Under The Tree ’15

As has become tradition The San Juan Horseshoe is almost pleased to bring you this year’s compilation of innovative gifts for friends and family. Even the cynical recipient will agree that the following roster overrides a more tedious, humdrum collection of mall rat items, last minute shopping network lunges and precocious attempts at satisfying the holiday libido. More than likely all of these kinds of offerings are predestined for the trash or the toilet bowl just as soon as the giver is out of sight or earshot.

Herein peruse a colorful dung heap of benevolent boons that, if not endearing are enduring.

These carefully selected sugarplum diversions and brightly wrapped glitter are sure to jingle someone’s bells come Christmas morning. Go ahead, know-it-all, look for bonanzas such as these in Warren and Susie’s Wisconsin Cheese and Meat Flyer or in your local idiot-compatible discount armory. Search the blender aisle. Examine the cans of mace. Plow through the personal hygiene corridor. You will only find devastating disappointment by mail and/or the usual be-smocked clerk that doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if you drop dead on the way to the checkout stand. Merry Christmas.

SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2016!

Cordon Bleu Pollo Polo For Adults – It’s amazing what could go down on the field of play as chickens with Spanish surnames gallop for glory astride Belgian mounts full of oats and thistle. Resembles the classic kids’ Pollo Polo with the addition of depraved sexual innuendo, outright cheating and curious fowl language piped in on CD Ram. Board game or screen-proof software. Includes eggs, feathers, beaks and scoopers. Clucking available where appropriate. Easy clean-up with biodegradable electronic prod. Do you know someone who’s sick of the hype in professional sports? They’re sure to quack over this gem. About 60 cordobas with starter jiggers of cortisone. Rules in Italian only.

Chunnel # 5 – This meddlesome fragrance blends the international flair of below ground rush hour emissions from Calais to Dover with Friday night cod bakes on the English Channel. Versatile uses include blueprint fixer, nose hair removal tonic and seductive fish bait elixir. Each sampling comes wrapped in recycled mohair with a derby cap. Just like the fermented syrup given to milk maids in lieu of Hershey Bars after the Normandy invasion. In French with subtitles. About $40 per ounce at Stiff Upper Lips and We Shoot Shoplifters Gallery. (See Photo) Romance beckons with Chunnel.

Religious Intolerance Wind Chimes – A cousin to the popular Religious Intolerance Coffee Mugs that sold like wildfire last Christmas. Themes include Bells of the Spanish Inquisition, Impact Puritanism in New England, Short-Circuit Manifest Destiny, Pol Pot’s Jungle Gym and Serbian Voodoo Harmony. $500 in diverted Swiss gold. $200 in loathing silver.

Po’ Boy Smoked New Orleans Saints – A perfect appetizer for the bungler on your list since the head and the tail are going in two different directions at all times. Stuffed with clichés from leading sports broadcasters. Clever caricature of Drew Breeze on the front says Open Me First despite common consensus that just one whiff can stink up the entire Super Dome. I hear dat. Serve with schooners of Dixie and garnish with plain brown paper head accessories. Priced to move at $10 w/Fleur-de-Lis Card or will trade for gator bait.

Ancestral Map of South Central Los Angeles – Why risk going out at night in this neighborhood when you can have the complete diagram of all the action right there on the wall. In living color although life expectancy itself is smaller than imagined. This full color map is the perfect gift for the person who thinks he has it tough. Comes with stick-up pins, drive-by molding, trimmed in mindless crack cocaine. Implanted red lights go on and off whenever a person of color hits the street. Next to impossible maze shows the way out of a place where taxi cabs don’t go after 3 pm. Available at all Beer For Breakfast Outlets and at the Holy Democracy Mall. Price negotiable.

Election Year Promises Toilet Paper and Dispenser – Now there’s finally something worthwhile reading for the private times. Although the copy may become tedious, repetitious, be assured that every major candidate from the Twentieth Century is represented. Remember when Theodore Roosevelt promised that he’s shave his mustache if elected? What about burly William Howard Taft pledging to lose weight if sent to the White House? Who could forget Cal Coolidge and the Chicken in Every Pot pronouncement. Herbert Hoover promised to revive the economy and FDR swore he’d keep us out of war. The list goes on embracing Richard Nixon’s campaign covenant to “get us out of Vietnam” and Walter Mondale’s “Where’s the Beef” embarrassment. Purchase before December 24 and receive bonus gift: Bill Clinton’s Election Year Promises, which are chronicled on a separate family-size roll. Obama available in 2017. Dispenser comes in genuine 14-K pyrite. $15 per roll at most Annoying Gift Boutiques and at Brawl Marts.

