All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

Warning to all local bear

Public services # 611 —  June 24, 2016

Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. We are tired of cleaning up after you. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we fell are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!
– Dos Rios Golf Course Management

More bears than tourists?

“I spent at least 24 hours in Alaska and only saw six bears. It was light all the time.” – Melvin O’Toole. Photo and copy by Jeff Brown, The Juneau What? 

Woman Hit By Golf Ball Looks to Politics

(Montrose, CO  — June 22, 2016) A local woman, struck by a colossal drive at The Bridges on Thursday has decided to embrace a career in politics. Susie Compost, of Pea Green, was hit on the top of the head by a Top Flight ball while she lined up a putt.

At first she considered legal action but was persuaded to look in more positive directions.

“Once she regained her senses she decided that running for office would give her something to do in the afternoons,” said a close friend and mentor. “She plays 18 every morning.”

At present neither major party has shown much interest.
Compost, a mustache trainer by profession, told The Horseshoe that a position as county commissioner was attractive but that she might consider a run for the White House.

Although a rare occasion, golfers do not always duck properly, and a few get bonked every season.

“It’s just a part of the game like bunkers and bears on the greens,” she smiled.

– Rocky Flats

“Remember to swing through it, to undress the ball.”
– Lee Traveno

Japanese Purchase Hawaii

(Honolulu — Tokyo Rose Press — June 21,  2016)

Final details are expected today on the sale of Hawaii to Japan. With the closing slated for Friday, both sides appeared hesitant to disclose the deal. The selling price, although not official, is estimated to be twice what Bill Seward spent for Alaska in 1867 or roughly what the average Congressman spends campaigning each year.

The Japanese took control of the island after a gerrymandered vote in 2015 and at first agreed to a lend-lease /purchase. Then last month the Asian nation acquired rights to buy the islands outright.

The property in question was seized from the rightful owners by the United States. It later became the 50th state in the United States of America. Resentment toward the American occupation has shifted somewhat to the Japanese cultural domination over the past century.

“The islands fit the specific needs of Japan,” justified a realtor involved directly with the transaction. “We were all a little choked up to see her go but the expense at keeping the place up to snuff was breaking the U.S. budget.”

Critics of the arrangement hammered the Obama Administration over the sale even though they have demanded the government take a more conservative fiscal role.

“Let’s face it. They pretty much owned the place anyway,” said one Obama spokesman. “This was pretty much a formality.”

Profits from the sale are earmarked for a remodel of Puerto Rico, which has residents there quite concerned as to their future in this odd realignment.

– H. L. Menocken

Whoopee Cooler Guard Banned by State

(Gladstone, CO   The Ice Man Whooped   June 20,  2016)

The Colorado Division of Safety and Intrusion has banned the popular Brew-Toole Whoopee Cushion due to repeated over-heating violations, insufficient lighting and contested patent claims. The Whoopee, a sophisticated digital alarm system that fits tightly over one’s favorite beer cooler, warns against intruders from as far as 50 yards away, has sold well here.

Persons who purchased model #66779925 (2006-2016) will have until July 4 to turn systems into state investigation teams currently trolling the landscape for violators who are continuing to use the Whoopee.

“It’s like the program where the citizen turns in his handgun only they get nothing back,” said Mel Toole, who invented of the Whoopee while on night guard duty at a local dog food factory. “At first people bought them as conversation pieces like wooden teeth or Elvis salt shakers. Then they found out how well the Whoopee works.”

The product had been sold with an assortment of verbal/audio alarms from: “Hey ass-hole get you mitts out of my beer cooler” to penetrating bells, obnoxious sirens, simulated nuclear blasts or the downright terrifying screams of a cornered capuchin monkey in heat. Social and more passive signals can be sent electronically, such as in the case of the witless human pest who insists on using your beer cooler as a seat near the fire.

The No Frills Brew-Toole Whoopee sells for $45 (plus batteries). Toole continues to sell the units at several disguised fruit stands along the Rim Rock Border of Colorado and Utah near the steamy river port of La Sal Junction.

“There is nothing unsafe about my invention,” stressed Toole. “It’s safer than driving in downtown Delta and far safer than most of the food we eat.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

Last newsprint edition out this weekend

Summer issue out! June 16, 2016