All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
CAMPING TIPS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY
The Great Outdoors with Captain Samaritan
This month’s offering was submitted by Dwight Ruffinit from Boyd, Texas who will receive a seven-piece styrofoam dinette set for his trouble.
To improve your television reception at your self-contained site simply use your RV’s electrical system. After plugging according to the rules and regulations, disconnect the rubber and metal cables from the terminals of your vehicle’s battery. Then connect the antenna wires from your TV to the unhooked cables and the entire system works as one great big powerful reception device.
My uncle Earl picked up Midland last night before the electric storm forced him to abandon further exploration. Sometimes we end up watching three shows at once. It just depends on all those radio waves and such.
Caution: There have been a series of injuries and a small number of fatalities related to this shade-tree, cross-wire technology, but we have plenty of people on the planet and most recreational vehicles can take a direct hit and still be salvageable. Don’t be shy – hook up and enjoy!
Warning: Care must be taken to insure that frozen food in your camper’s electric refrigerator does not thaw out while you are watching your favorite television program high in the Rockies.
Denver Man Drowns Watering Lawn
The Front Range Waterboard – June 25, 2015
Howard DelFisher was pronounced dead at St. Roscoe’s Hospital this afternoon after drowning on his lawn. The local man had defied authorities by refusing to comply with water conservation efforts. His rare feat was being examined at press time.
According to neighbors DelFisher flew into a rage when told he could only water his lawn every other day. Then soon after his explosion, somewhere along his watering regimen, he ran into the fatal business and the official cause of death: aggravated inhalation of water and submersion of breathing apparatus in same.
Denver water spokesman Merle Seabiscuit, told reporters that DelFisher appears to have had a heart attack and fell headfirst into about an inch and a half of water that had gathered at a low point on his lawn.
“He went quick, we think, although he could have taken quite a while to expire,” said Seabiscuit. “We did not observe his final moments.”
Denver residents may water only on proscribed days since the place is technically high desert and few of its residents have any concept of conserving anything.
“They go to the grocery and buy chicken in plastic. They go to the mall and buy pretty, colorful junk that they don’t need,” said Seabiscuit. “They turn on the faucet and what appears to be an endless supply of water comes out every time. The drought is on television. They feel that they deserve to water whenever they like and often do despite fines.
Surviving members of the DelFisher family intend to write FOX New as soon as they find a dictionary.
“They’ll get to the bottom of all this drought business and fight for our freedom,” said one descendent, who poured asphalt on his lawn last summer as a protest against restricted watering.
“Looks like the entire family has an attitude about water and the gov’ment,” said Seabiscuit.
DelFisher is slated to be cremated on Monday if authorities can get him lit. – Small Mouth Bess
Silent Majority Discovered
Montrose Eyes & Ears – June 25, 2015
The shadow Silent Majority, a term coined in 1968 by then vice president Spiro T Agnew, has been cornered after a full-scale investigation by multiple law enforcement agencies including the CIA and the FBI. According to a tedious 4000-page report the Silent Majority resides at 823139226754433 Road just west of here.
“It’s not really a very large dwelling to house an entire majority of anything,” said one agent who has been assigned to this case since about 1975. “We expected an important majority, silent or not to live in more luxurious digs. “Then we found the full basement and the tunnels.”
The tunnels led to the West End allowed for easy undetected journeys out of Colorado. The basement houses a pool table and ping-pong court, providing some diversion for the much-maligned group when it was not in action.
Although no one knows why the Silent Majority chooses to live in the said property or why the tunnels were dug it is pretty clear that the group was up to something.
“You’ll never get the answers out of us,” said one arrogant Silent Majority officer. “That’s why we’re known as Silent.”
The group, like right-wing Christian Republicans has had problems recruiting of late.
“All the dumb, angry old white people are beginning to die out replaced by younger versions of dumb, angry white people who are anything but silent,” said the agent.
“What is sad is that most do not possess the math skills to identify a majority, a minority or simple long division.”
Remaining under the radar has long been a priority of the Silent Majority, many of whom hibernate from October through May. Their complex system of codes and regulations is mindless and translates only into dated 19th Century election jingles.
The case was cracked wide open last week as members of the Silent Majority were identified as a threat to local noise ordinances and driven from town. A large group had assembled and were chattering away making cupcakes and pulling dandelions.
“No, they weren’t breaking any laws. They are just odd and we have nothing better to do than harass anyone that stands out,” said the agent. “Today the Silent Majority screams about religion, fears the light of day and watches television. I don’t see that as an improvement.”
Meanwhile the city fathers and mothers here have decided to erect a large plaque on Highway 90 announcing Montrose as the Hub of the Silent Majority. – Tommy Middlefinger
Next month: The Vocal Minority
Telluride to fax garbage to West End
(Ames) In what many see as a vain attempt to placate residents of Naturita and Nucla the Telluride Town Council has voted in favor of faxing further garbage cargoes to the dump there.
“That way no one can get angry when they see our garbage trucks unloading in a different county,” said Ima Reddi, spokesman for the governing body. Our trucks will no longer crawl through the downtowns causing resentment. Keep in mind,” said Reddi, “that these communities voted to host a nuclear waste plant here.”
If this primary program is successful Telluride will fax other waste materials directly to the dump or to other specific locales since, contrary to the general opinion in parts of San Miguel County, much of this refuse often stinks.
“We should be able to sell our garbage as souvenirs on E-Bay,” said Reddi. “We have already generated a lot of interest posting mining artifacts and old photos. Trash is next.” – Melvin O’Toole