All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
SCIENTISTS CLONE BUCKET OF WATER
A research scientist poses with archaic salination apparatus moments before successfully cloning a bucket of water at Gothic, Colorado. Investors here hope the discovery will ease water shortages and allow humans to continue to abuse the life sustaining element.
(Gothic) Scientists at the Rocky Mountain Biological Lab here have successfully cloned about a pail of water. Working around the clock since June these cutting edge researchers confirm that water was created, albeit in small proportions, after combining genetic cells of several indigenous species with captured moisture and a residue of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.
Other than that they aren’t talking.
Overshadowed for years by projects aimed at cloning everything from chickens to people, the water creation came about with little federal funding, the operations budget evolving from alternative sources. Many of the day to day expenses were covered by local environmental groups with the remainder of the research money coming from state and local water boards, militant ditch riders and ranching interests.
“Most water boards, especially on the Confront Range, made their contributions anonymously or under the umbrella of hastily contrived public corporations,” said Melvin O’Toole, executive director of RMBL. “They didn’t want anyone to connect them to this innovative approach in case it failed.”
The cloned water is on display at Tony’s Conoco through February 12 when it will be shipped to Denver for analysis. Already conservationists have filed a lawsuit to prevent the water from being adjudicated for suburbs and golf corpses in the Denver metro area. They say that once the phenomenon reaches the heavily populated areas to the east the Western Slope will never get it back.
Meanwhile scientists here say they can clone larger amounts of water just as soon as they gain approval from regulatory boards and the federal government.
“They want to make sure that the excess water does not adversely affect the price of existing water,” continued O’Toole. “It’s like oil, milk or many other liquid forms. An abundance of water could cause prices to drop and result in a negative impact on the market.”
Many local watchdogs contend that the price of water has always been in the bargain basement and that any new water in this valley would be welcome news. Acknowledged as the breakthrough of the last century, the creation of abundant water supplies will change everything, they say.
“What the rest of the Rocky Mountains does with this new found treasure is their business,” said one environmentalist. “Soon we may see more green fields, experiments with high yield crops, more trees, less desert and, yes, more golf corpses. We have skirted the issue for far too long thinking that new sources of the life liquid would be found. Now we appear to be on the threshold of ice-cold discovery.”
For decades physicians, set on pathological career advancement and fame associated with medical breakthroughs, have focused on cloning living things. Despite condemnation from the government and religious groups they have blindly followed task, the medical hierarchy smiling in approval.
“For no other reason than the earth’s overpopulation this research must be terminated,” said O’Toole. “We don’t need any more people. But we do need a lot more water!”
Moments after the announcement a host of corporate interests were on the scene attempting to file patents, carve out deals and make claims of the new water. They seek to control the cloned substance and thus sell it to consumers at exorbitant prices.
“It’s the American way,” said one real estate executive who seeks to gain rights for a 10,000-home suburb east of Denver. “We have no water now but we have to keep feeding the monster that we have created or he’ll turn on us. Look at the pharmaceutical companies. They get away with whatever they like. If the people ever rise up and take back what is theirs we’ll all be on the chopping block.”
O’Toole would not comment when asked if his research would lead to the cloning of snow. He did say, however that the RMBL needed storage containers, cisterns, troughs and a backhoe so as to continue to clone the wet gold.
“What good is anything without water,” O’Toole pontificated. “So what if we drill for a million barrels of oil? It can’t keep people from their thirst. What good is a pickup load of gold if the driver is parched? We envision two men. One has a bag of gold, the other a cup of water. When push comes to shove which one would best benefit from an even trade?”
O’Toole went on to assure supporters that his water was of the finest quality and tasted just like all the other water in the region.
“It’s fresh, clear and bountiful…and best when served cold,” he quipped. “The first thing on our extended agenda is to return the rivers of this country to their original state, then I myself plan to take a long, hot shower.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Congress Votes to End Spoils System
The United States Senate today voted overwhelmingly to terminate lavish health care and bloated lifetime pensions for elected Representatives in House. In addition it set limits on financial transactions involving pork barrels, lobbyists and super pacts.
Not to be outdone, the House countered with ban on such luxury entitlements as daily limo use, lobbyist luncheons and introduces fines for chronic absenteeism. The body then followed suit, banning brahman health coverage and pensions for its colleagues in the senate.
The projected savings are estimated to be in the low billions. Although the destination of these newly generated funds was not clear it is likely the money will not filter down to struggling taxpayers or help purchase health care for the needy.
“We certainly don’t want these recovered funds to end up in the wrong hands,” said one senator, with a dismissive wink.
The legislative branch contends that, after administrative costs are subtracted, the sum be deposited into a secret Swiss cheese account where it will be safe and soon forgotten by the great unwashed. The rest of the savings will most likely be invested in the schlock market or spent buying lottery tickets in drafty constituent districts from Oregon to Alabama.
