All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
December Features
Holiday Cookies Even the Dog Won’t Eat
But a Hot Oven Keeps the Whole House Toasty!
by Codger Bacon
in Culinary Quirks and Quibbles
Dinosaur Extinction Linked to Holiday Cheer
Burning the Candle at Most Ends
with Sir Otis of Liver
In Temporary Lifestyles
Breaking Down Emotional Chorals for Christmas
What can you do when the cows come?
with Dr. Efram Pennywhistle BFD, LSMFT
In Fleeting Mental Health
New Proof Surfaces:
Santa Not An American
Probably a Russian spy says former CIA operative
by Fred Zeppelin
in Zenith Celebrity Watch
Aggressive shoplifting for your Holiday Table
It couldn’t be easier and more fun!
by Small Mouth Bess
In Getting Started’s the Hardest Part
Plus extended postulates to eat, drink, fall from, roll in and be frightened to face.
Pick up your copy where you have your putter remounted
Under The Tree ’15
As has become tradition The San Juan Horseshoe is almost pleased to bring you this year’s compilation of innovative gifts for friends and family. Even the cynical recipient will agree that the following roster overrides a more tedious, humdrum collection of mall rat items, last minute shopping network lunges and precocious attempts at satisfying the holiday libido. More than likely all of these kinds of offerings are predestined for the trash or the toilet bowl just as soon as the giver is out of sight or earshot.
Herein peruse a colorful dung heap of benevolent boons that, if not endearing are enduring.
These carefully selected sugarplum diversions and brightly wrapped glitter are sure to jingle someone’s bells come Christmas morning. Go ahead, know-it-all, look for bonanzas such as these in Warren and Susie’s Wisconsin Cheese and Meat Flyer or in your local idiot-compatible discount armory. Search the blender aisle. Examine the cans of mace. Plow through the personal hygiene corridor. You will only find devastating disappointment by mail and/or the usual be-smocked clerk that doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if you drop dead on the way to the checkout stand. Merry Christmas.
SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2016!
Cordon Bleu Pollo Polo For Adults – It’s amazing what could go down on the field of play as chickens with Spanish surnames gallop for glory astride Belgian mounts full of oats and thistle. Resembles the classic kids’ Pollo Polo with the addition of depraved sexual innuendo, outright cheating and curious fowl language piped in on CD Ram. Board game or screen-proof software. Includes eggs, feathers, beaks and scoopers. Clucking available where appropriate. Easy clean-up with biodegradable electronic prod. Do you know someone who’s sick of the hype in professional sports? They’re sure to quack over this gem. About 60 cordobas with starter jiggers of cortisone. Rules in Italian only.
Chunnel # 5 – This meddlesome fragrance blends the international flair of below ground rush hour emissions from Calais to Dover with Friday night cod bakes on the English Channel. Versatile uses include blueprint fixer, nose hair removal tonic and seductive fish bait elixir. Each sampling comes wrapped in recycled mohair with a derby cap. Just like the fermented syrup given to milk maids in lieu of Hershey Bars after the Normandy invasion. In French with subtitles. About $40 per ounce at Stiff Upper Lips and We Shoot Shoplifters Gallery. (See Photo) Romance beckons with Chunnel.
Religious Intolerance Wind Chimes – A cousin to the popular Religious Intolerance Coffee Mugs that sold like wildfire last Christmas. Themes include Bells of the Spanish Inquisition, Impact Puritanism in New England, Short-Circuit Manifest Destiny, Pol Pot’s Jungle Gym and Serbian Voodoo Harmony. $500 in diverted Swiss gold. $200 in loathing silver.
Po’ Boy Smoked New Orleans Saints – A perfect appetizer for the bungler on your list since the head and the tail are going in two different directions at all times. Stuffed with clichés from leading sports broadcasters. Clever caricature of Drew Breeze on the front says Open Me First despite common consensus that just one whiff can stink up the entire Super Dome. I hear dat. Serve with schooners of Dixie and garnish with plain brown paper head accessories. Priced to move at $10 w/Fleur-de-Lis Card or will trade for gator bait.
