All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
St. Roscoe’s Adds Jungle Medicine Whiz
(Mañana) The physicians and surgeons at St Roscoe Memorial Hospital today welcomed Dr. Hex LooDioux to the staff of specialists at the institution. LooDioux, from Brazil by way of Sierra Leone will oversee the experimental medicine wing as well as man the emergency room fetish desk on weekends. His education at some of the finest medical schools in Europe was accentuated by three years practicing Candomble’ orthopedics in Salvador and another residency in the remote forests of Borneo studying the effects of pharmaceuticals on the love life of the Dayak fruit bat.
“Dr LooDioux comes well pedigreed,” said Dr. Good-Saint, former AMA poster boy and Director of Medical operations at St Roscoe’s. “His research in primitive medicine and folk cures is equalled only by his exploratory senses and surgical skills. Plus he plays golf.”
Hoping to play down his longtime embrace of Vodun (West African Voodoo), Loodioux has mastered fly fishing and coaches Little League baseball. He has recently joined the hospital bingo league and the local Baptist church. He has limited daily chanting to the early morning and replaced the statue of Mami Wata at the entrance of his office with one of Hippocrates.
Says LooDioux, “According to Yoruba Mythology people who pay for medical services with chickens or goats run the risk of their children being born with facial features resembling these animals.”
While an intern at a private hospital in Dakar, LooDioux upset the local hospital hierarchy by prescribing rum and cigars to most of his patients and performing spells on the sick in their homes saving them the expense and discomfort of a hospital stay.
LooDioux is the third cousin of Prince Elmo Zaribbe of Nigeria, a staunch ally of the U.S. “just so long as the checks clear”. He is said to have 112 wives and over 300 children none of whom have accompanied him to his new post in the Rockies. – Manual Flushe
Size not important most women say
(Chalmette, LA) The size of a pair of shoes is not always the first consideration prior to a purchase according to a majority of women polled this week. Seventy-five percent of female shoppers surveyed here say other variables, such as style, color and price are far more important than fit.
“Of course one must realize that this response was preceded by “drawn/slightly tight” to “loose/unconstricted” in in no way implies that women would go around in shoes that cut off circulation or kept falling off.
“Today’s woman is looking to make a fashion statement from head to toe,” said Margot Rotweiller, president of Feets Don’t Fail Me Now, a New England Cordwainer and Cobbler outfit that turned its first leather shoe in 1703. “If the style is right she can grow into it. If the price is right she can make do.”
Closets are often piled high with shoes that fit perfectly well but “just don’t work” according to those responding to the questionnaire, circulated throughout the Marie LaVeau’s Irish Channel Shopping Mall this weekend. The well-dressed woman prefers a little initial discomfort over color clashes and last year’s drab or outmoded version.
On the male side of the coin, secondary data, collected subliminally at free sausage and cheese pavilions, suggest that most men don’t give a hoot what they look like just so long as they are comfortable. The mantra for the average male, at least in Louisiana is: If it’s got shoe laces – go with it. – Manual Flushe
Paradise becoming household word
(Paradise Divide) Once a term that huddled up with utopia, heaven, bliss, nirvana, Zion and Shangri-la paradise has become the catchword for a vast assortment of locales all over the globe. It’s become a testimony for the unimaginative who somehow think their paradise is the real paradise and that the others are pretenders to the throne.
The other day I received an e-mail from a woman on Little Corn Island in Nicaragua. She thanked me for my query saying that my letter had arrived in two weeks from the U.S.. Then she said “Things move slow here in paradise. What? Which paradise? I wrote her back that I too lived in paradise, only mine was 8000 feet and not on the beach. She didn’t seem to get it. Has she only visited one paradise in her life? How limited. I won’t stay at her hotel.
Then there was the pension in Grenada (Nicaragua) called Another Night in Paradise. How clever. I won’t stay there even one night, even if they have ice. Too bad. Here we have a minimum of undeveloped spots in the world and some clown has to call them paradise. What do you think that will do? It will bring more people in search of their own personal heaven and wreck the place in a matter of months.
