All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"

Yule Jewel Astrograph

(Mañana, Colorado   Yuletide Crier and Whiner   DEC 13, 2015)

General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations. Go ahead now and open your presents.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are strictly summer concoctions and should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Learn to juggle ideologies and balance an opinion on the end of your nose.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Peace on Earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Cows in the corn.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Cleveland Heights tonight.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: In preference to rolls, skip the chips.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. There’s nobody out jogging at two in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Tonight: Spend time with a social parasite.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your good humor and charisma are getting old. Try the scrooge approach that way people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas.You will perform best today by staying out of the mainstream. Buying people off could be better than putting them on. An old lover will hit you with a wrought iron cane or bamboo rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of cold oatmeal. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along a choreographer. Confusion reigns and that’s lucky for you since it is one of the only things you are good at. Tonight: Academic strolls down primrose lane.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Dreams of travel should not be chronicled by sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Tonight: Keep eating fruitcake.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy, early morning trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of rap music.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for fireworks on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and Christmas cards altogether. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A fish has his fins on you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 20 yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, punting too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. Tonight: Drinking to excess has always been an option

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilette paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle. Tonight: Swoon.

Deceased Motorists Chalk Up Big Wins

(Delta — Sawmill Mesa Courier — December 12, 2015)

Downwind from Grand Mesa and across the Gunnison Spillway departed motorists are celebrating tonight. After a landslide victory at the polls they will not only be able to retain a driver’s license in the beyond but will be allowed to operate private transportation (automobiles) during daylight hours in secure areas here on earth.

Secure areas include Delta County and most of the West End in Montrose County.

Amendment Number 611 assures that deceased drivers have access to the highways when others are not using them and will not be required to carry car insurance. Even the ruthless insurance cartels have not figured out how to extract monthly payments from the pork barrel of the hereafter.

In addition to these newly secured rights our departed fellows are not obliged to honor traffic lights, stop signs, speed limits, crosswalks or other obsessive, and often confusing limitations imposed by gov’ment.

Many of these “already landed” motorists can be identified by the easily discernable VL on their Colorado license plates and the glazed look plastered across their mugs as they drift across that big yellow line in the sky.

Next time: “Skinny Roads and Fat Drivers”

Google Acquires Yahoo, Amazon

(Hillbilly Heaven — Hootin’ Holler Times — December 11, 2015)

With the purchase of Yahoo this week, near-do-well Barney Google is now in firm control of the three of the largest Internet concerns on the planet. The new media/web baron, “with the Goo Goo Googly Eyes” had little comment on the takeovers saying only that the entire experience was “bodacious”.

Most of you out there in Readerland probably don’t remember Barney Google, a somewhat shiftless comic strip character obsessed with horse racing, poker and prizefights. Google first appeared on the sports page of the Chicago Herald & Examiner in 1919. He shared top billing with Snuffy Smith (pronounced Smif in Hootin’ Holler) in the comics for decades only to be overshadowed by Snuffy, Loweezy, Jughaid and Tater by the 50s.

Dining with Smith/Smif (a known chicken thief) and his beloved racehorse named Spark Plug Google could only smile at the developments raging around him. Thousands of employees to guide, millions of dollars on the table, brutal competition and newly unleashed power did not appear to faze him as he sipped tea with his favorites including his faithful nag, Spark Plug, who was given special dispensation to join the party a the often ostentatious Seneca Village Tavern in Manhattan’s Central Park.

Google will remain in New York long enough to sign papers and talk to bankers before returning to more comfortable environs of his Southern Appalachian hamlet in the Smokey Mountains.

“Balls of fire!” exclaimed Smith when told Google would invest 10% of all future earnings in corn licker enterprises, one of Snuffy’s fiscal pursuits. “Them revenooers ain’t gonna catch me this time. Now I’m bona fide.”

For further research see: The Google is a water monster that prowls gardens at night. A Google is also a very large number (usually associated with money or currency)

Celebrity Tour Popular Diversion

(Ridgway, CO     Miller Mesa Moon and Stars     December 10, 2015)

The 2015 Cow Creek Celebrity Tour has been well received and will expand in 2016. Over 20 celebrities, new to the area, have already signed up to view the homes of carpenters, plumbers, masseuses, cowboys and teachers in Ouray County.

