All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Where’s Emmet?
While wandering down Antigua’s cobblestones on the way to Spanish class I wonder at the activity. It’s still early in the morning. The bakeries are buzzing. Citizens hose down the sidewalks. Meats hang in the butcher’s window like birthday piñatas waiting for adoption. Fix-it shops plow through mounds of damaged goods, busy fingers sprinting toward mid-morning breaks with coffee and tortillas.
My tranquil home in Ouray seems light years away. I stop and watch a young woman sew together a pair of ripped trousers. Two doors away someone’s grandfather tests a compact disc player, smiling when he hears the bouncing sounds of salsa. Sure, turn it up…You know you want to. Buenos dias and a smile. Before I reach San Francisco Church another shop door hangs open. Inside a cobbler bangs away at an army of shoes while his infant son watches from a nearby basket.
A brightly painted bus passes spewing diesel and smoke upon each take off. It’s one of countless chicken buses that troll the streets in search of passengers. These trademark transports are derelict school buses, discarded by the folks up north who like their things brand new. Here in Guatemala where quetzals don’t go far, the bus has been born again.
Back in Colorado I was talking to a man who works at the dump, oh excuse me, the landfill, the other day. He asked me about Central America. Says he’s going there after he gets off probation. Public service and all…
Somehow we get onto the subject of trash. The power of suggestion and the odor must have a hand in it. He swats at an almost bankrupt fly, saying he was reading a piece on landfills and the desperate situation facing the country.
A vision of a ghost garbage barge teaming with refuse comes to mind. That image was New York City’s tons of discharge looking for its place in the sun. Bring me your tired, your poor, your throw away society filling up the sea. New is better, ain’t it?
“We’re running out of room,” he says. “The dumps are full of televisions, tires, bottles and furniture. They won’t go away.”
Skeletons of affluence.
***
In Antigua, our neighbor, a thirty-five year old taxi driver named Hector, jacks up his ’64 Chevy to replace a badly dented wheel.
“These streets are tough on a car,” he smiles.
We take his photo next to the car. He asks how much we paid for the camera and is shocked when we tell him.
“But you can buy a throw away model for a whole lot less,” I insert. He looks at me but cannot think of anything to say.
His wife, Iris, is a seamstress. Her small shop next to the tienda is crammed full of well-worn clothing fresh from the United States. Rips and tears and holes and hanging threads greet her each day. Some of the trendy logos are difficult to make out in the shadows of mid-afternoon.
“Well, I don’t know what to say, Barney, if Aunt Bea can’t fix it you’ll have to take it to Emmet,” smiled Sheriff Taylor from behind his desk. “It could take a while. He’s busy this time of the year.”
“Maybe I’ll just buy a new one. Who knows how many slices of bread have been toasted in this one,” said the deputy, looking at the small toaster on the desk.
“You don’t need a new one,” popped the sheriff’s son Opie. “The one you have is perfectly fine. It just needs a little attention.”
He looks at his father, “Pa, don’t we have an extra toaster to lend to Barney until his is fixed?”
“That’s a good idea, son. Why don’t you both take a ride over to the house. It’s in the cellar. Take the patrol car.”
“I don’t know what we’d do around here without Emmet,” said Barney.
“Yeah, a good fix-it man is hard to come by,” answered the sheriff. “I remember when folks had to travel all the way to Mount Pilot to get a radio fixed. Now we have Emmet in the fix-it shop and Gomer down at the gas station. This is really living.”
May 18, 2016
Jai Alia National Pastime For Many
(Corral Gables — The Devil’s Picture Book — May 21, 2016)
The sport of Jai Alai was voted the most popular spectator sport in a poll conducted by gambling interests here. Long associated with wagering and speed, the sport has often been played without an audience with large bets placed on the outcome.
Its rise in popularity is credited in part to the sterling success of casino lacrosse, a perverted version of the old Native sport. Casino lacrosse emerged in Colorado along with limited stakes gambling in the 1990s and legal marijuana in 2013.
