All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Local Preacher Warns of “Diseased Currency”

(Elysian Fields, Colorado – Nov 28, 2014) Local evangelist Leroy Sainte continues to warn residents of this tranquil seaside village about life threatening maladies carried by $50 and $100 bills. The reverend contends that the U.S. currency harbors communicable diseases that are almost always fatal. He suggests that the faithful, and anyone else interested in surviving the fiscal epidemic, hand over the tainted dough to the Blinding Light First Backwards Church before it is too late. The bulk of the collected funds will be stored in the glove compartment of Sainte’s recently purchased Cadillac sedan until an antidote can be developed. Rev. Sainte reminds his flock that the entire experience is tax deductible.

Chimp Kicks 90 Yard Punts

(Nairobi, Kenya, November 28, 2014)) Alfonsie the Chimp is bucking for a spot on an NFL squad this season. The gifted monkey has been booming outrageous punts on both the practice field and in games during his tenure at Primate State, a span of over three years.
Back in 2013, he punted a football all the way across Seychelles, a 451 square kilometer island off the coast of Madagascar. Then just last September he boomed another gargantuan kick halfway across Gambia (10,380 square kilometers). His recent barrage includes punts of 89. 93, 90 and 88 respectively. A walk-on in 2011, he was first considered a place kicker.
“The kid can kick 70-yard field goals pretty consistently,” said trainer Kunta “Little Richard” Wahlahey, “but his punts are tremendous. They have an almost magical quality to them. Ask anyone who has watched Alfonsie and they will tell you.”
Wahlahey added that the chimp’s potential is infinite and that he just got serious about his footwork while playing futbol/soccer as a schoolboy at Swinging Vine Academy in his home country of Tanzania.
“Playing football is way better than living as just another attraction at some zoo or circus,” said Wahlahey, himself a retired high-wire artist. “Traditionally chimps have been limited in scope to these types of employment. I know monkeys and the instinctive bad anger raps, tantrums and destructive tendencies will subside with a fair wage established.”
Alfonsie is entertaining several offers to try out with an assortment of NFL and CFL teams next spring. His size and testy disposition withstanding he’s got a good shot at sticking with someone say experts.
“How the little fella gets that much projection and hang time is beyond football imagination,” continued Wahlahey. “He can boot the ball even farther without shoulder pads and a helmet weighing him down.”
After what promises to be a successful stint as a professional, Alfonsie would like to return to his native Africa to coach American football and wrestling at the high school level. – Sparky Sparrow

Pen Pal Murderer Released

(Special to the San Juan Horseshoe – Nov 28, 2014)
A jury decided in favor of leniency today in the case of Darrel Ducktape, a former convict accused of killing his pen pal. In a unanimous vote the 11 man, 1 woman panel recommended that Ducktape be freed due to “cruel and unusual falsehoods blatantly repeated within an aggravated state of affairs”.
Tears flowed freely in the quartroom as the defendant gave his account of the tragedy.
“I had begun to correspond with Irm (Peawit) in 1989 after she sent me a photograph,” cried Ducktape. “All the time I thought I was writing to this lovely fox, but the picture was really that of her cousin, Molly. When I was paroled I went to Eureka to pay her a surprise visit only to meet the real Irm Peawit who was bald, older than me and 30 pounds overweight. She had lied to me. I lost my head,” he sobbed.
On a lighter note, Molly Peawit and Ducktape, who met during the proceedings, plan December nuptials. -Warren of Wexley

