All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Lawn Therapy Saves the Day
(Grassy Mojo, CO — June 29, 2016
Most of my friends think I’m a moron because I spend so much time working in my yard. They say I could be drinking or watching sports on TV. Some say I am even anal-retentive because I relish a lush, green field of grass and healthy trees.
My contention holds that this type of daytime activity is worth more than surface peeks might let on. It could very well be the most readily available therapy because it’s right outside the door. It could just be the most effective stress relief and a lucid meditative opportunity going.
Imagine the benefits garnished by watering a Russian olive tree and watching it perk up in the late afternoon sun. Try hauling leaves and branches to the dump for the ultimate cleansing. Look at your beautiful green lawn now. It certainly gives one a sense of natural order as well as the realization that he is only a small cog in this planetary mess we call civilization.
The trick is to get an early jump on your lawn before it gets a jump on you. I start every morning with riding mower calisthenics. Getting up before dawn is especially effective when fighting crabgrass and weeds. Always attack at dawn. I don’t recall who first said these immortal words but it doesn’t matter.
While some guys and gals are at the golf course or hanging their fat butts off a barstool I am up to mine in grass clippings. What a feeling! By mid-morning it’s time to move the sprinklers then a light lunch. After eating we move into the more technical aspects of our chore
Continued on Folly or Fertility, hiding in the cosmic turf wars
Counter-Espionage Chief Says Aliens Inhabit Congress
(Moscow — Red Sky at Night — June 29, 2016)
A former counter-espionage agent working for the KGB and the CIA claims that a majority of the United States Congressmen are in-your-face extraterrestrials or brazen aliens from other planets and galaxies.
Retired Soviet spy, Kaslov Yowski, a recent arrival to the retirement community here. His indictment is backed up by what he insists are mounds of data collected during the Cold War and warehoused near his boyhood home of Vasilkovf, in the lush vodka growing region of Murmansk, in extreme northwest Russia.
“As a young boy we watched as aliens landed nearby, hundreds of them preparing for the stark voyage or land crossing into the wastelands of Alaska,’ started Yowski sipping a chilled potato-derivative on ice. “They had on goal in mind: Make it to Washington and take over the government. Why someone with the ability to travel here from light years away would want to dabble in petty politics is beyond my comprehension,” he frowned. “It must be some kind of Fifth Columnist thing.”
Are Washington’s gloried insiders really the ultimate outsiders? Will Yowski spill the cosmic beans? Please show your birth certificate at the door.
– Stinky Weehoff
Catsup Legislation on Hot Seat
(Bowling Green, OH — Meatball Examiner — May 2016)
A bitterly contested bill that would punish people who routinely abuse catsup has reached the Colorado Senate this morning. Having passed the House by a vote of more than 3 – 1, the bill seems destined for approval despite heavy lobbying. Attempts to kill the legislation in committee failed and were tabled until tomatoes begin to taste like tomatoes again.
Big Catsup, as represented by Heinz and other mega concerns say the passage of the bill would mean restrictive measures on catsup users upsetting the flow and creating unemployment.
Supporters of the legislation say chefs, cooks, and backyard connoisseurs deserve some relief. They contend that the entire culture is up against the wall of catsup.
“We do not want to criminalize the use of catsup,” said one proponent of the bill. “We just want to discourage its use with certain food groups and certain preparations of certain food groups.”
The issue of catsup abuse has been constantly deferred while the state nonchalantly promises to prosecute him but not her and those people but not the others. It is clear we need state and federal agencies to keep the lid on here.
“Any item that takes more than 20 minutes to prepare should be restricted from the mindless application of catsup,” popped in one supporter of tighter controls. “Omelets, fish, prime cuts of meat and most ethnic food should never be catsup tampered or in any way transformed by the application of sweet, cold tomato sauce.”
In related news, burger magnate Ronald McDonald, the fast food clown who succeeded in convincing the federal gov’ment that catsup was a vegetable back in 1982, was run over by a tofu truck in Grand Junction this afternoon. He passed on after a short struggle on the cold floor of one of his nearby restaurants, a fighter until the end.
– Hymie Heinz
The People’s Quart
(An indicting synopsis of legal goings-on
under the friendly green awning of jurisprudence)
The following data is lifted directly from court documents in Town of Jingo, County of Manana, Colorado. The information is released with the approval of principals herein for the benefit of personal freedom and access jurisdiction.
Idarado Mining Company vs. People of Colorado
At this point the saga attorneys for Idarado/Newmont Mining and Milling are just about to present “conclusive and irreversible evidence” that Idarado is not guilty of spilling waste into Bear Creek and therefore not responsible for future cleanups or EPA foreclosures. Instead, they assert, that less than hygienic Hippies swimming in the creek during the 1977 Telluride Bluegrass Festival polluted the water. The lawyers are asking that the court confiscate Bluegrass receipts to identify and prosecute the offenders and stop pointing the finger at the mining industry. Attempts to contact the alleged perpetrators has been slow going since many, almost forty years later, are out selling real estate.
