All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Cloning Batman Big Mistake says Boy Wonder
(Red Mountain Pass — Aviation Today — January 20, 2016)
Plans to clone super hero, Batman (no last name given) would be a mistake of grand proportions according to his longtime crime-fighting partner. Dressed in provocative tights and a tasteful black mask, Robin, who ran with Batman for decades, says his retired boss is a megalomaniac.
Citing episodes of power abuse and interference with the authorities, Robin says Batman harbors vendettas against several adversaries, specifically a man called The Joker and a former ally, named the Green Hornet. The Joker is reportedly living in a retirement community in Arizona while the Green Hornet is busy working on his memoirs at a secret location on Miller Mesa.
“Both of these now model citizens have complained of harassment and outright threats from Batman. Cloning him would only make matters twice as bad,” explained Robin tugging at his cape.
The cave dwelling bounder, not to be confused with batman, an orderly of a British army officer, has agreed to the cloning operation in return for a general amnesty. Batman has been connected to violent vigilante action dating back to the Fifties. Case after case of documented evidence links the super hero with over-the-head obstruction of justice.
“He took matters into his own hands,” said Robin. “He often dispensed punishment on the spot with little consideration for the rights of the criminal element…Zap…Bam…Zow…Whack! I know. I was there.”
Robin, who is currently vice president of a Confront Range self-help company that manufactures MSG suppositories, admitted that he lives in fear of reprisals by his former partner.
“The man is out of control, prone to hallucinations and as hyper as a hummingbird,” continued the Boy Wonder. “You’d think he’d do something constructive in his golden years…like take up golf or bingo, but he’s too arrogant.”
Offers to join both the Montrose and Gunnison police departments were rejected by the Winged Warrior on the grounds of uniform and transportation conflicts.
A local civic group, formed to reconsider the pros and cons of the proposed cloning will meet Tuesday to consider the question: Do we really need two Batmans? The session is open to the public. Bring a covered fish.
– Susie Compost
Written Language May Have Existed As Early As 1955
(Santa Barbara, CA — January 19, 2016)
Brittle tablets discovered in the backseat of a Mercury Montclair convertible here have forced scientists to rethink current theories regarding the origin of a written language in the Western Hemisphere.
The “ancient” tablets , generously endowed with duck-tail hieroglyphics and emblazoned with a stark Big Chief Mark of the Ages were signed, perhaps by a tribal chieftain or medicine man say anthropologists.
“The halting signatures all match and after through examination the littles form the name Little Richard,”said Dr. Norman Normal of Cal Amari’s quasi-astute Department of Small Talk and Meaningless Rants. “We do not know any more at this time.
One of the more interesting pictographs etched onto the dashboard of the Mercury depicts the tumultuous relationship between a supposed king, named Ward and his queen named June. The two are up and down in love but both could, it seems, write a compound sentence and were familiar with diphthongs and primitive innuendo.
“The most startling drawing exposes the two with several male off-spring monkeying with a hood latch of some kind of transportation device. Ward is instructing. He is smiling. He has fixed the problem like always,” cried Normal. “What else could this mean?”
Scientists are at odds as to any further literal translation of this Little Richard’s grim forecast for the auto industry although many feel it is a warning that a corpulent and wasteful society would rise and fall “before the generic automobile would reign…this time for 400 years.”
“What else could it mean?” echoed Normal.
The remaining six tablets turn away from mechanics altogether, preoccupied with Tutti-Frutti, believed to be the Lesser Goddess of the Automatic Choke and Patron of Worthless Glove Compartment Manuals.
– Gabby Haze
EEUU Fuera de bombas
(Cheyenne Mountain Refried Noticias 28 de enero 2016)
En un comunicado de prensa sorprendente y un tanto embarazosa, la gov’ment Estados Unidos anunció hoy que está fuera de bombas. Aunque nadie en la compra ha asumido la responsabilidad por el agotamiento de dicho armamento, la supervisión inexcusable ha sido clasificado como nivel uno Violación de la seguridad (Código de color oficial no disponible) y se verá seriamente investigado por los burócratas de pie alrededor con sus manos en sus bolsillos.