STATE TO JERKY FALL COLORS

Special to Western Colorado newspapers – Nov 28, 2014
(Denver) In an attempt to stretch the dramatic fall colors far into November state officials have implemented a plan to jerky aspen, oak and cottonwood trees still in their splendid state. Already teams of botanists have been busy in an attempt to isolate and expedite the most effective formula for the approved extension.
“First we’ll focus on the aspens since they are far and above the most popular with autumn tourists,” said Melvin Toole who holds a third degree in Popular Venison Culture from Cal Amari. “The oak and cottonwood are far less fragile and we think we can jerky them later in the month and still come up with a hardy supply that may last through Thanksgiving.”
The process of jerking the fall colors involves a lengthy drying process which has been proven to extend the life of other entities such as wild game and the terms of Congressmen. Aspen leaves in particular conform to the rigid properties necessary for the current jerk thinking.
“We have experimented with canning and applied freezing since the Sixties,” says Toole. “What’s important is to harvest the chosen leaves and introduce them to our methods before the natural process takes hold. Rest assured that we have gone to great lengths to protect the birds and fury little animals who call the trees their homes. They have until tomorrow to evacuate.”
Even though leaves and most bark samples are void of nutrition many desperate people tend to eat them come February or March when other supplies have been exhausted. Unlike leaves from tree farms, where an assortment of fertilizer and additives are employed, these wild trees offer supplement-free leaves, roots and bark.
“Many mammals enjoy a diet comprised of mountain vegetation throughout the winter. We plan to test the jerky on herd animals, state prisoners and even fish before the snow falls,” said Toole. “We’ve already turned the bear on to the spicier blends and they liked it…of course they’ll eat anything that one leaves lying around.”
Residents and visitors are asked to stay clear of jerky operations until the end of the month when the Department of the Interior will join state agencies in presenting an open house to further explain their priorities. For a map of the more concentrated jerky operations contact the gov’ment agency of your choice.
– Small Mouth Bess

Lease -A-Liver Opens in Delta

(Just for laughs? – Nov 28, 2014)
A spanking new business has opened its doors in downtown Delta at the former site of Ed’s Beds on Main Street. It’s Mel’s Lease-A-Liver! Although the ribbon cutting is not slated until November, the facility will begin taking applications for its services this week.
Strictly leasing and not renting these imperative, curious glands, the innovative service seeks to offset liver damage caused by any number of abuses.
“We are prepared to lease a customer a new or used liver for up to six months with a one month minimum,” said owner-operator, Melvin Toole. “When a client comes to our offices he chooses one of a dozen livers hanging from the ceiling. If he finds one that fits, he leaves his own liver as collateral, pays a deposit and signs an agreement saying he is responsible for its safe return.”
Toole said most people couldn’t destroy a healthy liver in six months, although some have tried and a few have succeeded. Alcohol abuse is the number one culprit although other factors, such as regular prescription drug use and simple aspirin can do irreparable damage.
Since 2009 Toole has been performing liver transplants in his dark, shoddy office underneath Maybell’s Bar on the river. Many locals see him as a witch or warlock but he says he’s just a regular guy trying to make a buck.
“We aim to undress every possible aspect of the classic metabolic process,” smiled Toole. “We have had much success with parallel treatment of blood flow disorders using maggots and leeches to do the real work.”
Only a few centuries back the leeching process was a principle means of dealing with an array of maladies and avoiding such final verdicts such as amputation, osteoarthritis and long drawn-out diagnosis leading nowhere.
“It was in vogue back in the 1800s,” smiled Toole. “In those days the gland supposed to be a seat of love and violent behavior. How far we’ve come.” – Muffy Hollandaise

Fur to play CB

(Crested Butte, CO – Nov 28, 2014) The controversial rock opera “Fur” will travel to Crested Butte in late December where it will play for four nights at the Center for the Arts. The socio-political drama, based on the radial street theater of the 60s, features tidbits from every social phenomenon common with that period of readjustment. But there’s no need to worry, anarchism will not get you since everything has returned to a safe and sterile 3.2 status in the United States of the 21st Century.
The play features naked animals, engaged in obscene dances and frivolous song,” said the Almont Pilot.
“Fur” is a banal portrayal of the free spirited life in the pumped up Sixties by people who have only been around since the Eighties,” said the Pilot. “It should be banned from the county at least until the tourists go home.”
The plot, if any exists, involves the plight of the hero, Smokey Bear, who, after ingesting a healthy dose of marijuana, attacks and eats three ditch whale snaggers near Yellowstoned Park. The action then shifts to a Brooklyn tenement house, a Hell’s Angels’ pancake breakfast, and finally to Nancy and Ronald Reagan’s second Inauguration in 1984.
One noted critic, who spoke on the condition that he would not be quoted, told the Horseshoe “Fur was recognized as a classic in muffled dialogue and lighting intertwined with the cutting edge use of minimal props and audience participation.”
 He has seen the play over 200 times in three years saying it was the best thing to come out of the animal kingdom since Cheetah.
Fur will be presented at Kochevars Ballroom on December 28 and 29 and at the Talk of the Town’s Little Theater on the 30 and 31.
– Harvey Birdseed

Famous quotes from the Ancient One:
“Nihil et bene cum trae sul vestra stricta!”
Translation: “Nothing goes right when your underwear’s too tight.”
“Primum wienorum”
Translation: “First among weenies.”