Ancestral Map of South Central Los Angeles – Why risk going out at night in this neighborhood when you can have the complete diagram of all the action right there on the wall. In living color although life expectancy itself is smaller than imagined. This full color map is the perfect gift for the person who thinks he has it tough. Comes with stick-up pins, drive-by molding, trimmed in mindless crack cocaine. Implanted red lights go on and off whenever a person of color hits the street. Next to impossible maze shows the way out of a place where taxi cabs don’t go after 3 pm. Available at all Beer For Breakfast Outlets and at the Holy Democracy Mall. Price negotiable.
Election Year Promises Toilet Paper and Dispenser – Now there’s finally something worthwhile reading for the private times. Although the copy may become tedious, repetitious, be assured that every major candidate from the Twentieth Century is represented. Remember when Theodore Roosevelt promised that he’s shave his mustache if elected? What about burly William Howard Taft pledging to lose weight if sent to the White House? Who could forget Cal Coolidge and the Chicken in Every Pot pronouncement. Herbert Hoover promised to revive the economy and FDR swore he’d keep us out of war. The list goes on embracing Richard Nixon’s campaign covenant to “get us out of Vietnam” and Walter Mondale’s “Where’s the Beef” embarrassment. Purchase before December 24 and receive bonus gift: Bill Clinton’s Election Year Promises, which are chronicled on a separate family-size roll. Obama available in 2017. Dispenser comes in genuine 14-K pyrite. $15 per roll at most Annoying Gift Boutiques and at Brawl Marts.
19th Century Wyoming Family (Pictured) Sick of your family? Buy one from the Equality State. Grandma, grandpa, cousins, uncles and aunts all come already assembled. Wardrobes, insurance policies, retirement benefits, college educations and weekly meal allotments slightly more. Some with garages. Work out payment plan.
Automotive Satellite Dish – Do you know someone who likes to watch TV while they drive through rush hour? Well, your search could be over! Buy them a reception dish for the top of their vehicle. Won’t the neighbors be jealous when they see this baby in the driveway. Use it as a lightening rod. Take pictures beside it. Teach it to take the dog for a walk. Hang laundry off it. Fits monster trucks. Movie channels included. $45,000 firm at Castle Creek Guitars in Gunnison and at major electronic retailers (Pictured)
Cheeseburger replica health food bars – Gingko and Taurine content. Prescribed by Doogie Houser on his canceled TV show. Herbal kielbasa flash cards help users pick the right bar for the right exercise. Box of ten lasts 20 years. Skiers: What a delicious change from the tofu hot dog wagon! Hold your nose…Down the hatch. You’ll be glad you’re alive. $39.95 per package.
Wireless tuna locator and bona fide bean grill – Baja bound? Who ants to spend all day out catching dinner? Now a panga boat full of landlubbers can haul in trophy tuna in just minutes with the Wireless! Synthetic bait and chumming buddy make the entire experience aroma free. Bean grill works every time at barbecues where the fare is sparse. Free RV insignia earrings with purchase at the East Cape Smoke House in Los Barriles. $2500
E-Mail rectal thermometer – Got a sickly computer geek on your shopping list? This may look like a joke gift at first but a survey of purchasers confirms that it gets even more use than the nuclear butter dish and the peanut shell slippers from last Christmas. Buy the gift that is used with regularity. $19.99 at Emil Retentive Super Stores and Yuppie Palace.
Salem Witch File – Just like the ones used in bonfire rituals by the righteous folk back in early Massachusetts. Warning: Contains 17% frankincense and 3% myrrh. Metaphysical handle allows for easy grasp. Several easily attached sizes effective for an assortment of religious persecutions. Convenient case for the close-minded and terribly frightened. $7.99 at Cromwell’s and most spiritually corrupt hardware outlets.