Realtors love to use the word paradise when promoting the sale of land. They have jacked up paradise to where it means nothing. Maybe that’s why they’re always posing in their ads with face lifts and with Golden Retrievers, ya think?
There are paradise beaches, passes, plateaus, peaks, rivers, lakes, tributaries, canals, malls, valleys, meadows, freeways, tours, ski areas, motors, acres, coiffures, temples, tattoo parlors, car lots, restaurants, bars, skating rinks, plazas, rest homes, trailer parks, kennels, counseling centers, liquor stores and botanical gardens. And that’s just the beginning of the roster.
Every state in this country has at least one town named Paradise. There’s Paradise, New York; Paradise, Illinois; Paradise, Florida and Paradise Texas to start with. I have been to all of these and I cannot detect even a subtle hint of paradise, unless it’s the high-tech car wash in Florida or the pork ribs in Texas.
Not to beleaguer the point: Maybe it’s time for the idle rich in Crested Butte to belly up to the wine bar and formulate a new concept in reference to the town and region. How about Elysium or Lubberland. Both words are in the dictionary and so far as I can tell there is not so much as one Elysium, New York or Lubberland, Illinois.
In closing, the word paradise appears in the dictionary right between paradigm and paradox. What more do we need to proceed? Does one have to walk into walls to prove they are there? Would a two by four do the job? – Rocky Flats
Pitkin in top 25…PARLIN NAMED SAFEST US CITY
(Gunnison) Tiny Parlin has been named the nation’s safest city, narrowly edging Detroit and Los Angeles for the honor. The surprising results were extracted after extensive polling and months of door to door interviews conducted by the Crime Fighters Anonymous, Tree City Ventures, Community Options, the Urban League and the local fire department.
“We are pretty darn proud of our town,” said Chuck “Salt” Flats, who has resided in the town for over 70 years. “We haven’t had this much attention since Alder Creek flooded Quartz Creek and the Utes came to town.”
It is surmised that the accolade will dramatically increase tourism during the summer months.
Visitors to Colorado are always looking for something new and different,” said Flats. “Although Parlin is not new and is not particularly different it’s really a nice spot for fishing and a picnic. Hey, it’s even romantic!”
The winning decision was based on crime rate and lifestyle which is enjoyed by Parlin’s residents year round. Even the livestock were consulted. Within the population only one crime was committed which turned out to be a misunderstanding, back in 1947, when a disoriented motorist from Ohio City failed to pay for a Dixie cup’s worth of gasoline.
“And she returned to pay the 4 cents the next day,” said Flats, a former military policeman. “We can’t be sure what’s causing all this calm. Maybe it’s the street lights or the fact that everyone here is armed…but something is working.”
Residents will meet over the weekend to discuss where to exhibit the fifty foot trophy that is expected to arrive by Pony Express next month. – Rufus Maxwell
Reconstruction Finally Over?
Obama orders troops from south
(Montgomery) President Obama today ordered the withdrawal of more than 400,000 federal occupation troops from the southern United States, in hopes of putting an end to the American Civil War which has has raged since 1861. The troops had been in place since 1865 following the cessation of hostilities.
“We herald a new day in relations with our former adversaries,” said an Obama spokesman, who was not born until 1990. “We feel that the citizens of the former Confederate States have assimilated to the ways of the New America and should be welcomed back into the fold without a military presence there.”
Obama, from Hawaii, which became a state in 1959, after being conquered in 1893, has wanted to terminate the state of siege that has existed “down south” even though the region has always voted against him because he is Black and educated. Irony opened many doors here…too many to undress in this venue.
Reaction to the move was mixed with many residents miffed that the process took so long and that the sitting President that pulled the strings was Obama. Others were concerned as to the economic repercussions of the massive move of human bodies and the threat of attack by foreign armies.
“I sell a lot of Dixie Beer and hushpuppies to them soldier boys,” said Louella Stonewall Parsimmons, a reconditioned southern belle who operates Little Lula’s Levee Lounge, just outside of New Orleans. “It’s bad enough the drilling is up and down and half the fishing is banned from season to season. I may have to resort to prostitution to keep the lights on.”
Another local, Antoine LeCreppe, of nearby Chackbay, expressed concern over an impending invasion by Mexico.