Spectator sports rank high in every poll indicating that Americans are becoming even lazier. Preferring to watch rather than participate, a serious indication of lower intelligence, most people felt that watching was less dangerous easier on the individual attention span. Today casinos offer televised matches of the sport for those too lazy or distracted to pick up a hand of playing cards.
– Gabby Haze
Iceberg Hugs Ecuadoran Coast
(Galapagos Islands — South American Cruises — May 16, 2016)
The mammoth iceberg that broke away from the continent of Antarctica continues to drift north. Visible from the city of Guayaquil and from beaches as far north as Canoa and Esmeraldas, it has been described as a “monster whale of white” by eyewitnesses. Traveling along a longitudinal path of about 105 degrees, the giant chunk of rock and ice, despite the Humboldt Current and the treacherous Machalilla Riptides, is expected to hit downtown Los Angeles in time for rush hour on Monday.
The iceberg, carrying an estimated 11,000 penguins (and an alleged assortment of dampened persons dressed like penguins) separated from the mainland near the Walgreen Coast and proceeded into the bowels of the South Pacific. At last report, the almost circular frozen bulk measured 43 by 40 miles but it is constantly losing mass as it journeys closer to the Equator. It is reportedly traveling at about 14 miles per hour in the frigid waters of the South Pacific
Passengers appear to be content to ride the thing out. Undocumented penguins will be subject to immigration laws wherever they land, while legitimate penguins will be returned to their native habitat without incident. The Red Cross has been monitoring the sojourn especially since food and water is a rare commodity on the iceberg.
If the iceberg follows through and crashes into the California coast it will do so with substantial might. Prisons have been emptied with inmates going to work filling sandbags. LA gang members have been recruited to dig trenches as part of public service debts. Yesterday, Octogenarians were seen boarding up windows. One man was observed collecting silk stockings that he insisted would be used to make parachutes. Police and fire departments are telling citizens to “stay mellow”.
Golden State scientists project that either the iceberg will shatter the fragile geologic relationship between California and the rest of the continent, or it will peacefully float into safe harbors, providing the region with much needed water for the next decade.
Nobody has released any further information as to the identity of the penguin vagabonds, currently cruising the high seas. Rescue teams at the Tommy Lasorda Abalone Research Center remain on high alert, expecting a life saving/salvage situation as early as Sunday evening.
– Small Mouth Bess
Hell Discovered by Corps of Engineers
(Rangely, CO — Netherworld Gazetteer — May 15, 2016)
The recent and much heralded discoveries by the Army Corps of Engineers all but verify the existence of the place called Hell. Engaged in a serious digging effort (for some undisclosed reason up here) the teams stumbled across the Eternal Pit at about near quitting time on Thursday. Having left the hole exposed overnight one foreman later expressed concern not with people falling in but others coming up and out.
“When we came back to work Friday there was visquine stretched over the opening with a note that warned of rain,” said Al Studevent, a tenured geologist attached to the project. “We looked down the hole as far as possible with the flames and the gnashing of teeth and all.”
By noon the entire area was off limits to anyone with even a lick of sense. Federal aeronautics and NASA personnel were all over the place turning it into an anthill of activity. So much so that the senior high school class hastily arranged a car wash and local bars sold beer to the growing throng. The experts sat on their thumbs while the crowd grew edgy.
“These feds are as thick as flies at a fertilizer convention,” said Studevent. “There’s already talk of building an embassy above the hole or at least a CIA listening post. But right now we have bigger fish to fry: We lost three drunks in the vicinity of that enchanted hole last night alone.”
Hell, depending on your angle, is either a place of eternal punishment or a damn good control method invented by religions to keep the faithful in line. Traditionally it has been located deep under the earth, inhabited by the remnants of bad angels and sinners who didn’t do what they were told and were hurled down there for eternity or some damn thing. Theories abound as to the rest of the story.
“I’ve spent most of my life in Rio Blanco County and nobody has to tell me that Hell is real,” said Manny Motormouth, a local sheepherder. “I’m just worried about the missing drunks. One of them owed me ten dollars.””
