Innovative Insurance Firm Offers New Products

(Montrose, CO — Usury Bulletin — January 22, 2016)

Since its inception in the 19th Century, the benevolent insurance industry has been busy convincing us to purchase life insurance, health insurance, automobile insurance, fire insurance, business insurance, home insurance, renter’s insurance and several that we cannot remember but probably could buy.

But now a Montrose insurance group, the generically named Consolidated Consolidators, is offering a more expanded field in paranoid packages that are, in the words of a recent brochure “in tune with the 21st Century.”

Here is a partial list hat offers overlapping and secure coverage.

SNOW INSURANCE – If a party is in the recreation racket and depends on the weather for his livelihood he’d be a fool to pass on this one. A popular policy pays for 3 months vacation in Caribbean in the event of a winter drought.

SOCIAL INSURANCE – Having trouble with the dating wilderness? This policy pays out a small dividend if you’re stuck at home on Saturday night. Getting a little too social. Consolidated has a social “health” plan for everyone.

NUCLEAR INSURANCE – In the event of a direct hit this company claims it will rebuild your home and cover losses to cars, real estate and livestock. After the radiation subsides it will all come back like new. A rider policy embraces the theory of a winnable nuclear conflict. Space travel optional.

INSURANCE INSURANCE – Buy this super baby and gain protection from the lack of any insurance imaginable. Perfect for the disoriented individual who prefers to write one check instead of many. This is the insurance for persons who love to buy coverage and is overburdened with a plethora of intangible assets.

ETERNAL SALVATION INSURANCE – Pay now – pray later. This judgmental, holier-than-thou policy includes transfers and tips. Meals not included. Rates based on double occupancy. Why be good when you can buy eternal peace of mind? Void where prohibited by superstition.

FAST FOOD INSURANCE – If you choke on a McBone Consolidated will Mcbury you and see to it that the kids get a McMonthly trust if you have the funds. Supplemental coverage for Burger Thing, Taco Hell and the lesser grease gods.

VEGETABLE GARDEN INSURANCE – If one forgets to water or falls victim to grasshoppers, this policy extends a seasonal credit at farmer’s markets and small groceries to cover the loss of perishables. Summer only. Seed extra.

HANGOVER INSURANCE – Pays up to 80% of any cure, doctor visit or hair of the dog. Physical examination may be required prior to activation. No regular smokers will be accepted. Perfect for the amateur abuser. Sleep well.

– Gabby Haze