All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Dinosaur Bones Found in Tavern Sink

(Special from The Crested Butte Fossil and Relic – February , 2016)

The skeleton of what scientists believe to be a dwarf stegosaurus was found in a back-up bar sink by patrons searching for large martini olives here yesterday. The mysterious bones, excavated at the now extinct Frank and Gal’s, have been called one of the most important archeological finds by paleontologists since the discovery of a giant spinal column of a rare Dark Canyon Brontosaurus at the Toke of the Town Tavern in May.

On-site Triassic experts, many of them dinosaurs in their own right, are on loan from the Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Institute at Gothic.

The bones are considered to be an essential and intrinsic piece in the genetic jigsaw puzzle that could someday determine the validity of leading theories on human evolution. Luckily the newest dinosaur carcass was safely removed from the sink by and delivered to a safe research lab at Western State Colorado University.

Attempts by this newspaper to interview customers at the bar failed since patrons were engrossed in a Broncos’ game and did not notice the detour from the normal routine.
– Fred Zeppelin

 “The big loser (in the recent GOP “debate”) was participatory democracy all the way back through history to Pericles…I have heard more coherent dialogue from cats mating in an alley.”  –  Charles Pierce, Esquire Magazine.

Russian Defector Likes Western Slope

(Montrose — Streets of Minsk — February    2016)

Kaslov Yowski has been in town for just a week but already he has learned to speak passable English, found employment and opened a bank account. The “defector”, a former opposition leader in Russia, saw the writing on the wall after the Ukraine fiasco and the Crimean occupation (?)

After threatening to release photos of several KGB agents with livestock, Yowski flew took advantage of the impending confusion and flew to Kiev where he was welcomed as a hero. Then, wearing nothing but his winter fatigues, he stowed away in a Swedish freighter carrying Volvos to the United States.

“He wanted to get as far away from Russia as possible,” said sponsor Marlena Ethabarron. “He gets along well with other people.”

Etchabarron, a retired sloth wrestler from Miami, said Yowski had hoped to meet real cowboys like Ronald Reagan and Roy Rogers when he arrived in America.

“He didn’t know they were both departed,” smiled Etchabaron. “News travels slow in some circles.”

That’s when he met Etchabarron who filed the necessary paperwork to keep Yowski in the country until his refugee status could be further determined. The two traveled across the country landing in Durango where the couple managed a convenience store and worked as bouncers at a host of local bars.

In the daytime Kaslov sat on Main Avenue clutching his AK-47 which led to confrontations with police and an invitation to leave town. The couple headed north to the Badlands of San Juan County, where, as Yowski had heard, “anything goes.”

After a few nights in Silverton they headed to Montrose for warmed weather. Most residents say he is welcome there. His optimism seems, along with the latest flu virus, to be quite contagious.

“It is common practice for us to conduct an interview directly with people like Yowski,” said an under-editor at The Horseshoe, “but our only staff member fluent in Russian was fired during the McCarthy Hearings in 1951.”

– Ivan Sonovavitch Jr.

Good food in Jerico, Colombia

We have the tools to satisfy your culinary appetite! Just come up the stairs to La Gruta Restaurant and Bar in Jerico, Antioquia, Colombia. Buen provecho!  (February 14, 2016)

SKIING NOT IN BIBLE SAYS LAKE CITY WOMAN

And cows should never wear underwear

(Montrose — Rapture Tails, Scores and Schedules — February 13, 2016)

The sport of skiing is not mentioned so much as once in the Judeo-Christian Bible says a Lake City cleric who often parades around as the conscience of Hinsdale County.

According to Freida Markfore the Holy Writ makes no reference to skiing and therefore the entire modus operandi should be avoided by the god-fearing righteous.

“If the good Lord wanted man to slide down mountains he would have created him with edges on his feet and included poles with the “beginner package.” He would have also made snow fall in the Holy Land,” she mused.

“The gates of Paradise will never open for a snow plow stop or a telemark turn,” she forecast. “And the snow conditions in hell are not expected to improve in the near eternity.”

Markfore, who sometimes goes by the alias Luella Persimmons, frowned when it was suggested that skiing, associated with Nordic lifestyles and perhaps Viking gods did not jive with the everyday pursuits of the Semitics in Asia Minor.

“I’m not talking about no miners,” she shot back vehemently. “Most of them are well on their way to hell in a hand basket and don’t even know it.”

– Warren of Wexley

Bienvenidos a Hotel Atenas!

A warm enthusiastic Paisa welcome is in store at Hotel Atenas in Jerico, Colombia. Here we observe Zeus, the family bulldog keeping a keen eye on things on a warm afternoon. (David de los Andes photo). February 12, 2016.

Link will campaign in gorilla suit

(River City, Iowa — February 12, 2016)

As primaries heat up, the Missing Link, who declared his candidacy for president on Friday while jigging for frogs on the upper Mississippi, is set on more monkey business.

The Link, who many on both sides of the plutocratic aisle say is no more than a comic disruption, will campaign in a full ape suit. The striking attire, created by Argentine designer, Pilar Zeta, features a protruding nose, large inset eyes and hair…lots of hair. The costume/outfit is modeled after traditional gorilla suits worn by authentic mountain gorillas in the Virunga Mountains of Central Africa.

International police have engaged in a massive manhunt for the Link since he allegedly escaped from a holding cell at Los Alamos National Laboratory in 1945. Analysts can only assume if that this fugitive status will hamper efforts to reach voters before its too late.

Although authorities insist they just want to talk to the Link supporters and the ACLU contend that “those people” want to incarcerate the Link and subject him to a battery of experiments as to the origins of man.

– Senor Panuelo