Fuentes de NORAD dicen que la metedura de pata no estaba vinculado a la actividad terrorista.
“Las cabezas rodarán,” tartamudeó un funcionario que lleva un sombrero azul brillante designar una posición superior en la cadena de mando.
En la actualidad, la escasez se ha acumulado a errores del operador que es un buen presagio desfavorable a las otras jerarquías participan en la fabricación, el almacenamiento y la entrega de los inventarios arsenal de todo el mundo.
“Es evidente que alguien ha dejado de comunicarse o para llenar un formulario de pedido simple”, dijo el sombrero azul.
Otro jefe, éste con el sombrero verde, culpó a la gente en los sombreros rojos abajo en la producción y los sombreros amarillos en el envío. El sombrero azul no le hizo gracia por este fallecimiento dinero y se preguntó en voz alta que otra cosa no estaba prestando suficiente atención a las cuestiones de las armas de destrucción masiva.
“No estamos jugando a las canicas aquí”, bromeó el sombrero azul. “Alguien está en agua caliente y vamos a llegar al fondo de la falla grave en el sistema de seguridad”, dijo. “Tenemos que saber hasta qué punto estos errores de cálculo se extienden y que no está dando seguimiento a los procedimientos.”
Funcionarios NORAD admitieron que la gov’emt ha estado cayendo bombas “a un ritmo frenético” en los grupos radicales en Irak y Siria, y que las reservas corren el riesgo de agotamiento. Las estimaciones sugieren que una bomba ha caído por cada 3 luchadores ISIS sobre el terreno con resultados poco brillantes.
“Este un desglose de seguridad más grave que toda la piratería y la mensajería sin ser detectado entre los grupos terroristas desde el comienzo de la guerra civil de Siria”, dijo la fuente. “Hemos tenido algunas personas fuera de vacaciones, pero esto es ridículo.”
– Susie Compost
Pen Pal Asesino de Lanzamiento
(Mancos – San Quentin Alumni Informe – 29 de enero de 2015)
Un jurado ha votado a favor de la clemencia en el caso de Daryl Ducktape, un ex convicto aquí, acusado de asesinar a su amigo por correspondencia hace unos veinte años. La decisión unánime recomienda que el prisionero sea liberado inmediatamente. Las lágrimas fluyeron libremente en la sala del tribunal concurrido como el acusado dio su relato de la tragedia.
“Empecé correspondiente con Sara Peawit mientras que en la cárcel en 1979 después de recibir una fotografía sensual”, dijo Ducktape. “Todo el tiempo pensé que estaba escribiendo a esta hermosa mujer, pero la imagen era realmente la de su primo, Molly. Después de mi libertad condicional fui a Hermosa sorprenderla y conocí la verdadera Sara, cuyo rostro podía dejar fácilmente un reloj de arena. Claro, yo perdí la cabeza. La aparté y ella se cayó “, sollozó.
Molly Peawit y Ducktape, quien finalmente se reunió durante el procedimiento, planean una boda de enero en Dolores. – Sparky Flambeada
I will cut your house in half
Bulletins — January 15, 2016
I will cut your house in half for half price. Now you have a duplex! Rex’s Renovations and Restorations. Homes, motorcycles and more. 970-210-3800.
Local attorneys will offer free legal advice from 9:11 am to 9:14 am every other Tuesday unless it rains or is cancelled. This complimentary service is sponsored by the Wyoming Bar Association, distillers of fine liquors and assorted aqueus solutions for the teeth and the tummy. Apertifs, cordials and potions. Established just moments before the storming of the Bastille.
(Martin Luther King Day January 18, 2016)
There are notably few soul food restaurants in Montrose or on the Western Slope in general. Now here is virgin territory for someone good with ribs, beans and greens.
