All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Ski Areas Seek Yuletide Swap
(Crested Butte—-December 12, 2014) In an attempt to thwart the weather and take advantage of heavier snows in April a majority of Colorado ski resorts have petitioned the North Pole to change Christmas from December 25 to January 25. The shift would allow skiers to experience what are often the best snow conditions during the holidays
A coalition of legislators, schools and religious leaders say the ski industry has gone too far in attempting to change a long-standing holiday just to make money.
“Next thing you know they’ll want to change Thanksgiving,” said a teacher from Salida.
“That’s not a bad idea,” harped one ski industry spokesperson. “We’d rather open in late December. There re still turkeys around then. What’s the big deal?”
Strong opposition has arisen in Eastern Colorado where Grinches Go Home, a grassroots water movement, says the ski industry gets too much now.
“The ski people don’t share,” said one Grinch voice. “What if we just closed the roads? We look forward to Solstice and Christmas in December to help us get through a darker, colder time of the year. Changing Christmas would throw everything off and it isn’t going to happen.”
Ski promoters say dull is dull and that the holidays on the plains are simply that, no matter the date. More on this when we make it up.
– Spider Byte
Under the tree, 2014
(Mañana, Colorado — December 12, 2014)
A semi-splendid roster of sugar-plumbed diversions, frivolous fancies and indentured stocking stuffers aimed at jingling someone’s bells. Most can be had by perusing your favorite cheese and meat catalog, consulting the black market or by simply wishing hard enough. (Editor’s note: If you plan to embrace the third option be sure to bend your knees before engaging full power coordinates.)
POPEYE THE SAILOR ALARM CLOCK – Know someone who needs a few choice words before they’ll get out of bed? The perfect present is the Popeye Clock. Mounted on genuine plastic driftwood this clever time piece uses the language of the sea, or better put the language of the motherless sons of salt, who ride the ancient crest. About an hour before the whistle blows the sleepy headed recipient hears a series of nautical disastrous such as the Titanic, the Bismarck, the destruction of the Spanish Alls, smells rotting cod and gets a light case of the scurvy. At that point Popeye himself starts in with the really filthy language. If anyone can sleep through this cursing they are either near death or have functioned in the substitute teaching roll at the local junior high school. $119.95 at all fine jewelers.
SAGEBRUSH TERRARIUM SET – Know someone who can’t get enough of the high desert? What about this inexpensive, custom-made bit of earth science? Besides over 3 pounds of live Rocky Mountain sagebrush, each terrarium includes struggling pear cactus, flat rocks, deer scat, scrub oak and volunteer piñon trees. Further accessories include hungry magpies, fresh road swill, trailer skirting, discarded beer cans, shell casings, old bait and an occasional arrowhead. Plexiglass exterior promotes solar energy access and wind-driven procrastination switch determines the appropriate seasonings. Wonderful for the classroom or the jail cell. Perfect for people who don’t have time for pets. Cheaper than two pairs of wool socks. $13.99 at Garden of Evens and all For the Love of Ivy Stores.
GREAT NORTH EDIBLE GIFT BASKET – Vacuum packed for freshness this mouth-watering little gem will be consumed before Christmas if creatures are stirring. First we observe a healthy portion of reindeer sausage, embedded with fresh yak cheese and Eskimo pie. Over on the windward side is Caribou mustard and Polar Bear jerky. Underneath the first level the happy holidays are echoed once again with Yurt candy and three full quarts of seal juice. Most baskets offer a redeemable coupon for a year’s worth of walrus tongue, certainly considered a delicacy somewhere. Enough for about $15- $20 postage paid. Igloo Ventures.
JACK DANIELS FLAVORED DENTAL FLOSS The educated consumer may believe that all floss is the same but they are in for a surprise. If your teeth fall out after normal use see your dentist and/or bartender. Not available in parts of Tennessee. On sale everywhere for as little as $8.95 per quart.
BARBIE UNITED NATIONS WEAPONS INSPECTION TEAM – Throw a little Christmas fear in the direction of folks like Saddam Hussein when Ken and Barbie come to town. Simulated chemical weapons testing devices, Barbie desert jeep, two weeks worth of fashionable if not functional dry land outfits. Barbie laser audio makes threats and presents ultimatums (like those spouted in the former Serbian Empire) to anyone who’ll listen. Plane fare included. Accessories include gas masks, laser-guided jewelry, sun glasses, credit cards, prozac supplements, sea rations, hip boots and the 7th Fleet, which is anchored off the coast just in case things get rough. When you’re looking for moral indignity or just some downright suburban fantasy look to Barbie and Ken. Not available in Saudi Aurora or Utah. About $35 at toy stores.