In a related story the Air Force has proclaimed that the over 400 UFO sightings documented over the past week were only masses of swamp gas and the reflection of airport runway lights from nearby Maybell to the northwest. The branch was quick to add that proximity to Utah and the presence of higher intelligence have never been scientifically connected.
“There are no beings of higher intelligence in the county,” slammed a sheriff’s deputy.
“I’ve seen folks over at Ma’s Bar with what looks like three eyes and there’s that one green-skinned from Craig that plays the jukebox all night but otherwise the situation is quite normal. Now with this Hell thing I don’t know what the weekend will bring,” he continued. There may be Hellions, aliens and even a few liberals out there knocking to get in but until they drink and get behind the wheel of their cars we cannot detain them.”
Religious and self-proclaimed spiritual leaders are expected tomorrow while a priest from Wyoming is slated to perform the first ever exorcism ever in Rio Blanco County. Seating is limited.
– Beelzebub Spur
Drink More Vodka Says Putin
(Minsk — Make Vodka From Your Old Socks Magazine — May 14, 2016)
Russian President Vladimir Putin called on Americans to drink more vodka in 2016. Saying that a belly at the bar would go a long way toward combating hunger in Russia. The former KGB officer, and friend of Donald Trump, estimates that if every American would just increase his or her intake by one shot per day the economy of Russia would bounce back to Czarist proportions.
Putin targeted Americans on the issue since the French prefer wine, the Germans like beer and the English “are in bed with a good bottle of single malt.”
“None of these groups will ever budge,” he quacked. “Our only tangible export to the developed nations is vodka,” he continued. “Americans don’t need our natural gas or even our caviar but they all get thirsty.
In response to the pathetic plea, the Congress has drafted a bill offering tax credits to the vodka-swilling public. If the bill becomes law, persons who purchase the stuff by the case might be able to claim a percentage as a contribution to charity by 2017.
Supporters say the move has nothing to do with National Health care while detractors worried about sour relations with Poland, the world’s second largest distiller and member of NATO bowling team.
– Neville Hoser
“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera.”
(They can cut down all the flowers but they cannot hold back the spring.”)
– Pablo Neruda
Hechos fascinantes
(Del Guisante respuesta Man – Dry Creek Gaceta – May 13, 2016)
En Breckenridge, Colorado hay que caminar una milla fuera de la ciudad para comprar un paquete de condones, mientras que la misma persona puede comprar un condominio en el baño en casi cualquier restaurante de la barra.
Si el dueño de Brooklyn Dodgers Fulgencio Batista sólo se había renegociado el contrato del abogado Fidel Castro en 1956 podría haber quedado fuera de la política en conjunto y llegar a ser uno de los mejores lanzadores en jugar béisbol.
Si todo el mundo dejó de comprar la vida, la salud y el seguro de auto en poco tiempo nadie más lo necesitaría.
Mt Sneffels fue nombrado para el legendario yiddish stand-up cómico Marvin Sneffels que realizó dos shows una noche de verano para los turistas en la base del pico. Su 58 años de carrera terminó con su muerte prematura en 2015.
El mortal araña Negro Viuda prefiere la letrina a la casa de la gallina al instalarse en una casa de verano en las montañas. Off-le-Grid vivir sin algunas de las comodidades del siglo 21 no mucho impresionar a la variedad reclusa parda tampoco.
La Administración Obama envió más de 4.000 vehículos de recreo a Afganistán para ser regalado a los aliados del gobierno de Estados Unidos. En último cheque 3900 todavía estaban estacionado en un lugar secreto en Kabul embarque esperando.
La Casa Blanca fue una vez una cama y desayuno antes de la guerra de 1812, cuando los británicos quemaron abajo. Después del conflicto, la mansión fue reconstruida y se designó como residencia presidencial, un estatus que ocupa en la actualidad. Aunque la función alojamiento es viejo negocio del lugar según los informes, sirve un buen almuerzo caliente en los días de semana.