Idarado/Newmont has also blamed for the presence of PCBs, acetone and trichloroethane in local rivers, on local Ute bands, which were forcibly vacated from the premises in 1874. That accusation will be undressed on the federal quart docket in December. A change of venue to the planet Mars is expected.
San Juan Horseshoe vs. Barnacle Media
Can a respectable journalist leave his bar tab to a colleague after death? Publisher and Retired General Horseshoe has gone all the way down to the knuckles on this one. His will, drawn up as a conclusive precedence to what is inevitable, leaves a stunning bar arrangements in Crested Butte (With all of the privileges and responsibilities of the working press) to Crested Butte News editor Mark Reaman. Horseshoe, who is still quite warm, claims that the tab options constitute roughly 3 times the value of his estate and thus cancels any advertising fees due the News.
He has gone on record as saying he would like to the keep the matter out of probate court because “everyone could die of thirst while that institution establishes jurisdiction much less validity over the avowed, albeit spirituous pact.” Reaman was not in quart this morning preferring to journey to Denver to accept a Ski Writer’s Award for penmanship.
Po’ Folk vs. Vail
The more than 300 persons were arrested in Eagle County on Saturday during a Poor People’s March on Vail were arraigned this morning. After promising to subsist and go home the violators were released on two months probation and a fifty-dollar fine that all but 3 refused to pay. Lawyers representing what the tastefully coiffured media are calling The Vail 300 are calling for the immediate release of all prisoners from the Gerald Ford Work and Ski Facility at Beavercreek, where they currently labor making turns, washing towels and picking up trash.
Civil liberties attorneys, who have joined the melee, are seeking an injunction against Vail that would provide for housing and mass transport for the workers in question. Circuit Judge, Oliver Cromwell has pledged to satisfy all concerns by the weekend. The Vail 300 inmates are expected to be moved to the John Elway Minimum Security Trailer Park in Minturn by later today.
June 29, 2016
Hunters must employ caddies in 2017
(Rocky Mountain Hideaway – Logistical Laughs – June 26, 2016)
It was a day that many said would never come. Today the Colorado Division of Wildlife approved the Mandatory Caddie Law for all out-of-state hunters. The new regulation, which requires all hunters travel with a caddie, has been receiving increased lip service since incidents of chronic operator error have skyrocketed in certain ranks.
Colorado residents will not be obliged to employ an aide-de-camp although they are encouraged to do so.
“This way we can better insure a more diverse circulation of funds generated by hunters. We hope it will more evenly distribute the all important fiscal impact curve,” said Sandy Bunker, of the DOW/Fairway Division, “or they may fire all of our asses.”
Due to harsh criticism that it has manipulated the purse strings of the annual hunting season, the DOW is attempting to spread the wealth outside the arenas of grocery and convenience stores into the pockets of Americans. Over 400 caddies have already enrolled in the program.
Candidates must be over four feet tall, be amenable to working nights and have a strong background in land management.
– Gabby Haze
Pope Urges Faithful to Play Golf
(Vatican City — June 25, 2016) Pope Francis today encouraged a throng of believers mobbing St. Peter’s Basilica that a round of golf is perfectly compatible with spirituality and makes a fine follow-through to an hour or so cramped in a pew.
“Sunday is still the day of rest where I come from,” said the Pontiff in his native tongue. “And I find lofting a nine iron onto the green or dropping a 20-foot putt quite restful.”
On the subject of skipping church altogether in favor of more golf the Pope scowled and said that would be between the golfer and his conscience.
“My grandfather played plenty of golf in Buenos Aires and I often caddied for him,” continued Bergoglio, the first Pope from the Americas. “He cursed a bit but handed out valuable, life-lesson advice. Once he told me that it was far better to look for the ball in the middle of the fairway, where you hoped it had landed, rather than wasting time beating the bush or combing the water hazards for it. He said it was a metaphor, like the Tango.”
Whether or not other Evangelicals will come onboard with this Sunday suggestion is unclear although the Presbyterians and the Episcopates have been tearing up the links for decades. Leading Baptists have flirted with the idea for some time but remain concerned that it might cut into evening services on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.
Readers may recall Puritans Banned Golf in 1677. “Foolish waste of time… Silly, causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases,. Often causes citizens to dress flamboyantly and is not in keeping with the modest dress of a God-fearing gentleman.
Pope Francis, who was never a stand-up comedian or scratch golfer while in Argentina became interested in these skills once he lived in Rome.
– St. Roscoe of Fairways