GREATEST EROTIC PERFUME COMMERCIALS – The title says it all. What do wanton lust, white horses, skimpy gowns and hairy chests have to do with aromas often manufactured in New Jersey? We certainly don’t know, but the video is selling like mad. Who buys things like this? Why is there so much of this stink juice sold at Christmas? Just what the hell is going on anyway? $39.99 at Schlockbusters.
“DEAR SOCKS…DEAR BUDDY” – Hillary Clinton’s latest literary contribution tracks her recent difficult days with Bill and the heart-worming advice offered by the White House pets. “Hillary’s bitchiness comes out like fish bones on trash day,” says the Spar City Spartan. “We didn’t know animals had so much to say, even if they’re mixed breeds”, says The American Kennel Club Digest. In two volumes, the book is a quick read. Formatted to fit the average Christmas stocking. $14.95
THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS TIE (Pictured) – Show someone they are trivial, their presence inconsequential, with a long, white box. This ultimate standby present goes quite a bit of the way in saying you are expendable twelve months a year. Simplify your Christmas shopping. Buy ties for everyone and let them fight over the colors. The cheaper the material the more direct the message. Plentiful at Salivation Army Stores, Good Phil’s and Tie Won On in Mañana. Market price.
TUPPERΩWARE UMBRELLA ENSEMBLE – Remote control, indoor-outdoor, water repellent, molded molybdenum handle follows you almost anywhere! Detachable carpet slippers just like the ones worn by General Longstreet at the Battle of Petersburg. Relax: It’s brainless! Tiny navigational screen plots your next step while acoustic wave monitoring system watches for rain clouds on the horizon. Ask yourself: Why wouldn’t I buy something like this? It’s digital. It’s wireless. It’s bilingual. Comes in ceramic, mesh and popular cordon bleu. $329.99
AEROBIC LAUNDRY DEPRESSOR – Sold out. You don’t need to know. Why not buy them a body fat analyzer instead. Self-cleaning litter boxes are nice if a cat is in the picture. $59.99
BARNEY FUNERAL ANNOUNCEMENT KIT – BJ and Baby Bop are in black and Barney is finally dead. Wake attachments for high-strung ethnic neighbors, heated cartoon casket and ashes bucket are only the beginning. Avoid tedious human contact with computerized guest list. home computer. Futuristic technology for everyone but Barney. Embalming Elmo in funeral director’s suit optional. Jello dishes and bland casseroles, brought over by neighbors you’ve never met, available this spring. $56.99
PROPANE-POWERED ACETYLENE NOSE HAIR TRIMMER – Just like the ones they used to employ in the NBA. Operates entirely on propane. Highly magnetic and adjustable. Comes in small, medium, large and industrial sizes. Sugar-free digital ambience creates a sensitive almost melodramatic finale every time you use it.
KINDA NAUGHTY FRENCH CALENDAR – Like the one hanging in the Oval Office. The 2014 calendar offers full-color sultry poses and frontal shots of Charles DeGaulle, Francois Mitterand, Ferdinand Foch, Napolean Bonaparte, Jules Grevy, Jean Casimir Perier, George Clemenceau, Marshal Phillipe Petain and other leading bunglers since Charlemagne. Now you can change months as easy as the French change governments. Sold in all office machine and book stores. $11.95
YO DUDE WALLET SNOWBOARD – Perfect for the snow athlete who’s sick of hauling his board around. Works great for hitchhiking, apres ski and avoiding the local patrol. 100% theft-proof almost. Comes complete with Vegematic fax machine, rectal-implant cell phone and TV channel changer for semi-anal pursuits later in life.
Crested Butte Church in Snow
Praying for more snow in Crested Butte
On this day in history
On this day in History from Gunnison, Colorado Archives —December 12, 2014
In 10,000 BC Cave person Oog Muklucke invented the first rock music by simultaneously pounding two geodes together and stomping his feet. Some of his more important compositions were “Rock Around the Sundial”, “Blue Suede Loincloth” and “Hit the Brontosaurus Path, Jack”. Sadly he was several millennia ahead of his time and no one cared to listen to his songs. He died in poverty and obscurity. Centuries later Michael Jackson bought the rights to the songs and Muklucke’s descendants (still resembling cave personnel) enjoyed the spoils of his ancient rhythms.
