All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Durango Man Shoots Self in Foot
(Hermosa, CO – November 28, 2014) An unnamed man here admitted to shooting himself in the foot to avoid spring ski duty it was disclosed this morning. According to unreliable sources in the Reflective Service, Barney Barns fired a 22 pistol into what was his pinky toe at approximately seven minutes before the mountain was slated to open for the day.
Barns committed the personal atrocity alone and out of the way of fellow skiers. He was not cited for endangerment but only for discharging a weapon improperly and disturbing the peace.
The culprit was rushed to St Roscoe’s Animal Hospital near Mancos and is in remedial condition at bedtime. Attending physicians verified former reports that Barns, in a semi-conscious state of anxiety pledged to dodge spring skiing in any way possible, including shooting off his arms and legs if need be.
Authorities in this Southwestern Colorado burg, 118 miles south of Olathe, are concerned with the growing number of self-mutilations in response to overcrowding on the slopes this spring.
“We all know it’s no picnic up there. It’s a war zone with all those people on all those skis with their brains back at the condo. – Oral Waters
Dust Mites Make Great Companions For the Elderly
(Pea Green, CO – Nov 28, 2014) The despicable dust mite just may be the answer to the growing epidemic of loneliness in the aging population here. A shadow research group, aligned with the pharmaceutical industry, has suggested that the microscopic parasites may make great pets.
Doctors have concurred that dust mites are quite compatible with people and offer company without a lot of work.
“As a pet the dust m
ite has no equal,” said a physician with links to the insurance industry. “They don’t eat much, are generally housebroken, don’t need much exercise and aren’t demanding when it comes to the owner’s attention.”
These traits are considered attributes when it comes to the elderly caring for a pet. Researchers remind us that the positive impact of having a pet around the house is substantial, and can be quite rewarding for all parties concerned. Now with the appraisal of dust mites completed, they see many of the traditional inconveniences of pet ownership to be a non-issue.
“It’s the right pet at the right time,” said one doctor who has manned the senility ward at St Roscoe’s since 1960. “I myself have several and enjoy them almost like they were my children.”
Another senior says she shares her small cottage with thousands of dust mites annually.
“They bring their friends and families into my home in return for a little small talk,” she winked. “They’re much more involved in my life than my house plants or the sea turtle I rescued from the surf at Atlantic City in 1920.”
The above source says she talks to the dust mites and takes them for rides in her car on the weekends. (After a little snooping we found that she does not own a car).
Scientists, standing down after months of tedious exploration, assure us that there is no shortage of dust mites in Colorado but warned that their number is not infinite.
“There are plenty of these little parasites to go around and there is no need of hoarding,” said someone involved somewhere in this ridiculous story. – Fred Zeppelin
Donald Duck Honored at Bash
The McDuck Mansion after the Bash
Special to Ridgway, Co News Service, Nov 28, 2014
(Mallard Bay) A large celebration was held at the McDuck Mansion here last evening, prompting the local society page to revel in the presentation, calling it the social event of the season.
The semi-formal affair, well attended by celebrities and dignitaries from as far away as Ducktowne, was held in honor of the host’s favorite nephew, Donald.
Mrs. McDuck was decked out in a fine-tailored sailor suit top and no pants while Donald’s longtime mistress, Daisy wore a tasteful crimson nautical jacket and no pants. No one at the ball seemed distracted by the fashions since the ladies had often appeared in cartoons in the same attire.
Porky Pig arrived in basically the same no pants outfit as did his pretty companion Petunia. The guest of honor tipped his hat to the assemblage, standing behind the podium with no pants on either.
The prestigious group dined on gourmet duck food, flown in of course,
and steaks from Duckett’s Market in Ouray, Colorado. Most agreed that the entire evening “was just ducky”.
It was quite the plush gathering until the police arrived.
“You’re too noisy,” said a police officer to the humiliated Mrs. McDuck, “and where do you get off wearing such costumes. Where are your pants? We could easily run you in for obscenity.”
“We are not people. Don’t lay an egg. We are ducks,” said McDuck defiantly. “Besides we are cartoons too and so are you, so please leave before I call my husband and he erases all of you.”
The policeman looked in his police book and found nothing referring to cartoons and nudity, especially on private property. He then apologized and left. The party roared on until the wee hours until everyone had eaten and drank their fill. The place was a wreck after all of those drunken, feathered cartoon poultry and their animated friends, according the security crews circulating the neighborhood at the tax payer’s expense.
“Those cartoons really burned the place down,” he said.
Moral: If you’re going to get caught with your pants down do so with friends and in your own backyard. – Efram T. Quackenbushe
City Market to Offer New Services
(Montrose, CO – Nov 28, 2014) Unreliable sources in the produce aisle inside the Old City Market have spilled the beans on a departmental expansion plan aimed at attracting a fringe element that is not fully participating in the local economy.
The Supermarket giant, part of the Kroger chain, already heavily engaged in gasoline, car washes, video rentals, hardware, floral products, drugs and greeting cards as well as groceries, hopes to increase consumer awareness by adding revolutionary new amenities never before associated with the supermarket industry.
Leading off will be the grocery’s award winning Head-in Parking under the label of psychiatric counseling. Marital strife, child-parent relationships, money matters and other potentially destructive group therapy sessions will be offered in the meat department on Thursdays from 10 to 2.
Once accomplished the Head-In Program will help usher in a day care center (in the bakery) accommodating children from 2 – 18. A retirement home is under construction at this writing and will be completely functional by 2015.
Educational offerings include real estate classes, a beauty school and a truck-driving academy. GEDs will be available in the dairy case.
Simultaneously stimulating exercise/dance and Bible classes are now part of the curriculum on Sundays in the ethnic foods section while pork chops and apple pie are on sale all week.
Observant shoppers have no doubt already noticed the mobile surgery unit bivouacked out in the mega double-layered asphalt parking lot capable of handling whirly-twirlers, aereoplanes and henways at a moment’s notice.
The medical staff has already treated over 400 people since the inception two months ago. Cases range from flesh wounds resulting from cart rage to aggravated manslaughter.
And if that’s not enough to increase immortal profits, City Market will open a 24-hour mortuary at the South Townsend location. This ultimate checkout will cater to those who are ready to hit that final express line in the sky. – Dinty Moore
