny little trouble boxes and the unassuming designer bags on the fences are all about.”
The hitch-shedding facilities are expected to mushroom with the onset of winter season. Most will be open 8 to 3 with an early closure to insure daily mucking out of troubles thrown. The worries and tribulations will then be driven to undisclosed spots and buried with full honors attributed to any toxic waste or overwhelming personal strife.
The first Trouble Dumps to be established on the Western Slope are slated to to open by spring with state priority tags akin to highway maintenance and construction.
“Take a look at chuckholes on Interstate 70 and 25 and draw your own conclusions,” said the source. “It’s like taking a shower at the car wash.”
– Susie Compost
Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks
(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.
Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.
Most say they are already looking forward to spring.
The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.
Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.
Gunnison close to gold
The Gunnison River rolls through changing colors along Highway 50 west of town
