YULESCOPE

(Silverton Star Gazers Report – December 12, 2014)

Attention Star Gazer Types: When ordering from the following cosmic menu please do so only by adjoining number. No substitutions. Parties of ten or more will be charged a 15% gratuity fee if they look like deadbeats. Remember: It is illegal to move around a Utah restaurant with a cocktail in your hand but, in most cases, you are in Colorado, so it’s OK. Persons under18 and over 65 qualify for a 25% discount but must include the ability to display color-coordinated underwear in their repertoire

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Winter is here. How about a nice root canal to go with it? There will be great relief from the frustrations associated with shorter daylight hours, as television bowling is about to hit prime time. Weekends will be full, Diversions from the work/school could include experimentation with potato vodka. Your kid has been named Most Valuable Player on his charm school football team. Your dog is at risk. A few hours spent on housebreaking techniques could save the rug and give both of you a strong sense of accomplishment.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – January 21)
In order to succeed today, you must have the courage of your convictions, even though most are classified as misdemeanors. If you have no convictions, borrow some from a friend. If you really believe in something, don’t let the facts cloud your mind. Jump in with two or three feet. Things should proceed quite well this month just as long as you do not meddle in your own affairs. The key to enjoying the great outdoors is spending more time indoors. Consolidate copper finances. It’s a start.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22 – Feb. 19)
Victory may have its cost, but over the long haul it is always cheaper than defeat. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem making decisions today if you simply ignore all possible options. Your chart indicates that rewards are on the way, but it also indicates that you are prime for a collision with a small panel truck. It will become quite difficult to follow your instincts while attempting to lead. Store all holiday fruitcake carefully. After a few months fermenting, it could give you a welcome buzz, come February.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Today is a good time to write letters. Try with the vowels first and move into the consonants when you are ready. Crayons are a girl’s best friend but a pen and pencil set makes a better Christmas present. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Someone very close to you may not be as perceptive or resourceful as you are. Go for the throat and you will no doubt come out with prize scalps. Overcome your self-doubt with the realization that much comfort comes by embracing general incompetence. Your fly is open.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
That big, red nose will make it tough to get away with little white lies today. Experiment with half-truths in small doses. When dealing with your emotions or a side dish of reality, stick to the children’s portions. You are in a cycle demanding careful management of your resources. Add bleach. Keep one eye on the stock market and the other two on your piggy bank. Avoid the temptation to showboat while dumpster diving. Nobody likes grandstanding, with the possible exception of rats.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll never find a sugar daddy (or momma) with that sour look on your face. If we get to heaven on the arms of people we’ve helped, do we go to hell riding on the asses we’ve kicked? Warmer relationships are a sure thing this month especially if you spend it in Mexico. Initiate romance by brushing your teeth. While potentially harmful, erratic behavior is better than no behavior at all. Memorize the numbers and letters on your license plate. These combinations hold the future!

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Obsessive concern over trendy fashion could be your downfall. Try wearing whatever clothes you find on the floor each morning. Exude apathy and people will notice your outfit. Understanding the complexities of the modern world may require an occasional glance beyond your proboscis. Avoid split pea soup with dangling participles and tip big through the 26th. 1996 was a great year to diet. Using adjectives that one does not understand will ultimately lead to adverbial abuse from peers.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Buckle under pressure. Sure, it can be embarrassing but it beats raising expectations. Be patient with your worst enemy today, since he is the only one who still talks to you. Count to 10 before reacting to a conflict. If this is too much mental strain, try counting to 9 or 8. How can a lover expect you to make a commitment when you can’t even make the bed? Attempts to control your own destiny may fall short today. Instead, let fate roll the dice, but only if it has the hot hand. Shooting first and asking questions later might alleviate a lot of useless chatter but may generate problems in the legal arena. Pay all Bills. Anyone named John, Mary or Bob can just wait.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck this month. Avoid metal objects larger than the plate in your head. Cupid may be sitting on your shoulder this month. Check for stains. Fantasies and realities blend well at this time but so do rum and coconuts. Winning isn’t everything. There’s always losing. Be careful what you say this month, since someone might actually be listening. Your ability to do nothing for long periods of time is astounding to tree sloths. Stay upwind from department store Santas.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A positive philosophical attitude and outlook should help you rationalize almost anything through the month. May and June look good for you, but until then the best approach is to hang out. It’s amazing what a little dry wall and carpet can do for your rock. Breaking a sweat may be better than breaking the scale. Take house plants for a long walk. Grab the offensive this month by scrutinizing others before they scrutinize you. Don’t burn bridges at both ends this holiday season. Libido flows everywhere. Invest in a sturdy mop and bucket ensemble.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
Join a peer group sometime soon. Avoid redneck elves with opinions up their sleeves. Santa Claus is real, but you are not. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating or drinking your limit. Don’t you think it’s high time you got physical with knickknacks? Driving through a red light is better than stopping for a green one. Hate Christmas? So did Joe Stalin. Jesus was a Capricorn. You are a worthless Libra. Tonight: Take a bath with your livestock.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Your prospects for financial gain are excellent if you simply dress the part. A ski mask is essential, as well as subtle jewelry, light makeup, sensible footwear and a tasteful handbag. Don’t count you chickens before the cows come home to roost or something. Imitate the proud jackass. He has somehow ascended your family tree which is now prime for the trimming. Endangered horned owls will make a nest in your best boxer shorts. Personality quirks are not likely to disappear until you do. Have your spleen removed before the prices go up! Kokanee illusions could get you into hot water with the fish and game people.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist