All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Colorado Christmas Corner
Bite the frosty head off that crippled skeleton of ice. Breathe on it and ask for warmth. Ski it down and down and down to the heights of jubilation. Waking after a night’s full onslaught to exploding ice-caked mornings. Brew with pine green, blue sky and brown soil . Snow, wood and blue. (December 24, 2015)
Christmas Eve Blowout Feared
(Colona, Colorado — December 23, 2015)
Rogue elements of the Elves’ Angels sleigh gang have pledged to go ahead with a decadent rendezvous slated for Christmas Eve it was reported this morning. The elves, normally engaged in Santa-assist duties this time of the year, are apparently blowing off legendary responsibilities in favor of the bash, or blowout as they call the annual debauchery.
“We know how these little pixies get when they drink,” flexed one Log Hill resident who is primed for trouble. “Last year they held up traffic and started bonfires all over town. What happened to the charming little sprites who used to roast chestnuts over an open fire and all that?”
Last year motorists where constantly harassed along Highway 550 as the evil brownies sought funding for their sinful display. Several drivers were forced out of their cars and into the cold December night by the foul smelling elves.
Sleigh gangs from the North Pole and Canada are expected to descend on the peaceful burg on about December 22 with the revelry screeching into the new year. Looting is expected.
“New Year’s Eve would be a good time to stay away from the downtown strip,” said the rifle wielding local. “That’s when we plan to match muscle for muscle. We’ve had enough of their crap.”
– Warren of Wexley
Santa Claus Canadian
(London, Ontario — The Shocking But True Account — Dec 22, 2015)
The red-clad father of Christmas has admitted his Canadian ancestry today much to the dismay of millions of fans south of the border in the United States.
Humbug.
“We are stunned,” said a spokesman for retailers here. “Why would he mislead us? Why would he impersonate himself in such a cruel way? He should be punished!”
For centuries Santa Claus was considered to be a product of the U.S. since his trademark image was created by people like Thomas Nast, Clarence Horning, Frank Leslie and Winslow Homer. Despite these presumptions the elf’s continued insistence that he reside at the brutal North Pole and his long association with Canada should have indicated a rat.
“People would prefer to gloss over the reality of a situation rather than consider all the possibilities,” said social scientist Margaret Swede of Cal Polygamy, a visiting scholar here. “Why do they think the Canadian kids always got their presents first? He’s been a rabid fan of the Maple Leafs since the first power play. He even goes to Rough Rider’s games. That in itself shows substantial instability.”
What this disclosure will do to Christmas down in the colonies is not known but former Presidential candidate Al Gore has bravely offered to fill in until a new Santa is appointed, or the old one is exonerated.
“Santa has mislead us for too long,” continued Swede. “Even liberal academia will be slow to forgive him for this ruthless act.”
As an acting Canadian, Santa is also a subject of the crown (Britain) which may not go down well in Fenian circles.
“His mother was a Murphy,” added Swede. “Ahh but don’t they forget the ould sod when they make a few quid across the sea.”
After the holidays the United States will consider economic sanctions against the Commonwealth of Canada for harboring the bearded fraud.
– Suzie Compost
Bethlehem Innkeepers Still Jerks
(Jerusalem — Tel Aviv-Gaza Evening Post — December 21, 2015)
We arrived at Quo Vadis International at around midday on a hot desert afternoon and waited an hour for a rickety bus to the tiny village of Bethlehem. All around us stood Israeli soldiers armed to the teeth geared up for who knew what.
It was mid-week during the slow tourist season in the Holy Land and subsequently we had made no lodging arrangements. With the legacy of rude innkeepers on our Biblical minds we boarded the bus and headed out toward the evening’s destination.
In about 40 minutes the bus pulled up to a nice enough adobe-type hotel on the outskirts of Bethlehem. Several Americans departed to inquire about lodging for the night. The bus driver was more than happy to wait knowing we would return in no time. He smirked. The innkeeper apologized but insisted she had no rooms even though there were no people in the lobby and no cars in the massive parking lot. We traveled further.
The next potential oasis was the center of the village itself. The bus driver giggled and pulled over to the side of the road. This time to hotel was outwardly obnoxious. The clerk there ridiculed us for not making reservations beforehand, muttering something in broken Arabic as he slammed the shutters and turned off the welcome light.
We were quickly back in out seats and rolling down the highway again.
One fellow traveler, from Marseille scoffed at the rude behavior saying these hoteliers had inherited their bad attitude from Roman times when the accommodation charade first began.
“On my last trip here,” he began, “ I solicited ten hotels before retiring to a vacant barn on the outskirts of Bethlehem. We then decided to dispense with all the tomfoolery and follow suit. Unfortunately upon our arrival it became clear that someone else had beaten us to the punch.
A young family with a newborn had taken over the digs. The three were surrounded by some hastily arranged livestock and some strange looking royals from another planet They appeared to be preparing some nomadic dinner. We found a place in the corner and dropped our gear.
“Hey Joe, are there any decent restaurants around here,” I asked the father figure who sat by the slowly dying embers in the shadowed regions of the old barn.
(Continued on page 66)
EGGNOG CHOWDER
HOLIDAY cash flow problems got you down. Send us your cash…We can make it flow. Armageddon Plumbing and Heating
Kittens for Christmas! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come New Years and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2016. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1100); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty. 3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed for some of that ambience. No checks. No Irish.
We will continue to enforce the standing moratorium on arts and crafts booths inside Eisenhower Tunnel through spring. Status and validity of produce and fish shacks will be determined by demand . No more warnings. CDOT.
Looking for athletic man or woman to jump out of Cadillac traveling at speeds up to 75 miles per hour. Automatic transmission, power steering included. Good pay. Bathtub Speedway.
For sale: One shiny red sleigh without the eight tiny reindeer. The thing crashed on my land and my freezer was empty. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, Bub. Carmichael Enterprises, Log Hill Mesa.
Wooden teeth, pornographic jello molds, plutonium money clips, aluminum palm trees, cloth birds, personalized pine cones. Will not break up sets. Great gifts. Pat Rat’s Emporium, Manana.
If you survive Christmas Brunch, I’ll buy you Christmas dinner. December 26 only. Grady’s Gravy Heaven. Not associated with Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon or Taco Hell. (Published December 20, 2015 Eggnog Chowder.
Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.
Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy January.
Needed: Rare adjectives, articles, pronouns and colloquialisms for going newsletter. Cash paid daily. See Mr. White at the Indian Massacre Holiday Inn between 10 am and 2 pm any day but today. Sorry, we are not accepting adverbs. American Word Brokers, Tacoma.
Will trade nuclear secrets for cup of rice. Contact Ping Pong Moon in Pyongyang.
Support Wireless Border Security today and keep those people out. Just because your families came from somewhere else doesn’t mean we need any more foreigners in this country. Support the Trump-Cruz Solution. Join a boy scout militia near you now!
Heloise: Please call Abelard on the Pope’s cell phone. Eggnog chowder on Tuesdays only.
Safe Cracking Seminar: Holiday bills got you down already? Do something about it. Learn to break into safes, skirt security alarms, leap tall buildings at a single bound…Testosterone Brothers Financial. We have answers for you!
Televisions surgically removed from your home. Painless out-patient surgery by TV doctors. Post-operative therapy included. Expanded Definition Pest Control of Colona.
Hey Santa: Yo dude.
Why kill a turkey or a pig for Christmas dinner when fish sticks are already dead? Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Cahone.
Recovering Born Agains: Rid yourself of spiritual parasites without denial, powder or counseling. In only three minutes per day you can talk yourself out of what you talked yourself into in the first place. Make sense? Send cash contribution to Lestor Ribald. I am in league with the devil and the deep blue sea. – ad paid for by The Bogeyperson.
Hunt buffalo right from your seat. Weekly tours. Amtrak. We’re in the Jello Pages.
Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good only till Christmas Eve. Rudolph.
Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your gift list. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Montrose Books and Gargoyles.
2016 calendars. Could be worth millions if the world ends before 2017. Cash only.
Who took my Lou Reed VD from the Gag Me With a Spoon Saloon on Friday night? Give it back or I’ll cut you real bad. Flower, Norwood.
Christian swingers meets at Salvation Creek in Ridgway every Wednesday until something else develops. Bring your own rope.
Is your dog smarter than you? Close the credibility gap with secret night classes aimed at helping you catch up. Common sense, general knowledge, survival, adaptability, logic. Respond: Dogs Who Love Tequila, Wimpton.
Need person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday until spring. Applicant must have valid driver’s license and submit to simple vision test. No mystics. Demonstrated ability to get along with long-term clientele is a plus. Stop by in person (turn right at the dead end) and ask for Mr. Curtains.
Final scores: Silverton Hypochondria 5, Myopic Fields 4; Meade 12, Dog Fowl 0. More on the men’s room wall.
NORTH POLE RESIDENTS HOT UNDER COLLAR
Holiday stress takes its toll
(Prince of Whales Island) It couldn’t have come at a more difficult time. Christmas was in the air, deadlines were nailed on the wall. The holiday crunch was breathing down the necks of elves and reindeer, of Santa himself. That’s probably what did it.
It all started when Red Sayles advertised reindeer on the menu over at the Arctic Cafe. He bragged about fried reindeer, reindeer stew, even escalloped reindeer. It was supposed to be a joke, to lighten things up prior to the Thanksgiving madness but it backfired. Lines of reindeer picketed Red’s place, not only disrupting his lucrative trade but causing a void in the local work force over at the sleigh barn.
The word is that Red won’t take down the signs and the herds continue to protest his political insensitivities. He hasn’t sold but a few of the featured items either.
Of course, if the Yuletide muscle teams don’t have enough to worry about, their self-imposed leader, Rudolph, is victim to reoccurring ego trips. He has apparently attempted to get his fellow reindeer to pledge allegiance to King Rudolf. He has fashioned a system of whistles and mirrors so as to better show off his nose, and he insists on landing first on each and every roof, so as to be the primary subject of every child’s sleigh viewing.
“It’s bad enough we have to haul the fat boy around all night,” said Prancer, a soft-spoken reindeer, of unidentified gender. “Then we have to listen to Rudolph giving orders. It’s enough to make me go back to work in the tundra fields.”
The reindeer aren’t the only ones upset with the size of Santa.
“Hey, it’s not like we pay first class for sleigh rides,” said Groppo, an elf of low degree, “nor is it a matter of spending the night delivering presents with the old fart. It’s just that he takes up so much room once aboard. There’s no room for presents so we have to follow the main sleigh around with smaller orbiting sleighs. Besides, we spend a lot of time testing his sleigh for safety. It operates great when he’s not bogging things down.”
Many elves insist that Santa doesn’t listen to them.
“Just because we like body piercing and smoke cigarettes (94% of elves smoke at least four packs of cigarettes per day) he turns his back on us. We settled with the tobacco companies. Santa (himself an elf, though a non-smoking one) got his piece of the pie,” continued Groppo.
“You’ve no doubt noticed how television portrays the average American male as an overweight, stupid, football mad, infantile, suburban sheep? Santa passes us off to other cultures in much the same way only he paints us with tobacco juice on our chins, rings in our noses, and a pint in our back pockets. It’s not so, not these days anyway. He thinks he’s the big kahuna, the don, the Norse king. Well, he ain’t. nothin’ but an elf who was in the right place at the right time.”
Other elves say the wedge with Santa has to do with poor test scores.
“Sure our test scores are down from a few years ago but most of us have to keep a second job to survive. I deliver pizzas. My kids work at the car wash. My brother takes tourists for snowmobile rides,” said Rasputin, a skinny elf with a dark beard and beady eyes.
“Most of us can’t even afford a ski pass even though the ski areas are located on public lands,” added a third elf, named Elsie. “We used to sneak on to the lifts disguised as kids but deeper voices and facial hair give us away these days. Even us girls.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
