City Market to Offer New Services

(Montrose, CO – Nov 28, 2014) Unreliable sources in the produce aisle inside the Old City Market have spilled the beans on a departmental expansion plan aimed at attracting a fringe element that is not fully participating in the local economy.
The Supermarket giant, part of the Kroger chain, already heavily engaged in gasoline, car washes, video rentals, hardware, floral products, drugs and greeting cards as well as groceries, hopes to increase consumer awareness by adding revolutionary new amenities never before associated with the supermarket industry.
Leading off will be the grocery’s award winning Head-in Parking under the label of psychiatric counseling. Marital strife, child-parent relationships, money matters and other potentially destructive group therapy sessions will be offered in the meat department on Thursdays from 10 to 2.
Once accomplished the Head-In Program will help usher in a day care center (in the bakery) accommodating children from 2 – 18. A retirement home is under construction at this writing and will be completely functional by 2015.
Educational offerings include real estate classes, a beauty school and a truck-driving academy. GEDs will be available in the dairy case.
Simultaneously stimulating exercise/dance and Bible classes are now part of the curriculum on Sundays in the ethnic foods section while pork chops and apple pie are on sale all week.
Observant shoppers have no doubt already noticed the mobile surgery unit bivouacked out in the mega double-layered asphalt parking lot capable of handling whirly-twirlers, aereoplanes and henways at a moment’s notice.
The medical staff has already treated over 400 people since the inception two months ago. Cases range from flesh wounds resulting from cart rage to aggravated manslaughter.
And if that’s not enough to increase immortal profits, City Market will open a 24-hour mortuary at the South Townsend location. This ultimate checkout will cater to those who are ready to hit that final express line in the sky. – Dinty Moore