All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

Obama waxes favorably in polls

(Gunnison —  January 20, 2015) President Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed today according to the latest Gallup Poll conducted in remote, untouched communities. The strict scientific survey asked 300 remaining American survivors of last week’s nuclear war if they thought Obama had done a good job in light of the marginal destruction of mankind. Further probes clearly indicate that the upsurge in popularity was linked to a direct hit on Lenin’s Tomb in Red Square. The bold move came in retaliation for the dreadful Russian bombing of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.
“Decisive, manly action is what we need in the foreign policy sector,” said General Karl Worthington Bulbous of Pentagon-Exxon. “All this planning and coordinating is a waste of time. Our great President Ronald Reagan never paid attention to restraint, and, although his only victory came in Grenada. Republicans remember him as a great warrior President, presumably because of the way he played soldiers in the movies.
With an inconceivable approval rating of 98% Obama has declared an end to opinion polls in this country and has arrested the 2% that still don’t like him. With the substantially smaller population base in the country, federal pollsters will now be able to interview everyone personally and avoid errors that have plagued the practice since Napoleon.
– Professor Peter Boyd

125 years ago today 1889

Today in History — December 27, 2014

First urinalysis tests conducted on hostile Jicarilla Apache in the Chiricahuas. Balanced Budget jokes bring down the house at Washington’s Ford Theater. First Rush Hour established in New York City. Onions in use as aphrodisiacs in Colorado mining camps. Karl Marx releases Duck Soup, a frank social commentary on eroticism before and after the Russian Revolution. Ernst von Bergmann first utilizes steam to press his favorite boxer shorts. The toddler Ty Cobb accidentally spikes his pediatrician during a routine office exam. Vice President Levi Morton threatens to quit the Harrison Administration when offered a barker position at the Paris World’s Fair Exposition. He is placated when Benjamin Harrison sends him as official US envoy to the dedication of the Eiffel Tower a few weeks later.

125 years from today

Convicts that have been serving hard time for failing to choose a long distance telephone company released from Attica Prison. Hippie Surplus stores expanding in franchise market. Rockies take over first place after stellar relief pitching performances completely stymie the competition. Solar energy prices level off at the pump in time for Labor Day Weekend. Miners working under Ernesto “La Cabra” DeGregorio, discover endless veins of pure surface asphalt at Montrose. Synthetic rocket fuel is in great demand with the exit of earthlings from a choked, toxic planet. Last known industrial polluters executed by firing squad. Jimmy Dean linked to illegal sausage operations dating back to 2003. United States falls behind Honduras, Bangladesh and Sudan in quality of high school education. Fudd-Lite commercial filmed at Gothic, Colorado.

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The Hordes’ Prayer

Our bother
Who art in Denver
Shallow be your feign
Your desert comes,
Our water gone
In Gunnison as it is in Aurora.

Give us this day our waterbeds
And forgive us our consumer excesses
As we forgive those who claim our resources
And lead us not into taxation
World without television
AM.

Colona Airport Dome Big Mistake

(Billy Creek —  December 27, 2015) The madcap plan to construct a massive dome over the expanded international airport is reckless, wasteful and rather pompous. It is also stupid. While we can appreciate the creativity of impetuous parties in Region Zen, the project should be left where it is right now: On a very warped drawing board.
If you listen to the public relations cadre, you would come to believe that the dome would be an incredible asset, one that would certainly dictate a building boom and link Colona with the lucrative ski dollars currently just out of reach.
“We think first impressions are everything,” said Margot Rottweiler, Executive Director of the Colona Alona Committee. “It is important that we keep our visitors cool in the summer and warm in the winter.”
We like the idea that over 300 starving artists from the area could share in the spoils due to the almost three vertical miles of murals planned for the airport. After that feat is accomplished another 10,000 square feet of white space remains inside and outside the dome. The ladders and paint has already been ordered and the committee is quietly compiling the final invitations.
“We considered selling banner advertising on the dome itself but decided to go with an esoteric approach instead,” continued Rottweiler. “Imagine a Redman Chewing Tobacco ad on a red-eye flight from the Bay Area.”
It gets sillier. Built to take full advantage of solar power, the proposed amenity calls for over 50 woodstoves to heat the place at night. It is surmised that this will create jobs for lumber mills and woodcutters from as far way as Pea Green and beyond. Currently there are no wood burning limitations, homeowners associations or government in Colona…just a lot of chickens and elk, and an occasional prowling mountain lion.
“We can’t have our visiting skiers sitting outside on benches where they would certainly be lunch for a hungry predator,” she gasped. “That’s not the kind of publicity that we want.”
Critics fear that aviation accidents will increase some 98% with the dome. They say that the talk of big profits has clouded the vision of their adversaries. They further argue that money saved on such expenses as runway maintenance and snow removal cannot be brought into balance with the potential for loss of life and worse. Salvage rights have yet to be discussed.
“These throwbacks don’t understand basic physics,” whined Rottweiler. “Every time someone tries to implement a positive idea we get these urban pinheads trying to dictate policy to the entire community. Why don’t they focus on something that they understand like repairing the sidewalks.”
Not only is the Colona Alona Committee a bunch of newcomer, idle, pushy hacks but they are mean. Colona has no sidewalks, a sensitive point to most residents here. – Editor

Believe It or Horseshoe?

Did you know that the famous Swedish astronomer, Tycho Brahe had a nose made of gold? It was a replacement for his own which he lost in a duel with a Danish nobleman in 1566.

Did you know that the Graham Cracker was named after Sylvester Graham, a New England minister? He not only invented the cracker but also published a journal in Boston that took a rabid stand against tea, coffee, featherbeds and women’s corsets.

Are you aware that a Dromedary camel named Jeb is the only desert animal to have ever laughed (and spit) at an outfit worn by the Queen of Sheba, and lived to tell about it?

Did you know that ping-pong is a game created by George Washington to help pass the cold winter nights at Valley Forge? Washington allowed his staff and junior officers access to the green table if they brought their own balls. The best competition occurred among a Hessian fusilier detachment that had deserted to the American cause after the Battle of White Plains. The rest of the tattered army was limited to late night games or a rare opening when Martha came up for the weekend.

Were you aware that there has never been a documented attack by a marmot on a human since 1852? Researchers at the Boyle Institute of Free Thought in Glenwood Springs confirm that the marmot (whistle pig, alpine woodchuck) is a peace-loving vegan who will engage in the attack mode only when someone threatens his mate or insults his national heritage.

Did you know that people who live in southeastern Oklahoma have no eyebrows? Many wear fake eyebrows or pull their hats down to hide their shame. Masks have been employed in more affluent districts. Dermatologists in Dallas tell us that the eyebrows disappeared not long after the adoption of a state license plate slogan calling Oklahoma “Native America” which is a misnomer since not one native American relocated here by choice. A Cherokee curse clearly states that if Oklahoma would simply reassert, “Oklahoma is OK” instead of the reference to the tribes that were brought here, the eyebrows would grow back.

Did you realize that of all the illegal aliens that entered the United States since 2010 only 31% were Martian? The other prominent groups include agricultural workers from Uranus (19%), Neptune (12%) and Pluto (8%). The others (30%) are a mix of economic refugees from Mexico and Central America.

Did you realize that when the Russian Army stops for lunch in Ukraine or Georgia that it takes 3800 pounds of potatoes, 2345 pounds of kielbasa, 1300 gallons of borscht, 3500 gallons of vodka, 2000 tubs of sour cream and one gross of parsley to feed them? – Suzie Compost

Kids! Save all of your Believe It Or Horseshoe columns.

Win friends, amaze teachers and win bar bets when you grow up.