“I Ching – What’s Your Name T-Shirt – The Rage in Hong Kong. Tye-Dyed. Reversible “I’m from Atlantis-Isn’t Everyone? on the other side. How clever. Sold at all Eat Shirt Stores and Shirt For Brains Boutiques. Overpriced at $15.
Elegant Lady Ski Run Eye Shadow – Let friends and lovers cruise the slopes in style if not with grace this holiday with their very own magnetic cosmetic fanny pack full of simulated ski run eye shadow. Names like Coonskin Blue, Upper Forest Chartreuse, Jokerville Wild, Apex Allure, Yellow Brick Charivari and the quasi-popular Orchidaceous Plunge will keep them blinking under the goggles. Guaranteed not to run like cheap Nordic mascara. Cryptic lipstick available in most shades. Normally $20 per quart but far cheaper in bulk at all Face Plant Stores and Primary Donna’s Boutiques.
Nuclear Micro-Brew Cell Phone Bingo Fax Lunch Box– Made of one part tupperware – two parts strawberry jello this could be the perfect gift for the person who craves technology or mixes business with pleasure. Bingo mode functional only on weekends. Lunch box doubles as roladex on command. Pilsner cell phone comes in three colors and is washable. Warning: Consumers are responsible for the removal of all nuclear waste generated from the operation of this device. $250.00 at Cheyenne Mountain Mall or look for further dealers next to “abandoned nuclear submarines” in the Jello Pages.
Books and Music Galore...The long awaited Death Row Cookbook has arrived along with The 48th Highlanders Pipe and Drum Corps Tribute to Lou Reed. Most stores are taking orders for The Vulgar Crossword Companion. Other anthologies include the coffee table version of the best selling Israeli Golan Heights Urban Renewal and Demolition Guide and the cultist The Autobiography of Gabby Hayes featuring a dynamic soft cover commemorative version woven from Hayes’ very own beard.
– H.L. Menocken, Holiday reveler
Yes, its snow…
A mailbox stands guard awaiting its lunch. Snow and foggy weather makes the San Juan mountains invisible from downtown Colona. (December 15, 2015)
ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY
We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to unruffle a few feathers once more.
First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of Melvin Toole hanging Christmas lights at the one of our many local prisons.
Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens who, in most cases, seem to be able to handle three sheets to the wind without incident.
Implications that Groppo’s pathetic physical stature and “diminutive” mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetles, Twinkies and swamp grass digested while growing up in Kenner, Louisiana, is true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian, who went missing in the bayou in 1968.
Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are unfounded and illegal. We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.
Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide. – Editor
Polo Norte Residentes Caliente Bajo Cuello
Estrés de las fiestas se cobra su peaje
(Canada Ocupada – Estrellas Y Hombres Sabios – 15 de diciembre, 2015)
(Prince of Whales Island) No podría haber llegado en un momento más difícil. Navidad estaba en el aire, los plazos fueron clavados en la pared. La crisis de vacaciones fue respirando en el cuello de los elfos y renos, de mismo Santa. Eso es probablemente lo hizo.
Todo comenzó cuando Red Sayles anunciado renos en el menú sobre el Ártico Cafe. Se jactaba de renos frito, estofado de reno, incluso renos escalloped. Se supone que es una broma, para aclarar las cosas antes de la locura de Acción de Gracias, pero fracasó. Líneas de renos piquetes lugar de rojo, no sólo la interrupción de su comercio lucrativo pero causando un vacío en la fuerza de trabajo local sobre en el granero trineo.
La palabra es que Red no va a acabar con los signos y los rebaños seguir protestando su falta de sensibilidad política. Él no ha vendido sólo algunos de los elementos destacados tampoco.
Por supuesto, si los equipos musculares navideño no tienen suficientes quebraderos de cabeza, su líder autoimpuesta, Rudolph, es víctima de viajes del ego recurrentes. Al parecer, ha tratado de conseguir su compañero de renos a jurar lealtad al rey Rudolf. Él ha formado un sistema de silbatos y espejos con el fin de mostrar mejor su nariz, y él insiste en aterrizar primero en todas y cada techo, de modo que sea el tema principal de visualización trineo de cada niño.
