Denver Man Drowns Watering Lawn

The Front Range Waterboard – June 25, 2015
Howard DelFisher was pronounced dead at St. Roscoe’s Hospital this afternoon after drowning on his lawn. The local man had defied authorities by refusing to comply with water conservation efforts. His rare feat was being examined at press time.
According to neighbors DelFisher flew into a rage when told he could only water his lawn every other day. Then soon after his explosion, somewhere along his watering regimen, he ran into the fatal business and the official cause of death: aggravated inhalation of water and submersion of breathing apparatus in same.
Denver water spokesman Merle Seabiscuit, told reporters that DelFisher appears to have had a heart attack and fell headfirst into about an inch and a half of water that had gathered at a low point on his lawn.
“He went quick, we think, although he could have taken quite a while to expire,” said Seabiscuit. “We did not observe his final moments.”
Denver residents may water only on proscribed days since the place is technically high desert and few of its residents have any concept of conserving anything.
“They go to the grocery and buy chicken in plastic. They go to the mall and buy pretty, colorful junk that they don’t need,” said Seabiscuit. “They turn on the faucet and what appears to be an endless supply of water comes out every time. The drought is on television. They feel that they deserve to water whenever they like and often do despite fines.
Surviving members of the DelFisher family intend to write FOX New as soon as they find a dictionary.
“They’ll get to the bottom of all this drought business and fight for our freedom,” said one descendent, who poured asphalt on his lawn last summer as a protest against restricted watering.
“Looks like the entire family has an attitude about water and the gov’ment,” said Seabiscuit.
DelFisher is slated to be cremated on Monday if authorities can get him lit. – Small Mouth Bess

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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