All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Ed Heads Commemorate Hero’s Passing

(Special from Crested Butte Bridal and Equestrian – March 25, 2015)
At least 400 of this town’s estimated 700 practicing Ed Heads turned out for a solemn procession today to mark the 35th anniversary of the death of Mr. Ed. A horse is a horse of course, of course but now the stable is empty.
All will miss the loveable, talking gelding. The cause of death, as reported in 1979, was mumps, which rarely affects horses. Attending physicians had expressed faith in an experimental drug that might have corrected the misguided vocal cords and ease pressure on the solid-hoof interface gallop mode that likely caused the animal’s demise.
Ed is survived by his caretakers, Wilbur and Carol, and a host of pretty ponies from Hollywood to Holyoke. He will always be remembered for his confident, bellowing voice and his phone skills. His romances with such starlets as Black Beauty, (National) Velvet and the Tennessee Mare were the talk of the corral for decades.
The memorial procession is slated to start at the Eldo, go to the Talk of the Town (one of Mr. Ed’s favorites when he was in town) then culminate at Kochevar’s Ballroom for an intimate dinner of oats and hay.
Ed could not be buried at the Crested Butte Cemetery because he was too big.
In one last attempt to honor the fallen hero KBUT will refrain from running old Mr. Ed episodes until at least the weekend. Anyone wishing to purchase drinks for Mr. Ed or any of the Ed Heads should just show up. Persons seeking Mr. Ed memorabilia should talk to any local retailer.
– Fred Zeppelin

Tonto Quits

(TANTO TEMPO, MARCH 25, 2015)
The renowned crime fighting duo, (and particularly popular local heroes) the Lone Ranger and Tonto are calling it curtains after almost a century riding together.
Tonto, the generally trusted Native American friend of the Lone Ranger, aka Masked Man, was reportedly the one who initiated the split. The famed side-kick will be leaving the team to open a national fast food franchise called Kimosabe’s, another poorly ventilated, bad pizza and beer joint.
Already saddle chatter indicates that there may be legal conflicts over the use of the name Kimosabe since it was copyrighted in the names of both of the crime fighting characters in 1940. Attorneys for the Lone Ranger did not return calls.
Meanwhile the Masked Man has vowed to march on. He is currently accepting resumes and conducting high-powered interviews in an attempt to fill the vacancy created by the buckskinned Tonto, a name which can often mean dummy or stupid in Spanish. Since Tonto is a minority, the Ranger has elected to choose a new companion/backup from a host of such groups.
“I am going to have to put a lot of thought into this,” said the Masked Man. “Fans are quite used to The Lone Ranger and Tonto. You know…it has a certain ring to it. I will just have to continue the search until I find a person with the right sounding name.”
Applicants should be “submissive yet brave, attentive yet private, poker faced yet expressive,” according to the Ranger. “Flashy dressers will not be considered for the post and culinary skills are a plus.”
The dilemma is overwhelming. So far the Masked Man has come up with “The Lone Ranger and O’Leary”, “The Lone Ranger and Moskowitz”, “The Lone Ranger and Wang”, “The Lone Ranger and Washington”, “The Lone Range and Ms. Wilkens” and “The Lone Ranger and Martinez”.
Any interested parties should email the Lone Ranger: silverand away@hihoranch.

Local Man Claims World is Round

(Geometrical-Metaphysics – Montrose, Colorado – March 25, 2015)
A 49-year-old Montrose resident is still missing after rocking the boat in this land-locked pea-port, by suggesting that the world is round. Insisting that the earth is not flat, Melvin Toole, a semi-retired utensil designer, originally from Paraguay, drew the ire of many pitchfork town folk here.
Many people cling to old beliefs, especially those that clearly discourage thinking or physical exercise.
Slamming theories that have circulated since Otto Mears built his first toll road, Toole made public his rambling hypothesis at a Wake Up Montrose breakfast held at Riverbottom Park last Tuesday. While many in the audience cheered, many stormed out of the park mumbling about blasphemy, witchcraft and paganism. Still others fell asleep in their picnic omelets.
Toole went on to describe the earth as a sphere that orbits around the sun the primary star in our galaxy. He disregarded the flatness theory stressing that “If the world was flat how did the Indians ever get to India, or Indiana for that matter?
“Earth evolved much like its future renters (inhabitants) and that these facts in no way conflict with Creationist teachings on the subject. If we could all just get along and realize we are all in this together we might be kilometers ahead.”
Toole concluded the three-hour lecture with a rousing rendition of “I’ll Be Around” then sped off in his chauffeur-driven surrey. His destination was never clear but followers say he had another non-speaking engagement with a fallen angel near the old coal stove in Ouray.
He never materialized and was reported missing the next morning. Police are taking a precautious approach so as not to concern themselves or others. Many privately say they hope another existentialist shows up in his place.
One citizen, who preferred to remain anonymous, since he was presumably anonymous in the first place, said that Toole had wandered too close to the edge of the earth and simply fell off.
Another thought he was probably pushed. – Muriel Axelrod