In 1505 Hector Joaquin III led a fiery assault on Brandenburg, Germany, employing 8000 lancers, 120,000 cavalry and three divisions of battle-hardened Flemish infantry. Joaquin, no stranger to high fashion appeared on the field adorned in a tasteful Prussian herringbone waistcoat, highbrow slacks of woven corduroy, a patchwork plume de schlock greatcoat and spats of pure gold Persian guano worth more than his mount. Accompanying the soon to be celebrity were the Second Flying Battalion of Hogs in Armor. Residents of the city slept through the entire incident culminating in a vain attempt to ignite the city’s rock walls.
In 1777 (still remember fondly as the Year of the Three Sevens) Spanish explorer Juan de la Tutu passed over the future site of Montrose while searching for a gay bar and a route to the Pacific. Curious Ute warriors, encountering the scantily attired, yet fashionable, Tutu the Conquistadora, was given a buffalo robe and a coffee-stained map of the Great Salt Lake before being sent on his way.
In 1832 Mary Poppins plummeted to her death due to a faulty rear-end on her magic umbrella. After formal and systematic examination, investigators concluded that the dysfunction was the result of sabotage on the part of workers earning minimum wage while a flamboyant Poppins lived the high life in London.
In 1846 the United States and Mexico signed the Treaty of Little Latin Lupe Lu whereby the US would stop stealing Mexico’s land in return for the recipe for Sonoran Chili Rellenos and Veracruz Guacamole Dip. Unfortunately the recipes then fell into the hands of the United Fruit Company that used them as a pretense to grow bananas and prevent the redistribution of lands to poor campesinos in Central America.
In 1889 cowpunchers in Parlin, Colorado suspended plans to breed a toy quarter horse by transferring DNA of miniature poodles into the gene pool of Pura Raza Andalusian stock. The infant results of the experiments discouraged shade tree animal husbandry for the next two decades. Most of the breeders left Colorado in disgrace as geldings.
In 1920 Banjo Patterson (1861-1941) penned “Waltzing Mathilda” while incarcerated in Prague for his alleged distribution of “Clancy of the Overflow”, a seriously discredited account of Leadville’s first bathing beauty contest held at Stringtown following the First World War. Patterson was then exonerated only to be sent to a maximum security prison in Odessa for whispering that the deposed Czar Nicholas had the manners of a hungry seagull.
In 1979 a team of surgeons from the now defunct Longbranch University School of Medicinal Liquids announced that they had successfully transplanted the brain of a marmot into the head of a tourist. The project, a joint venture between the doctors and the School of Political Science, was aimed at creating a better-informed electorate that would sleep under rocks in the ground on election day.
In 2012 both the Democratic and Republican Parties adopted a platform of truth, justice and accountability at respective conventions this morning only to reverse the action in the afternoon when it became apparent that the original platform was in direct conflict with at least 90% of those present.
