Silent Majority Discovered

Montrose Eyes & Ears – June 25, 2015

The shadow Silent Majority, a term coined in 1968 by then vice president Spiro T Agnew, has been cornered after a full-scale investigation by multiple law enforcement agencies including the CIA and the FBI. According to a tedious 4000-page report the Silent Majority resides at 823139226754433 Road just west of here.

“It’s not really a very large dwelling to house an entire majority of anything,” said one agent who has been assigned to this case since about 1975. “We expected an important majority, silent or not to live in more luxurious digs. “Then we found the full basement and the tunnels.”

The tunnels led to the West End allowed for easy undetected journeys out of Colorado. The basement houses a pool table and ping-pong court, providing some diversion for the much-maligned group when it was not in action.

Although no one knows why the Silent Majority chooses to live in the said property or why the tunnels were dug it is pretty clear that the group was up to something.

“You’ll never get the answers out of us,” said one arrogant Silent Majority officer. “That’s why we’re known as Silent.”

The group, like right-wing Christian Republicans has had problems recruiting of late.

“All the dumb, angry old white people are beginning to die out replaced by younger versions of dumb, angry white people who are anything but silent,” said the agent.

“What is sad is that most do not possess the math skills to identify a majority, a minority or simple long division.”

Remaining under the radar has long been a priority of the Silent Majority, many of whom hibernate from October through May. Their complex system of codes and regulations is mindless and translates only into dated 19th Century election jingles.

The case was cracked wide open last week as members of the Silent Majority were identified as a threat to local noise ordinances and driven from town. A large group had assembled and were chattering away making cupcakes and pulling dandelions.

“No, they weren’t breaking any laws. They are just odd and we have nothing better to do than harass anyone that stands out,” said the agent. “Today the Silent Majority screams about religion, fears the light of day and watches television. I don’t see that as an improvement.”

Meanwhile the city fathers and mothers here have decided to erect a large plaque on Highway 90 announcing Montrose as the Hub of the Silent Majority. – Tommy Middlefinger

Next month: The Vocal Minority