Guilt Allotment Reaches Crested Butte

(Elk Mountain Report – March 25, 2015)
Crested butte’s semi-monthly allocation of prime grade guilt arrived here this afternoon, two days behind schedule, but much to the relief of needy citizens. Many say they were just days from depletion of September’s historic airdrop, part of which was hauled away upon impact by local black bear.
The cargo, hauled in from the Confront Range was poured out all over the town’s major intersections and lapped up under the close scrutiny of all sorts of morality brokers.
Reporter Melvin Toole, of the now defunct Baldwin Beekeeper saw it this way:
“There they were, the guiltless, the flirtatious, the wickedly happy assembled sans buckets at the onus froth to receive their due. Have I detected a smile, a frown, any emotion at all?
“The rickety carts, now freed of their unholy loads, stood motionless at the end of the pavement,” he continued, “their drivers arrogantly spitting and rolling cigarettes while doling out careful quotas of heavy blame and overripe culpability from large plastic garbage cans.”
A spokesperson for the Jokerville Guilt Guild confirmed reports that although funding was still frozen, the government would pick up the tab for this month’s shipment.
“The cost of transporting mass quantities of guilt from the urban centers to so many Hootervilles has risen sharply since the inception of the program in 1985,” explained Emily Marmotbreath of Irwin, Executive Director of Rocks and Pieces of Kindling, the parent non-profit of the guild.
“The demand has remained much the same with some citizens ignoring the program altogether, probably because of pride or ignorance,” she added. “According to many of our eloquent institutions humans cannot live without a minimal application of guilt. The guild simply seeks to maintain a level compatible with churches, schools, gov’ment and social standing within the community.
Supporters of the program go to great lengths to credit the guilt drops for the dramatic rise in casual celibacy and a decrease in narcotics use during the week. A final measure, to be hashed out by the Colorado House, will then be nailed on neighborhood doors from Cortez to Burlington by Friday.
“A society at peace with itself can not flourish,” said Syd Fahrt, a leading proponent. “It is the ultimate powder keg. Guilt holds the inside track in the much-desired “redeeming value” category. Until we come up with an effective substitute guilt is what we have and what we will employ.”
Fahrt then went on to blame President Obama and all people of color for what he called “a failure to adopt sufficient guilt trips in their daily lives.
“Just look at those Blacks and Latinos out there having fun while the white folks sit at home guilty about not mowing the lawn or putting money into the collection plate. It is quite pathetic,” he mused.
Critics point to the rampant abuses that have raised more than one eyebrow in the Senate. Even though most agree that society would fall apart without guilt they contend that the present programs are expensive, ineffective, discriminatory and dull. Slow-moving guilt wagons on the highway and their often surly and abusive drivers on Colorado’s high passes.
“We support aerial spraying and/or the introduction of safe levels directly into the food and water supply,” added Marmotbreath, who is also the Executive Director of Airplanes and Syringes in Western Colorado.
The aerial method, dubbed crop duster zero by jokesters over at the Council of Christians and Jews has come under heavy bombardment by Libertarians and ecological lobbies who fear the spraying will adversely affect voter behavior and quite possibly kill off the local magpie population creating an overabundance of bad guilt. Up until now guilt-free voters slept through Election Day and magpies cleaned the highways exhibiting no outward signs of guilt, overtaking even vultures and slugs in that ranking.
Residents of Gunnison County and holders of a condo key are entitled to 350 grams of guilt per day until May 15 when unused piles of guilt will be swept up and ignited. The ash is then sent to the former Soviet Union where it might do some good in a more primitive form.
The next scheduled stop for the guilt procession is Gothic where in November partisans blocked the road and sniped at the guilt peddlers, wounding three. This time around the guilt carts will be escorted by idle Colorado State snowplows. Air support will be provided by the Saudi Air Force Marching Band. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Game Crossing Signs Confuse Game

(Montrose – March 25, 2015) The plethora of warning signs strategically placed on local highways this winter by the Colorado Division of Transportation has resulted in mass confusion among the deer and elk population.
Many of the herd animals, wards of the state, are simply confused as to what is appropriate action while other resent the uniformity as an invasion of privacy. All agree that things were fine in the past, and that the meddling of C-DOT has only made matters worse.
“The deer and elk are hesitant to cross the highways anywhere due to blinking lights that distract them and uneasiness as to just what constitutes a legitimate game crossing,” said Slim Pudge, a born again taxidermist who now works as a missionary among the herds. “The signs are no more than visual pollution and have no redeeming value since deer and elk cannot read.”
Pudge is convinced that the situation will continue to deteriorate and reach an apex when the bears wake up.
“The bruins will never go for this,” he spat.
The state had little comment on the matter preferring to ignore criticism and concentrate on a much maligned study aimed at determining if herd animals purposely jump out in front of moving vehicles or if eating sagebrush is really that much fun.

FISH GET NEEDED BREATHER

(Ridgway-March 25, 2015) Local trout, who have enjoyed the time off over the past month due to the holidays, are ready to get back to work Monday.
“The reservoir is starting to thaw and we expect the ice fishermen to stop fishing for us any day now,” said Ken Kokanee of Colona. “We look this season much like a hockey game. The only difference is that there’s a hole in the ice and half of the participants use fishing poles instead of hockey sticks. Also,” Kokanee spouted, “there’s no puck!”

MATH CORONER

If Governor Hickenloper would have spent his campaign funds on beer instead of all that annoying television advertising this year, how many of the beverages would have been bought for each American over 21 years of age? Would he have gained a larger percentage of the popular vote this way? How would this have affected the electoral college in terms of square roots and all that? Is a gubernatorial candidate expected to provide snacks too?
Write your answers on a bar napkin and send to Math Coroner, Gonad Gazette, Pea Green, Colorado. The first person to answer these gnawing questions correctly will be bitten by a member of our kitchen staff. In case of tie, all winners will be encouraged to run for elected office in 2016.