Under the tree, 2014

(Mañana, Colorado — December 12, 2014)

A semi-splendid roster of sugar-plumbed diversions, frivolous fancies and indentured stocking stuffers aimed at jingling someone’s bells. Most can be had by perusing your favorite cheese and meat catalog, consulting the black market or by simply wishing hard enough. (Editor’s note: If you plan to embrace the third option be sure to bend your knees before engaging full power coordinates.)

POPEYE THE SAILOR ALARM CLOCK – Know someone who needs a few choice words before they’ll get out of bed? The perfect present is the Popeye Clock. Mounted on genuine plastic driftwood this clever time piece uses the language of the sea, or better put the language of the motherless sons of salt, who ride the ancient crest. About an hour before the whistle blows the sleepy headed recipient hears a series of nautical disastrous such as the Titanic, the Bismarck, the destruction of the Spanish Alls, smells rotting cod and gets a light case of the scurvy. At that point Popeye himself starts in with the really filthy language. If anyone can sleep through this cursing they are either near death or have functioned in the substitute teaching roll at the local junior high school. $119.95 at all fine jewelers.

SAGEBRUSH TERRARIUM SET – Know someone who can’t get enough of the high desert? What about this inexpensive, custom-made bit of earth science? Besides over 3 pounds of live Rocky Mountain sagebrush, each terrarium includes struggling pear cactus, flat rocks, deer scat, scrub oak and volunteer piñon trees. Further accessories include hungry magpies, fresh road swill, trailer skirting, discarded beer cans, shell casings, old bait and an occasional arrowhead. Plexiglass exterior promotes solar energy access and wind-driven procrastination switch determines the appropriate seasonings. Wonderful for the classroom or the jail cell. Perfect for people who don’t have time for pets. Cheaper than two pairs of wool socks. $13.99 at Garden of Evens and all For the Love of Ivy Stores.

GREAT NORTH EDIBLE GIFT BASKET – Vacuum packed for freshness this mouth-watering little gem will be consumed before Christmas if creatures are stirring. First we observe a healthy portion of reindeer sausage, embedded with fresh yak cheese and Eskimo pie. Over on the windward side is Caribou mustard and Polar Bear jerky. Underneath the first level the happy holidays are echoed once again with Yurt candy and three full quarts of seal juice. Most baskets offer a redeemable coupon for a year’s worth of walrus tongue, certainly considered a delicacy somewhere. Enough for about $15- $20 postage paid. Igloo Ventures.

JACK DANIELS FLAVORED DENTAL FLOSS The educated consumer may believe that all floss is the same but they are in for a surprise. If your teeth fall out after normal use see your dentist and/or bartender. Not available in parts of Tennessee. On sale everywhere for as little as $8.95 per quart.

BARBIE UNITED NATIONS WEAPONS INSPECTION TEAM – Throw a little Christmas fear in the direction of folks like Saddam Hussein when Ken and Barbie come to town. Simulated chemical weapons testing devices, Barbie desert jeep, two weeks worth of fashionable if not functional dry land outfits. Barbie laser audio makes threats and presents ultimatums (like those spouted in the former Serbian Empire) to anyone who’ll listen. Plane fare included. Accessories include gas masks, laser-guided jewelry, sun glasses, credit cards, prozac supplements, sea rations, hip boots and the 7th Fleet, which is anchored off the coast just in case things get rough. When you’re looking for moral indignity or just some downright suburban fantasy look to Barbie and Ken. Not available in Saudi Aurora or Utah. About $35 at toy stores.

GREATEST EROTIC PERFUME COMMERCIALS – The title says it all. What do wanton lust, white horses, skimpy gowns and hairy chests have to do with aromas often manufactured in New Jersey? We certainly don’t know, but the video is selling like mad. Who buys things like this? Why is there so much of this stink juice sold at Christmas? Just what the hell is going on anyway? $39.99 at Schlockbusters.

“DEAR SOCKS…DEAR BUDDY” – Hillary Clinton’s latest literary contribution tracks her recent difficult days with Bill and the heart-worming advice offered by the White House pets. “Hillary’s bitchiness comes out like fish bones on trash day,” says the Spar City Spartan. “We didn’t know animals had so much to say, even if they’re mixed breeds”, says The American Kennel Club Digest. In two volumes, the book is a quick read. Formatted to fit the average Christmas stocking. $14.95

THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS TIE (Pictured) – Show someone they are trivial, their presence inconsequential, with a long, white box. This ultimate standby present goes quite a bit of the way in saying you are expendable twelve months a year. Simplify your Christmas shopping. Buy ties for everyone and let them fight over the colors. The cheaper the material the more direct the message. Plentiful at Salivation Army Stores, Good Phil’s and Tie Won On in Mañana. Market price.

TUPPERΩWARE UMBRELLA ENSEMBLE – Remote control, indoor-outdoor, water repellent, molded molybdenum handle follows you almost anywhere! Detachable carpet slippers just like the ones worn by General Longstreet at the Battle of Petersburg. Relax: It’s brainless! Tiny navigational screen plots your next step while acoustic wave monitoring system watches for rain clouds on the horizon. Ask yourself: Why wouldn’t I buy something like this? It’s digital. It’s wireless. It’s bilingual. Comes in ceramic, mesh and popular cordon bleu. $329.99

AEROBIC LAUNDRY DEPRESSOR – Sold out. You don’t need to know. Why not buy them a body fat analyzer instead. Self-cleaning litter boxes are nice if a cat is in the picture. $59.99

BARNEY FUNERAL ANNOUNCEMENT KIT – BJ and Baby Bop are in black and Barney is finally dead. Wake attachments for high-strung ethnic neighbors, heated cartoon casket and ashes bucket are only the beginning. Avoid tedious human contact with computerized guest list. home computer. Futuristic technology for everyone but Barney. Embalming Elmo in funeral director’s suit optional. Jello dishes and bland casseroles, brought over by neighbors you’ve never met, available this spring. $56.99

PROPANE-POWERED ACETYLENE NOSE HAIR TRIMMER – Just like the ones they used to employ in the NBA. Operates entirely on propane. Highly magnetic and adjustable. Comes in small, medium, large and industrial sizes. Sugar-free digital ambience creates a sensitive almost melodramatic finale every time you use it.

KINDA NAUGHTY FRENCH CALENDAR – Like the one hanging in the Oval Office. The 2014 calendar offers full-color sultry poses and frontal shots of Charles DeGaulle, Francois Mitterand, Ferdinand Foch, Napolean Bonaparte, Jules Grevy, Jean Casimir Perier, George Clemenceau, Marshal Phillipe Petain and other leading bunglers since Charlemagne. Now you can change months as easy as the French change governments. Sold in all office machine and book stores. $11.95

YO DUDE WALLET SNOWBOARD – Perfect for the snow athlete who’s sick of hauling his board around. Works great for hitchhiking, apres ski and avoiding the local patrol. 100% theft-proof almost. Comes complete with Vegematic fax machine, rectal-implant cell phone and TV channel changer for semi-anal pursuits later in life.