All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Summer hangs on in Gunnison park
Summer color hangs on in Gunnison
NSA Caught Spying on Itself
(Washington) The National Security Agency has been caught with its pants down again. According to recently released data the spooks have staked themselves out right in front of the looking glass. The accusations received at 5 leading U.S. newspapers this morning allege that the spies have come full circle and lapped themselves and, in doing so have spent millions of tax payer dollars in the process.
Initial information leaked by Edward Snowden, the whistleblower now living in Russia, was enough to tip off senators already investigating the questionable activities of the bloated espionage crew. Soon surveillance verified that the arrogant beagles had been poking around, collecting intelligence, some odious, some petty, some meaningless, but all stored away for future application.
“These bozos are so wrapped up in the international cloak and dagger racket that they have been spying on themselves,” said the accompanying correspondence from Snowden. “After watching them I am proud that I released the damning data, although it’s starting to get cold here in Moscow.”
“We were working on an official apology letter to the government of Brazil, a nation spied on by the NSA, when we discovered that the scandal was much more extensive than we thought,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We knew these sleuths were sniffing around but we didn’t really they had their noses up the posterior of allies and friends across the globe.”
Noise called the behavior of the NSA insidious and incompetent. He said that the NSA, which reports to the Homeland Security Agency had no real curbs or controls put on it and did pretty much as it damn well pleased in the name of the citizens of the United States.
A spokesperson for the rogue agency had little comment this morning. Rumors persist that the entire staff is severely constipated and called in sick for the the third day in a row. Most of the guilty parties have seniority, cannot be fired and will most likely be transferred to another wing of the gov’ment.
“If they were spying on Brazilian bikinis that would be one thing,” said Noise, “but they were spying on a friend with which we have had good diplomatic relations for decades.”
Several other victims of these ardent fanatics have filed official complaints with the state department. All have embassies in the U.S. All are angry.
“We must nip this kind of transgression in the bud before American tourists are not welcome anywhere, even Russia,” he said.
BIG BOX FASHION SHOW SLATED FOR MONTROSE
(Spring Creek) The first ever fashion show completely devoted to Big Box figures will be held at the Montrose Fairgrounds February 5-9. Presentations will focus on large sizes and the impact of overloading in the closet as well as on the street or avenue. In addition to the fashion review the program features information kiosks dubbed Why Lose Weight? and “The More the Merrier.”. Issues such as justice in plane overcrowding, park bench maintenance, increased undertaker/casket fees for the opulent and satellite industries emerging from a chubby population are expected to be well represented. Health issues will not to be addressed. Every fast food interest known to man will be represented with grease booths and plenty of free samples.
“We are tired of the fashion world obsessing with skinny models when most of the consumers in these United States are obese or at least overweight,” said Hector Delgado, organizer of the event which will be televised by stations all over Grand Junction. Radio coverage will converge on the scene on the runway and is expected to emphasize locally manufactured clothing and accessories for the modern man and woman.
Since the clearly overweight and obese now make up the majority of Americans the response has been overwhelming and a large turnout is anticipated.
This initial display of Big Box fashion carries with it a dangerous message that “It’s OK To Be Fat”.
Several groups have threatened to boycott the show saying that it has no place in Colorado – The Skinniest of the 50 States. Some more militant advocates say they will disrupt the proceedings so as to send a clear message that this state of affairs is not acceptable or beneficial to a healthy social order.
Entertainment will be provided by the legendary Bad Tuna Boys featuring the virtuoso yodeling of Big Steppe. Psychiatric testing for corpulent participants will be provided by the local pork growers.
“Obesity is a sad slice of life,” said one activist. “End of story.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
BINGO PARLORS – INNOCENT PASTIME?
(Montrose) Every night hundreds of people play bingo here in this Western Colorado hub. It’s fun and it gives many of them a chance to socialize without spending a fortune on other forms of entertainment. Of late, zealots in the community (fresh from knightly jousts with evil gargoyles) have decided that bingo is a sin, due to associations with numerology.
“We knew it was gambling, in a sense,” said Margot Rotweiller, executive director of the Central Rockies Recreational Bingo Coalition, “but we didn’t really think we were committing immoral acts here at the hall. Sure, cigarette smoking used to be permitted and coffee is served, but the only drinking done is off the premises.”
Many neighbors insist that not only the bingo callers but the board itself are in league with the devil.
“Haven’t you heard about numerology and the application of negative powers?” asked a frightened looking, self-admitted former drug addict turned righteous last night or the night before. “Don’t you even watch the television evangelists? They need your money more than this bawdy bingo parlor.”
At present no one has come forth to be saved or to respond to the accusations of this vocal minority. It is not know whether people take their pleas seriously or if they are simply asleep.
“We’re functioning completely within the law,” said Rotweiller, who added that over 200,000 people have passed through the doors of the her bingo emporium since it opened in 1994. “In Salem they burned witches, in Nazi Germany they burned books, today they bomb abortion clinics. I suppose it was naive of us bingo fans to think we’d be exempt from the terrible swift sword.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