Officials who sit in Congress had been recipients of A-1 lifetime health coverage and a hefty lifetime pension even though most are already rich beyond the dreams of the common man. They have achieved the status of royalty, perched in the catbird seat, a roost inaccessible to their fellow citizens.
The lawmakers were so busy pointing the finger, jockeying for position and covering their posteriors that they did not have time to undress campaign parameters, North Korea nukes, immigration, tax reform, national health care, Afghanistan, and our crumbling domestic infrastructure.
– Tommy Middlefinger
KNOTHOLE NEWS
PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS
(Pitkin) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds.
Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting the regions in the future.
“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the plan. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”
Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to Wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby.
“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, of Malfunction. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”
The federal government, all wrapped up in another senseless Presidential election has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.
Department of Interior to start big fires
(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.
Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-November.
Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan fool-proof.
Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to be done with annoyances once and for all.
“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”
Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season so as to send a message to the firearm lobby.
Biosphere III Filling Up
(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to house herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.
According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.
“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, the architect behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”
This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.
Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.
Unearthed parchment could be God’s Joke Book
(King Hezekiah RV Park, Israel) Archeologists and theological historians here think they’ve stumbled onto a double-edged fortune, at least in a Biblical sense. Digging near Tel Be’er Sheva, a team of seven prominent anthropologists has unearthed a stunning prize that they say is the legendary Joke Book of Jehovah or God’s Joke Book.
Many diverse groups who may be a bit premature depending on the book’s actual content have called the discovery a sign and a blessing.
Dr Oxford Cambridge
“We all read the Old Testament and can attest to some rather lewd and seedy episodes that we all of course remember the most vividly, if not fondly,” said Dr. Oxford Cambridge, who has amassed millions hosting a Wednesday evening off-color bible study/bingo revival for a robotic workforce chained to their benches and in need of a good joke.
“If anyone knows jokes it’s me,” said Cambridge. “I have over 7000 in my repertoire, more if you count the one-liners. I have 200 plaid suits, 35 exploding umbrellas and more than 300 squirting lapel boutineers in my dressing room at all times!” he swallowed hard.
“I tell you, this mummified book is the Real McCoy! It covers the Four Basic Joke Groups as professed by Michael the Archangel at Hialeah Park:
Three guys walk into this oasis; Woman gets on a chariot; So my hairdresser says; Mother-in-Law lives above the garage. It’s as clear as the nose on your face!”
Artifacts like this are often hidden away for eons making positive identification that much more difficult for accredited scientists.
God’s Joke Book?
“The passages establish a pattern* of supreme abandonment and disturbing willingness to create and move on,” say those on the ground here. “And at the same time the hand-written laugh log displays a chilling, sophisticated, almost eternal sense of humor. It should be duly noted that the author is particularly rough on Pharisees, Zealots and the religiously intolerant.”
Although at the top of his much publicized Mistake List humans do not warrant much respect as far as the pecking order of godly. They appear to be the often-subtle butt of all cosmic criticism and demand less and less restraint. An occasional earthquake or hurricane keeps them guessing. “They couldn’t boil water had I not sent them fire.” an out-of-context punch line identified as same from God’s Joke Book?
*Strong references to with Vaudeville, Burlesque and Slapstick lends credence to claims that God could be at least part Jewish, which does not break with any of the scant existing dogma on the subject.
**How can God tell so many jokes about mother in laws when he has never had one?
***Not exactly the constant gardener, not the doting father figure or even a standout babysitter, God may have turned off his listening device before most of us are out of bed in the morning.
TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS
(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Daylight Savings Club the Ouray Town Clock will now keep time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing.
“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers.”
Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the task when the clock runs short of juice.
“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray.”
TOWN BUYS CYBER SPACE
Parking Should Improve Almost Overnight
(Crested Butte) Town fathers and mothers have reportedly purchase some 3,000 bites of cyberspace which will be turned into parking spaces by winter. According to the architects of the acquisition the space was cheap, compared to current real estate market appraisals.
“It’s a lot like mineral rights and dog poop under the snow,” said one proponent of the plan. “We all know what’s under there but it takes a cosmic reintroduction to create the desired results.”
When completed, the cyberspace will accommodate roughly 3,000 vehicles and generate an estimated $25,000 per day in additional parking fines for the town.
“Those funds will be kept under the bed and then used to buy more cyberspace in the future,” said one conceptual engineer. “We don’t want to be another anything. We just want to find a place to park before the end of the century.”
In addition to alleviating a major traffic problem the move could create 100 new jobs for valet cyberspace parking attendants and some 25 security personnel who will check “lift tickets” displayed by motorists.
“The benefits of additional space should be quite noticeable at peak times of the season such as festival weekends and the day the food stamps arrive in town.
– Rocky Flats