19th Century Wyoming Family (Pictured) Sick of your family? Buy one from the Equality State. Grandma, grandpa, cousins, uncles and aunts all come already assembled. Wardrobes, insurance policies, retirement benefits, college educations and weekly meal allotments slightly more. Some with garages. Work out payment plan.

Automotive Satellite Dish – Do you know someone who likes to watch TV while they drive through rush hour? Well, your search could be over! Buy them a reception dish for the top of their vehicle. Won’t the neighbors be jealous when they see this baby in the driveway. Use it as a lightening rod. Take pictures beside it. Teach it to take the dog for a walk. Hang laundry off it. Fits monster trucks. Movie channels included. $45,000 firm at Castle Creek Guitars in Gunnison and at major electronic retailers (Pictured)

Cheeseburger replica health food bars – Gingko and Taurine content. Prescribed by Doogie Houser on his canceled TV show. Herbal kielbasa flash cards help users pick the right bar for the right exercise. Box of ten lasts 20 years. Skiers: What a delicious change from the tofu hot dog wagon! Hold your nose…Down the hatch. You’ll be glad you’re alive. $39.95 per package.

Wireless tuna locator and bona fide bean grill – Baja bound? Who ants to spend all day out catching dinner? Now a panga boat full of landlubbers can haul in trophy tuna in just minutes with the Wireless! Synthetic bait and chumming buddy make the entire experience aroma free. Bean grill works every time at barbecues where the fare is sparse. Free RV insignia earrings with purchase at the East Cape Smoke House in Los Barriles. $2500

E-Mail rectal thermometer – Got a sickly computer geek on your shopping list? This may look like a joke gift at first but a survey of purchasers confirms that it gets even more use than the nuclear butter dish and the peanut shell slippers from last Christmas. Buy the gift that is used with regularity. $19.99 at Emil Retentive Super Stores and Yuppie Palace.

Salem Witch File – Just like the ones used in bonfire rituals by the righteous folk back in early Massachusetts. Warning: Contains 17% frankincense and 3% myrrh. Metaphysical handle allows for easy grasp. Several easily attached sizes effective for an assortment of religious persecutions. Convenient case for the close-minded and terribly frightened. $7.99 at Cromwell’s and most spiritually corrupt hardware outlets.

“I Ching – What’s Your Name T-Shirt – The Rage in Hong Kong. Tye-Dyed. Reversible “I’m from Atlantis-Isn’t Everyone? on the other side. How clever. Sold at all Eat Shirt Stores and Shirt For Brains Boutiques. Overpriced at $15.

Elegant Lady Ski Run Eye Shadow – Let friends and lovers cruise the slopes in style if not with grace this holiday with their very own magnetic cosmetic fanny pack full of simulated ski run eye shadow. Names like Coonskin Blue, Upper Forest Chartreuse, Jokerville Wild, Apex Allure, Yellow Brick Charivari and the quasi-popular Orchidaceous Plunge will keep them blinking under the goggles. Guaranteed not to run like cheap Nordic mascara. Cryptic lipstick available in most shades. Normally $20 per quart but far cheaper in bulk at all Face Plant Stores and Primary Donna’s Boutiques.

Nuclear Micro-Brew Cell Phone Bingo Fax Lunch Box– Made of one part tupperware – two parts strawberry jello this could be the perfect gift for the person who craves technology or mixes business with pleasure. Bingo mode functional only on weekends. Lunch box doubles as roladex on command. Pilsner cell phone comes in three colors and is washable. Warning: Consumers are responsible for the removal of all nuclear waste generated from the operation of this device. $250.00 at Cheyenne Mountain Mall or look for further dealers next to “abandoned nuclear submarines” in the Jello Pages.

Books and Music Galore...The long awaited Death Row Cookbook has arrived along with The 48th Highlanders Pipe and Drum Corps Tribute to Lou Reed. Most stores are taking orders for The Vulgar Crossword Companion. Other anthologies include the coffee table version of the best selling Israeli Golan Heights Urban Renewal and Demolition Guide and the cultist The Autobiography of Gabby Hayes featuring a dynamic soft cover commemorative version woven from Hayes’ very own beard.

– H.L. Menocken, Holiday reveler