All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Jus’ a gentleman angler
(Big Windy Colorado
Wild Asparagus Review
April 23, 2016)
Wet line fever
Ripples in the water
Crack in the bobber
Don’t make no matter.
Sittin’ and spinnin’
Pickin’ teeth and grinnin’
Solitary hummin’
Big one’s surely comin’.
Cooler, pole and chair
Water everywhere
Bait your hook with nuthin’
You don’t really care.
Nuts. I got a nibble
Yep he’s hooked for sure
Now I gotta deal with him
despite the passing lure.
First they start the bitin’
Then commence to fightin’
Then you gotta clean ‘em
Too much work this anglin’.
-Small Mouth Bess
DOG HAIR PREVENTS PUBLICATION
(Manana, CO — Looking Back to 1985 — April 22, 2016
A sudden and alarming abundance of dog hair has been blamed for the absence of the popular San Juan Horseshoe from the proletariat news racks last month.
The canine hair, weighing in at just under 112 pounds, is said to have clogged up everything from typewriters to pencil sharpeners to printers to fax machines. The mammal strands even invaded the paper clip box (the lifeblood of this and any other newssheet worth its salt.).
Comparing the disaster to mohair in one’s martini publishers promised that someday soon the paper would be on-line and no longer subject to ink, water, cantankerous printing presses and yes, per hair. Meanwhile in the darkroom filters broke down in the mayhem leaving feet of dog hair in an area built for inches. The situation in the composing room was far worse.
At first the editor banned all dogs from the offices on press day only to realize that if employees could not bring their dogs to work they would quit.
“Then I’d be putting out the issue by myself,” said Belle Toole, Under Editor.
According to a dated memo the only pets allowed in the editorial offices are frogs, smooth-skinned marmots, turtles, tropical fish and miniature sheep.
“This is the traditional approach to the intrusion,” said Toole.
Meanwhile the employees union is considering options and most workers are keeping themselves busy knitting dog hair socks for advertisers.
– Alfalfa Romero
Denver Seeks Water Rights to Walden Pond
(Concord MA — H20 Blues — April 21, 2016)
Pirates from Colorado’s Confront Range have claimed Walden Pond here. Legal water interests have adjudicated the water in the pond, which is not being used, as common property subject to seizure.
Once the haunt of poet, Henry David Thoreau, the spot has been declared abandoned, since the water is not spoken for. A self-reliant transcendentalist, who authored the American classic Walden, Thoreau was known for his militant stance against modern man’s infringement on nature back in 1854.
“We don’t care if Jesus or Buddha fishes this pond. We want it,” said a spokesperson for the Denver Water Board.
It was not clear how the DWB would transport the water if the seizure plot goes through successfully. Walden is the latest protected water to be claimed by the Confront Range since 1985 when the Brown Cloud began to spread. In addition to most of the water in South Park, the developer-mad Mile High City has grabbed Lake Elsinore, the Grand Canal in Venice, Lake Victoria, the Zambezi River and the Sea of Galilee.
When contacted the DWB denied involvement.
– Dinty Moore
Crumbling Ski Slums A Sad Scenario
(Vail, CO — Brie Magazine, April, 2029 — April 19, 2016)
Derelict chalets, dilapidated castles of days gone by too quickly, are all that’s left of the once haughty ski village here. Now most of the buildings held together by second-thought visquine and he neighbor’s duct tape are the homes of high altitude brannigans who live out the legacy of credit cards and plastic architecture gone wild in the 80s and 90s.
Today the railroad employs most of those fit to work. Soup kitchens cater to locals as well as wealthy gamblers on their way to San Francisco and New York City.
Poor construction, over-building and corporate cancer have, in hindsight, been isolated as the culprits in the fall of what looked to be a bullet-proof sub-culture/bonanza high in the Rockies. At the height of the war people weren’t much on skiing.
A stroll (daytime please) through the abandoned slope-side condos gives one a quick, bleak picture of the stark desperation at hand. Crime, drug abuse and degradation are rampant, as homeless vagabonds now inhabit these once ostentatious citadels. Children, adored in discarded, and certainly out of fashion, ski outfits play next to deserted lifts. The parents of a lucky few, refugees from collateral damage, are forced to work in Summit County.
In nearby Eagle a baby cries in a doublewide. A lone Chevy pickup curves its way through town perhaps searching for a loaf of bread, true enlightenment or a misplaced gearshift knob. It’s beginning to snow.
-Dinty Moore
Future February, 2029
“Rumors of my canonization are greatly exaggerated.” – Bernie Sanders with apologies to Mark Twain.