The weekend experience is expected to give celebrities (many of whom are self-crowned) a chance to see how mere mortals live their lives. Organizers hope the visits will give the celebrities a peek at acceptable mountains fashion, interior design and culinary preferences in the Rockies.

“That was the first time I’ve ever been in a trailer,” said one sweet young arrival from California. “They’re nice.”

Coming autograph sessions will allow everyone to rub elbows after touring Ridgway Hardware, Billings, Rocky Mountain Jewelry and Alternative Power Enterprises. These leading businesses will offer wine and cheese and encourage conversation between the two entities.

Maps to the local’s homes are available at the local chamber of comments as well as through The New Chinese Theater, Dogs Are Profitable and the Integrated Shelter for Telluride Refugees, which is under construction above the water treatment plant on Domka Avenue.

“Things were rough around here before all the celebrities showed up,” said one old timer from his rocker at the Cookie Tree Saddle Shop. “But now we’re all saved.” – Mario Swervo

Senior Toole Approaching Tierra del Fuego

(El Bolson, Argentina Hielo y Mas Hielo December 9, 2015)

Former high wire great and often arrogant daredevil, Melvin Toole, is reportedly within 400 km, roughly 250 miles, of South America’s southern termination point at Tierra del Fuego.

The oft-thought foolish Toole, 96, as almost everyone knows by now, is orchestrating the world’s longest, as well as the highest altitude hot air balloon journey. Leaving from Dead Horse, Alaska in May he has successfully traversed the Rockies and a good chunk of the Andes on his windy sojourn. He hopes to set a slew of records which this newspaper will undress when he lands.
Due in part to a hasty departure supplies began running short before the balloon was really off he ground.

Aerial photo of the ground (somewhere in Patagonia) from 38,000 feet

“We ran out of water somewhere over eastern Montana,” explained the pilot. “Hey, I was pretty exited. This is my first solo (flight). I’ll pay closer attention next time.”

If there is a next time Toole says he will confine his take-offs and landings to vacant lots, golf corpses and waste dumps preferring to stay a little closer to home.

“It’s the running that gets to me,” he said. “The takeoff requires that I achieve a minimal ground speed before I leap. My knees are shot and I don’t have the torque I had when I was 80.”

When asked in a grounded interview why he would risk his life, forego creature comforts and expose himself to the elements it such a stark manner he smiled.

“The adventure of it – firmly entrenched in our popular culture! The quest to conquer! The thrill of taming the wilderness! The view, plus Im bored watering the garden and chopping firewood. That’s pretty much all they’d let me do around this assisted living prison.”

Large crowds, comprised of adoring females, have formed to cheer Toole in his balloon.

Then one day Toole jumped in his 1939 Studebaker Champion and whisked to the local Balloon World where he bought the largest and brightest balloon they had on the lot. The gear came with a five minute instruction video that was in Italian.

The dashing aviator/pilot, wearing little more than a Calais scarf and storm Bergenstocks, escaped from Happy Face Rest Home in April and avoided the authorities until he launched himself in May.

“I want to swim with the seals and dine with the penguins,” he nodded. “but I’m getting ahead of myself here since I haven’t really landed yet.”

– Paula Parvenue

Canales de video para acortar versiones

(Hollywood – Empresas de distracción del golpe –  8 de diciembre, 2015)

Los principales redes de videos musicales comenzarán presentando video resumen de vídeos de música popular en lugar de todo el vídeo. Los productores de programas musicales, incluyendo MTV tristemente dicen que son la personalización de las presentaciones debido a la disminución capacidad de atención de la opinión pública estadounidense.

“El tiempo de visualización normal para el presente video musical es de 3 minutos”, explicó Oh Pi Bass, Itinerante Jefe de metro Suburban Registros aquí. “La mayoría de la gente hoy en día no se pueden concentrar en tanto como dos líneas y mucho menos una historia.

“La idea es acortar el vídeo a 15 segundos con sólo el ritmo adecuado y suficiente bache y moler para mantener la atención de una piña o calabaza de verano.

“Acabamos de mostrar un destello de piel, un primer plano de algunos rockeros de mala calidad frente a una multitud salvaje y esperamos por la caja registradora”, dijo Bass.

Ya las redes de la música country droguería han comenzado abreviar su programación de marca. Algunas de las estaciones más pequeñas, incluso echar un corto segmento o la lírica y el presente vacío que de cualquier imagen.

“Es un poco como la radio”, dijo.

– Susi Burr-Banke