All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
One of the finest chicken joints in Bogota?
Popular eatery in Bogota, Colombia
(Photo by David Mullings-Used without permission)
Editor to attempt jump
(Kinikin Heights — February 25, 2015) A former high-wire great, turned copy editor at this very newspaper, will attempt to hurdle the Black Canyon of the Gunnison in a 1984 Honda 250 grocery cart it was disclosed by the special events department this morning.
Fellow scribes at the San Juan Horseshoe say Melvin O’Toole, of the Maher O’Tooles was coerced into the stunt by radicals in the advertising department that insist the performance will prop up dwindling sales before the holidays.
O’Toole appeared rattled at the follow-up press conference held on the porch at the Coffee Trader in nearby Montrose. He did not answer questions and had what close friends called “a far-away look in his blood-shot eyes”.
Readers may recall O’Toole’s attempted leap in a cardboard crate back in 2002, which resulted in thee months of hospitalization, and another six in physical therapy.
When asked why he would engage in such self-destructive conduct Toole muttered something about job security before ambling off into the cedars.
Congress Forced to Meet in Europe
UNESCO Special to the Horseshoe – February 25, 2015
In an effort to comply with the Gramm-Rudman Act of 1985, the 2015 United States Congress has agreed to hold all future fiscal sessions at an undisclosed spot in Northern Europe, or maybe Southern Africa. The act, aimed at reeling in rampant spending, has been in force for 30 years. The finger pointing Congress, awash in partisan bickering has been unable to concentrate on the issues in Washington where opinion polls and lobbyists have them sidetracked from noon till night.
It is hoped that the lawmakers can get down to business out of the limelight.
“Since so many legislators are either out campaigning or on fact finding vacations abroad they don’t really need to be in Washington for a shadow appearance, paying lip service to constituencies,” offered Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) sponsor of a bill that calls for the relocation.
Surprise..Surprise! The measure passed on the first vote like a double-shot of prune juice in the House chambers. Congressmen voted unanimously to give themselves another vacation, and they also passed a bill that authorizes a cost of living increase.
One freshman senator from Wyoming or Montana was thrilled with the news saying he’s never been out of the country and couldn’t wait to see Europe, or even Africa. Another representative from Rhode Island equated the development with joining an elite, high roller’s Peace Corps.
The only snag appears to be the reluctance of Allied governments who may not want the Americans there taking up their courts and chambers. One possible swap is in the works where Congress has use of the British Parliament, in exchange for the occupation of the U.S. Capitol by Brits during the Cherry Blossom time in D.C.
It was not disclosed if elected participants would have the use of their counterpart’s jets, limos, hairstylists or extramarital companions. Nothing was said of towels or linens either. Insiders say the continued NFL matches played at Wembley Stadium may help smooth out the proposed switch.
Meanwhile host of Southeast Asian nations voiced distrust of the arrangement saying they would like to be included in what looks like a golden opportunity for getting paid for doing nothing. – Dirty Sally
Sell Black Canyon, Buy Suspension Bridge Says Local Man
(Montrose — February 25, 2015) Political activist and executive director of executive directorships executive, Melvin O’Toole, told an attentive audience at Wake Up Montrose that the city should sell the Black Canyon of the Gunnison to the highest bidder and purchase a state-of-the-art suspension bridge with the profits.
The bridge, which O’Toole says could be bought or built, would span an area from South 5th Street to Chipeta Lake by autumn.
“Progressive cities all over the world feature suspension bridges on their tourist brochures,” said O’Toole. “A suspension bridge would attract a strong cross-section of retirees from Orange County and meth addicts from the Confront Range. Then we’d really have something here.”
O’Toole was instrumental in bringing the first pigeons to Montrose in 1976 and lobbied heavily for a snow shed at Main and Townsend as well as a tasteless shopping center south of town.
“We got one of the two,” smiled O’Toole, who did not seem to grasp the loss of beautiful pastureland in exchange for a Target store and a lot of asphalt where cows and horses used to graze.
“Once the bridge is installed someone is bound to build a river underneath it,” said the speaker. “Think of all the jobs that would mean.”
O’Toole did not respond when remind that the Black Canyon was now a National Park and the property of the federal gov’ment.
As the presentation ended, he received a warm applause and reception from the three persons in attendance that had not fallen headfirst into their oatmeal. – Signelle de Bushe
The wonderful world of insects and spiders
Another informative submission from THE NATIONAL BUG — FEB. 25, 2015
Interesting anecdotes and strong indications that the
human race is not the only inferior species on the planet
Ants keep slaves. Certain species, the so-called sanguinary ants in particular, raid the nests of other ant tribes, kill the queen and kidnap many of the workers. The workers are then brought back to the captor’s hive where they are coerced into performing demeaning and trivial tasks, often for less than minimum wage.
Termites are not related to ants. They are part of the cockroach family and damn proud of it.
A house fly usually lives in Colorado for two weeks then flies back home to go back to work only to return for a week during ski season.
Only the female bees work. Males remain in the hives watching football and drinking bad lite beer. Their only true mission in life is to fertilize the queen on her maiden flight (debutante ball, coming out party, quinceaneras, etc.) For this sole purpose, literally thousands of males are hatched, out of which one or two of them actually mate with the queen. Sound familiar? After they have served their function, the males are never again allowed back into the hive and must sleep on the couch for the rest of their relatively condensed, albeit honey-proned and buzzing, lifetime.
Cockroaches have lived on the planet for 250 million years without ever changing their underwear.
There are more beetles on Earth than any other living creatures, with the exception of bad sports commentators and munitions lobbyists.
Only the female mosquito bites. The male considers this to be the mark of a sissy and prefers to box with its prey. The male is squashed with the same regularity as the female even though he is harmless.
If one places a minimal amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. This is one of the reasons one does not observe these arachnids hanging out in bars. If you intend to try this experiment we prefer you utilize cheap booze and not waste anything good on these miserable bastards.
A cockroach can live for several weeks with its head cut off. Many humans live for 80 years or more with no brains in the head that they maintain.
The bombardier beetle, after digesting a bean burrito, defends itself by emitting a series of explosions, not unlike a World War I gas attack. The successive noises sound a lot like miniature shotgun poof and are accompanied by a cloud of reddish-colored, vile smelling fluid. It is recommended that one avoids elevator rides with these flatulent terrestrials.
Bees have five eyes. There are three small eyes on the top of the bees’ head and two large ones in front. The creatures see you very well and know who swatted at them and who chilled out when they buzzed. If bees counted cards, they might be able to make a killing at the casino.
– Sammy Spiderhausen