Transylvania Promotes Strongest Asset
(Iron Curtain Closures-Multi-Cromagnum Trans-Everything Day -April 18, 2016)
A broad based yet unlikely coalition that includes various radical environmentalist organizations, dentists, the Trans-Caucasus Castle Repair Tradesman’s Association, the Transylvanian Humpback Support Society (WhatHump.org) and more than five European Union ancestral tourism officials has been created to breath new life into the asinine dream of one old man and his terrifyingly psychotic ancestor.
It is a dream, and an ancestor, that many had thought died long ago but today, hope for bringing Transylvania’s native vampires back home to Transylvanian rural villages is once again breathing horrifying raspy breaths into a heartwarming community project and an uplifting story.
Deep in the tangled, rotted, stinking, serpent ridden bowels of the People’s Transylvanian National Forest And Oil Refinery lie a few government sanctioned, frightening looking shacks surrounding a makeshift castle and graveyard where a small group of dedicated biologists and vampire lovers care for the project’s seven captive vampires while they are retrained to survive in the Transylvanian urban – rural interface.
One of the volunteers points out that “once reintroduced, the vampires will face extraordinary hardships and risk. We must ensure they can survive without succumbing to starvation or even capture or hunting by angry, terrified villagers.”
Given the myths and prejudice against bloodsuckers of all kinds of the last six centuries, as you might imagine vampire reintroduction is a thankless job that can really only be done in a loving fashion by the basest idiots and black hearted losers looking to turn a quick buck. Enter Mstislav Slinvorkian and his transgender partner Hiewassa Gêrural.
“Having Vampires back in Transylvania is a human right. Mstislav and I are not going to let this issue die or blow away on an ill wind. Vampires, werewolves and a fragile and delicate collection of medieval daemons are essential keystone components of the Transylvanian ecosystem and the most charismatic thing about our nation. They are all that we have. Take away our monsters and we have nothing! We’ve been without nothing for too long!”
Mstislav stepped in to calm his flighty but dedicated friend.
“This is so important to Hiewassa. Other nations have traditional heroes – generals and political leaders, authors, ballet dancers and plumbers. But as a native Transgender Transylvanian, Hiewassa feels that bringing back our homeland’s most iconic species will be the first step in transferring new pride for Transylvanians, who are naturally prone to transformations.
“I’ll tell you,” Mstislav whispered, “he won’t talk about it himself, but Hiewassa feels that given his own native blood, his Dracularian family tree and his already apparent penchant for transformation, he may someday suck a villager’s blood. He’s that close to these guys.”
Mstislav was pointing to the castle and graveyard and the seven young hedge fund managers, still in the Armani suits they wore when they were sedated, collared, loaded on the airplane and transported from Wall Street back to their ancestral homeland.
Someday, hopefully, each will roam free in the Translyvanian outback, sucking blood without the constant threat of an Elizabeth Warren congressional investigation or a 55% tax bracket.
That, at least, is the crazy dream of two creepy nut balls deep in the Caucusus and the corrupt shambles of a government in a broken ecosystem trying to rebuild the myth that lies at the heart of so many ethnic Transylvanians’ gender identity issues today.
We will continue to follow Mstislav and Hiewassa’s story as they prepare for partial release of several vampire young into the wild just prior to Halloween 2017. * * *
Map Maker Local realinea Planet
(Ridgway, CO Diversión Con Geografía April 17, 2016)
Poco Elkview Wannamaker ha logrado cambiar el mundo, al menos en el papel. El valiente 2 años de edad, un cartógrafo prodigio, decidió que para la diversión que conectaría América del Sur y China por una masa de tierra extendida prestado de Canadá y se ejecuta a través del Trópico de Cáncer.
Cuando hubo terminado de colocar todas las islas del Pacífico diminuta en su sitio incluso Amerigo Vespucci no tendría que reconocer el lugar.
De acuerdo con la Sociedad para la Preservación de las supersticiones y la Hermandad de Geógrafos físicos este ejercicio demuestra que el mundo es plano.
“Esto es una completa tontería”, dijo un vocero de esta última organización. “Algunos niño con un lápiz de color no puede cambiar la posición de los países, mucho menos continentes enteros.”
Mientras tanto el comercio es rápido con Colombia y Perú se beneficia del mercado de café muy abiertos en China, mientras que los antiguos puertos, Shanghai y Hong Kong vieron exportaciones récord de bienes manufacturados a América del Sur.
“Lo que tenía que ser enviado a través de un océano ahora se puede entregar directamente a la puerta del consumidor”, dijo ZXing Taosace, de la China comunista capitalista Yangtze Press. “El dinero ahorrado en estas transacciones se utiliza para construir un puente peatonal a través de segmentos inseguras para la negociación.”
Cadena de tiendas adictos en los Estados Unidos están enojados de que han quedado fuera de las oportunidades comerciales lucrativas pero muchos no pudieron localizar los continentes que participan en sus teléfonos celulares.
– H.L. Menocken