“Those boys down there have coveted our crawfish bisque recipes since the French and Indian War. That’s before we stole most of the West from them in 1848,” he spat. “Y’all remember, as part of that Manifold Destiny scam, which didn’t do much for folks around here.”
LaCreppe claims that as soon as the Yankee troops depart, the former Confederacy will be swallowed up by Mexico and forced to pay homage to Emperor Maxmilian who was executed in 1867. He is relocating his fishing camp to Grand Isle in hopes of discouraging the first wave of attackers before they reach the heartland of Louisiana. – Marie Laveau
Colorado pot plants doing “exceptionally well” in Turkish Contest
(Istanbul) It’s the talk in bazaars from Baghdad to Basra and whispered in caravans all along the Old Silk Road.
Colorado cannabis plants have all but swept this year’s Anatolia Hemp Competition held in the shadow of the Blue Mosque in this crossroads Eurasian metropolis.
It could be easily argued that the marijuana “made in the Rockies” was far and above the best, finishing in four of five organic categories: Natural and Homeopathic, Hydroponics, Rain gutter technology (encompassing thermal) and Freestyle Cultivation. The final effort concluded with a sixth place finish in the cutting edge Salient Precipitates and Underground production class, a spaced age procedure deemed illegal in many Western countries due to the occasional use of human sacrifice.
Coming away with 16 gold medals and one bronze the Colorado Agricultural Dream Team dominated the heavily juried event. Istanbul, brandishing its long and curious romance with hash consumption seemed the perfect venue with warm days and crisp evenings, delicious cuisine and ancient history out every door. Although old rivalries emerged the event came off without the petty jealousies and ethnic miscalculations that have plagued Asia Minor in recent years.
Finishing well in the overall competition were Spain: 4 Gold, 9 Silver, 3 Bronze; Pakistan: 2 Gold, 5 Silver, 6 Bronze: Cinderella entry Paraguay: 2 Gold, 10 Silver and 9 Bronze, Mauritania: 1 Gold, 3 Silver and 2 Bronze and of course host country Turkey which brought home 6 Gold and 4 Silver medals.
According the the judge’s panel the five human senses pretty much determine prizes. Taste, smell and size/beauty are joined by the embrace of peace and sense of well being. The sense of touch is measured by pheromone – respiratory response and by distinct body rush quotients. The fabled 6th Sense whether surreal, telepathic, or simply intuitive comes into play to break a tie or adding replacement players toward the end of botanical soirees when the spiked dessert squares have all disappeared.
Due to local customs and law no inhalation, combustion, incineration or consumption of the pistillate hemp plant was endorsed or encouraged by the Anatolia Hemp Society.
One proxy award was presented to Turkey in the category of Growing Schemes, for the use of alpine marmot scat in its trademark black buckets donning the white crescent on red background flag of the secular, parliamentary republic. 268,000 entries were recorded by the organizers.
Some of the American product awarded top ratings (Gold Medals) are Rocky Flats Big Boy, Nucla-Naturita Knuckles (Twin Cities Twinkie), Paonia Red Eyed Purple Monster, Uncompahgre Rollover, Celestial Tidings, Andalucian Sans Sevilla, and Albuquerque-Ignacio Instant Dumb.
Honorable mention includes Minca Finca, Miss Polly Pinon, Happy Dewpoint, Maui Vacation (Gold) , Infra-ridiculous, Cloudy Oaxaca, Aspen Barking Bud (Gold) , San Luis Habla de Misma, Glenwood Knock Me Down, Green Oz, Poudre Canyon Skunk, and Taylor Park Breakfast Weed (Bronze).
The last event of the contest centers on cooking with marijuana with over 25,000 registered hemp chefs showing their stuff, not just in the culinary sense but in the field of medicinal breakthroughs as well.
Many feel that this overwhelming victory could open the door to federal aid for hemp growers, once hush-hush legislation that is gaining support in the Senate and strangely enough momentum in House.
“Puritans have historically put money before personal morals and perceived integrity,” said one proponent for aid to hempsmen. “They’ll come around sooner or later.”
– Gabby Haze