“Es bastante malo que tenemos que transportar el chico de grasa alrededor de toda la noche”, dijo Prancer, un reno de voz suave, de género no identificado.
“Entonces tenemos que escuchar a Rudolph dando órdenes. Es suficiente para hacerme volver a trabajar en los campos de la tundra “.
Los renos no son los únicos molestos con el tamaño de Santa.
“Hey, no es como que pagamos de primera clase para los paseos en trineo”, dijo Groppo, un elfo de bajo grado “, ni tampoco es una cuestión de pasar la noche la entrega de regalos con el viejo pedo. Es sólo que se ocupa tanto espacio una vez a bordo. No hay espacio para los presentes así que tenemos que seguir el trineo principal alrededor con trineos que orbitan más pequeños. Además, nos pasamos mucho tiempo probando su trineo para la seguridad. Funciona muy bien cuando él no está bogging cosas “.
Muchos elfos insisten en que Santa no escucharlos.
“Sólo porque nos gusta la perforación del cuerpo y fuman cigarrillos (94% de los elfos fuman al menos cuatro paquetes de cigarrillos por día) le da la espalda a nosotros. Nos instalamos con las compañías tabacaleras. Papá (él mismo un elfo, aunque una habitación para no fumadores) consiguió su pedazo del pastel “, continuó Groppo.
“Sin duda ha notado cómo la televisión retrata el macho americano medio como un estúpido, loco de fútbol, infantil, ovejas sobrepeso, suburbano? Papá nos hace pasar a otras culturas o menos de la misma manera que sólo él nos pinta con jugo de tabaco en la barbilla, anillos en la nariz, y una pinta en nuestros bolsillos traseros. No es así, no en estos días de todos modos. Se cree que es el gran kahuna, el don, el rey nórdico. Bueno, no lo es. nada más que un elfo que estaba en el lugar correcto en el momento adecuado “.
Otros elfos decir la cuña con Santa tiene que ver con resultados de exámenes pobres.
“Claro nuestros resultados de las pruebas son desde hace unos años, pero la mayoría de nosotros tenemos que mantener un segundo trabajo para sobrevivir. Me entrego pizzas. Mis hijos trabajan en el lavado de autos. Mi hermano lleva a los turistas para paseos en motos de nieve “, dijo Rasputín, un elfo flaco de barba oscura y ojos pequeños y brillantes.
“La mayoría de nosotros ni siquiera pueden pagar un pase de esquí, aunque las zonas de esquí están ubicados en tierras públicas”, añadió un tercer duende, llamada Elsie. “Estábamos acostumbrados a colarse en los ascensores disfrazados de niños, pero las voces más profundas y el vello facial que nos regalan estos días. Incluso nosotras. ”
– Cachemira Herradura
A Bad Dream Fulfilled
As you all know our beloved Broncos’ offense took a powder, and little else, in a disastrous loss to the barely there Oakland Raiders Sunday. I realize that it is just a game and all really stupid but I was disappointed and offended by the masquerade that took place most every time the Broncos had the ball.
Please, Gary have them throw the ball down (the field) before we throw up. The constipated offensive scheme is not working. Where was the offensive line? How many dropped passes. How many fumbled punts?
For the offense: a most poorly coached and played game in front of God and fans. The second half effort should be filmed and marketed as a sleep aid for insomniacs. For the talented defense: another spoonful of frustration and fatigue.
Many of us discovered on the high school gridiron that launching the ball way the hell down the filed opens up options for the running game. Duh.
How do you expect to compete with Pittsburgh next weekend?
Closing quips: RAIDERS ASK FANS TO CEASE AND DESIST
Gothic-Pro Wrestler mentality does not help the team says ghost of Al Davis: “I may have been in need of a shampoo but you people “are fecking freaks of nature”