– compiled by Manny Copac
YULESCOPE
(Silverton Star Gazers Report – December 12, 2014)
Attention Star Gazer Types: When ordering from the following cosmic menu please do so only by adjoining number. No substitutions. Parties of ten or more will be charged a 15% gratuity fee if they look like deadbeats. Remember: It is illegal to move around a Utah restaurant with a cocktail in your hand but, in most cases, you are in Colorado, so it’s OK. Persons under18 and over 65 qualify for a 25% discount but must include the ability to display color-coordinated underwear in their repertoire
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Winter is here. How about a nice root canal to go with it? There will be great relief from the frustrations associated with shorter daylight hours, as television bowling is about to hit prime time. Weekends will be full, Diversions from the work/school could include experimentation with potato vodka. Your kid has been named Most Valuable Player on his charm school football team. Your dog is at risk. A few hours spent on housebreaking techniques could save the rug and give both of you a strong sense of accomplishment.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – January 21)
In order to succeed today, you must have the courage of your convictions, even though most are classified as misdemeanors. If you have no convictions, borrow some from a friend. If you really believe in something, don’t let the facts cloud your mind. Jump in with two or three feet. Things should proceed quite well this month just as long as you do not meddle in your own affairs. The key to enjoying the great outdoors is spending more time indoors. Consolidate copper finances. It’s a start.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22 – Feb. 19)
Victory may have its cost, but over the long haul it is always cheaper than defeat. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem making decisions today if you simply ignore all possible options. Your chart indicates that rewards are on the way, but it also indicates that you are prime for a collision with a small panel truck. It will become quite difficult to follow your instincts while attempting to lead. Store all holiday fruitcake carefully. After a few months fermenting, it could give you a welcome buzz, come February.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Today is a good time to write letters. Try with the vowels first and move into the consonants when you are ready. Crayons are a girl’s best friend but a pen and pencil set makes a better Christmas present. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Someone very close to you may not be as perceptive or resourceful as you are. Go for the throat and you will no doubt come out with prize scalps. Overcome your self-doubt with the realization that much comfort comes by embracing general incompetence. Your fly is open.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
That big, red nose will make it tough to get away with little white lies today. Experiment with half-truths in small doses. When dealing with your emotions or a side dish of reality, stick to the children’s portions. You are in a cycle demanding careful management of your resources. Add bleach. Keep one eye on the stock market and the other two on your piggy bank. Avoid the temptation to showboat while dumpster diving. Nobody likes grandstanding, with the possible exception of rats.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll never find a sugar daddy (or momma) with that sour look on your face. If we get to heaven on the arms of people we’ve helped, do we go to hell riding on the asses we’ve kicked? Warmer relationships are a sure thing this month especially if you spend it in Mexico. Initiate romance by brushing your teeth. While potentially harmful, erratic behavior is better than no behavior at all. Memorize the numbers and letters on your license plate. These combinations hold the future!
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Obsessive concern over trendy fashion could be your downfall. Try wearing whatever clothes you find on the floor each morning. Exude apathy and people will notice your outfit. Understanding the complexities of the modern world may require an occasional glance beyond your proboscis. Avoid split pea soup with dangling participles and tip big through the 26th. 1996 was a great year to diet. Using adjectives that one does not understand will ultimately lead to adverbial abuse from peers.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Buckle under pressure. Sure, it can be embarrassing but it beats raising expectations. Be patient with your worst enemy today, since he is the only one who still talks to you. Count to 10 before reacting to a conflict. If this is too much mental strain, try counting to 9 or 8. How can a lover expect you to make a commitment when you can’t even make the bed? Attempts to control your own destiny may fall short today. Instead, let fate roll the dice, but only if it has the hot hand. Shooting first and asking questions later might alleviate a lot of useless chatter but may generate problems in the legal arena. Pay all Bills. Anyone named John, Mary or Bob can just wait.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck this month. Avoid metal objects larger than the plate in your head. Cupid may be sitting on your shoulder this month. Check for stains. Fantasies and realities blend well at this time but so do rum and coconuts. Winning isn’t everything. There’s always losing. Be careful what you say this month, since someone might actually be listening. Your ability to do nothing for long periods of time is astounding to tree sloths. Stay upwind from department store Santas.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A positive philosophical attitude and outlook should help you rationalize almost anything through the month. May and June look good for you, but until then the best approach is to hang out. It’s amazing what a little dry wall and carpet can do for your rock. Breaking a sweat may be better than breaking the scale. Take house plants for a long walk. Grab the offensive this month by scrutinizing others before they scrutinize you. Don’t burn bridges at both ends this holiday season. Libido flows everywhere. Invest in a sturdy mop and bucket ensemble.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
Join a peer group sometime soon. Avoid redneck elves with opinions up their sleeves. Santa Claus is real, but you are not. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating or drinking your limit. Don’t you think it’s high time you got physical with knickknacks? Driving through a red light is better than stopping for a green one. Hate Christmas? So did Joe Stalin. Jesus was a Capricorn. You are a worthless Libra. Tonight: Take a bath with your livestock.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Your prospects for financial gain are excellent if you simply dress the part. A ski mask is essential, as well as subtle jewelry, light makeup, sensible footwear and a tasteful handbag. Don’t count you chickens before the cows come home to roost or something. Imitate the proud jackass. He has somehow ascended your family tree which is now prime for the trimming. Endangered horned owls will make a nest in your best boxer shorts. Personality quirks are not likely to disappear until you do. Have your spleen removed before the prices go up! Kokanee illusions could get you into hot water with the fish and game people.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist
