All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Dow Operative Loses 18 Elk in Poker Game
(Gunnison — Beyond Sage Hens — October 7, 2015)
A veteran Division of Wildlife officer has reportedly lost 18 Colorado elk in a high-stakes poker game concluded early this morning. Details of the illegal transaction were sketchy although wildlife officials confirmed that the elk are missing as of lunch hour.
“It wasn’t planned this way,” gulped DOW suspect John Doe, who, in addition to losing the elk dropped another $600 on the table. “How did I know that Utah boy had a queen underneath?”
The current location of the hijacked herd animals is not known although police believe they are in the custody of a skinny cowboy from Jackson, Wyoming, who now makes his home in the Bee Hive State.
“He won the money and the elk hands down said a shattered Doe, who has been suspended indefinitely from his rock grooming position with the state.
Red-faced DOW bosses remained poker-faced when the embarrassing but hilarious story hit the wires. They have reportedly locked down all operations normally conducted this time of the year and are conducting mandatory urine analysis on anyone caught out in the woods after dark. The tests are meant to determine if other employees are chemically dependent on games of chance.
“I don’t know about all this ruckus over a few head of lousy elk,” cried an angry Doe. “It was just a friendly neighborhood game. I’ll probably win the elk back next Saturday night.”
One DOW bigwig told The Horseshoe that he would have preferred the losses had come in April and not October.
“The springtime is the season when they would be least missed. I’ve got 200,000 hunters arriving next month to harvest elk. What if I’m 18 animals short?”
Conjecture over at Red’s Barber Shop, often the bottom line on matters of culture and national security suggested that the feds were improperly uptight due to plans to move elk and deer herds to DOW headquarters in Denver where officials there can keep a better eye of their wards.
Doe has until the weekend to return the elk or face criminal charges in addition to his curt dismissal. – Kashmir Horseshoe
November 30 is Bathrobe Day at Monarch
(Garfield-on-Monarch – October 6, 2015)
The 38th Annual Monarch Bathrobe Ski Races & Snowfest Celebration is scheduled for November 30, the Monday following Thanksgiving weekend. Unconfirmed sources told The Horseshoe that any skier showing up in only his or her bathrobe can compete in the complimentary day-long athletics and may qualify for the grand prize, a set of 138-pixel, 211-henway jurisdictional blizzard tube skis, thought to have been manufactured in downtown Salida.
Interested skiers should report de riguer at the Monarch Lodge no later than 8 am. Approved accessories include goggles, gloves, and ski hats. Otherwise it’s just bathrobes! Skiers should expect to be scrutinized prior to the first event. Down, woolen or even Gore-Tex robes are acceptable. No capes or robes made from cardboard or tin foil will be allowed. Sadly, no snowboarders have been invited since none of them will admit to owning bathrobes or pajamas.
Outdoors enthusiasts, college students, snowmobilers, hockey players, climbers, cowpersons and the general public are encouraged to participate in this winter extravaganza!
“It just goes to show that the sport of skiing remains half athletic expression and half fashion show,” said a Monarch spokesperson.
“Western Slope water is not the cleaning solution for Denver’s Brown Cloud.” – Beano Silvertooth
“Why bother to rinse it out? He’s just going to drink out of it tomorrow anyway.” – A young Ulysses S Grant aide when asked to clean the general’s field cup on the Mississippi after the siege of Vicksburg in July of 1863.
Handy Game Recipes
(Uncompahgre Plateau – Hunter Survival Pamphlet # 611 – October 5, 2015)
Gourmet sportsmen: Bring home a famous Rocky Mountain Recipe this season. Improve your aim, avoid dreary breakfasts, boring desserts and hunter’s gas.
Chocolate Moose
You will need:
600 one-ounce squares/semi-sweet chocolate
75 duck eggs (separated)
21.5 tspn vanilla
22 cups heavy cream
1 medium size moose (roughly 1200 pounds)
Chocolate curls (optional)
Place chocolate and gallon of hot water on double burner. Set over simmering water and melt chocolate. Lightly beat duck eggs, (and off heat) beat the hell out of cream amd vanilla until thick and glossy. Place in very large pan (100 feet by 70 feet). Add moose slowly feet first until entire body (sans antlers)v is submerged. If animal puts up a fuss hit it in head with a large metal spoon or industrial whisker mechanism.
LET THE ENTIRE DISH STAND OVERNIGHT.
IF THE MOOSE IS STILL THERE IN THE AM, ENJOY WITH COFFEE AND A SHOT OF NICARAGUAN RUM
A VEGETABLE STAND IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN
NEW YORK — October 4, 2015
The stormy spring morning on the sidewalks of Little Italy takes a peek at a drenched Lucifero setting up his ragtag vegetable stand like always. For the last week or two he’s been expanding his inventory to include summer fruits arriving by the truckload from New Jersey. As the warm sun burns the clouds away he looks to the heavens and registers his sour mood with the cynical snap common to a wet Sicilian.
“Idiots. They are all idiots, running to their own funerals. None of them ever ask the right questions. They don’t even know where they came from, and have certainly never faced the prospects of where they are going,” he chanted. The most unoriginal sinners in the world live in New York.
“I’ve sold to new potatoes to Nebuchadnezzar II, corn to Cleopatra, snow peas to Pontius Pilot, gourds to Genghis Khan, string beans to King Henry whatsisname, and honeydew melon to Napolean, not to mention one bright shiny, red apple to a woman named Eve,” he smiled. “And here it is 1939 and I’m stuck negotiating the price of Brussels sprouts with these peasants.”
Just then, a large, slightly overweight fellow with a snow white beard, wearing a faded red plaid hunting jacket came humming around Lucifero’s leafy corner. As he passed the stand he waved good day an grabbed an apple.
Before Lucifero could say“Old Scratch” the man had disappeared.
“Damn, he did it again,” spat Lucifero. “I might make a living it it weren’t for thieves, taxes and fruit flies.”
“Hold the moralizing, Lucifero,” rasped a white-bearded whisper from a nearby doorway. “I pay my fruit and vegetable tab at the end of every week, now don’t say I don’t.”
A stooped Lucifero swung around to a contorted response, lowering his head, watching the apple snatcher chewing away contentedly.
“And hold your head up, boy. How do expect to project the proper image with that posture! Good apple, though, Lucifero,” he chomped. “No worms for a change.”
“Or snakes,” said Lucifero, tempting divine providence on that charming spring day. “I do my own work best, without any input from your pack of thugs,” he slurred. “Is that your car?
“Yeah, it’s a Cadillac. Gabriel bought it for me last month. He says I need to drive something befitting my station in life. I think he’s social climbing in his own angelic way.”
“That can get you into trouble, heh?” answers Lucifero. “But some of us did survive, and then there are the human extensions. Look at my boy Adolf. He’s kicking some butt in Europe. Did you see the way he seduced the Austrians and marched into Czechoslovakia?”
“We’ll see how you do after Winston and Franklin get their ducks in a row. One thing’s for sure, you could be striking it rich like the other angles if you’d have just been patient. They went corporate, sure, they showed up for work every day. They bought the eternal plan. But look at Michael, he’s semi-retired to the celestial suburbs, has a summer home in the Hamptons, and buys a new set of wings every year. Thugs like him are sipping the nectar of the gods, while you’re own here sorting cauliflower, arranging sweet potatoes and bitching about your lot.”
“Who’s bitching? I’m just telling it like it is. I tried working for you. There were those philosophical differences. You try working this stand all day and see if you still love all these people so damn much. I’d like to see you in this apron with all your all-knowing, all-forgiving omni-presentness and all that,” said Lucifero, noticing a frown forming on the man’s forested face. Thinking better of incurring his wrath he changes his approach.
“Here, have a pear. They’re very nice today…”
“…But I’ve just had an apple,” said the white beard. “A pear would be a sin, and don’t be so defensive.”
“Just pay up, then” says a rearmed Lucifero holding out his hand. “Put your money where your mouth was.”
Just then a couple waltzes down the street, their ballet explainable only in one silly word: Love.
Although they appeared to be adrift, they dropped their amorous anchor right in front of Lucifero’s vegetable stand.
“Good morning,” offered Lucifero. “Nice morning. Are you looking for something special?”
“Not really, sir,” said the young man. “Beautiful pears, though.”
“Yes. Beautiful pears,” said Lucifero thinking back to a moment ago. “Do you live around here? I have not seen you before.”
“We live in the Garden District,” answered the young woman. “I’m Eve and this is Adam.”
This time Lucifero’s gaze in the direction of the bearded man was met with one of equal surprise. Ancient eyebrows were in full tilt. Both hurled themselves back into the conversation.
“Is that a fact,” quipped Lucifero. Well, welcome to the neighborhood. I am Lucifero, and this is my friend Mr…Mr. Smith. Yes. Mr. Smith.”
Adam shook hands, Eve nodded cordially.
“What do you do, Mr. Smith,” she asks politely.
“Oh a little of this, and a little of that…”
“He’s too modest,” shot Lucifero. Mr. Smith is a renown creator of some regard. He has accomplished much in the field of human resources in what has been very little time.”
“Now, Lucifero, let’s not bore these kids with my history…”
“What would you like, then?” asks Lucifero, changing the conversation back to the business of produce.
“Those tomatoes look good. Where do they come from?” asked the young man.
“Upstate,” said Lucifero.
“We’ll take a dozen, and six ears of corn and…what about some apples, honey?” asks Adam. “You’ve been staring at them since we got here.”
“Yes, Eve, how about some nice apples?” smiles Lucifero holding out one of his best.
“You want to be careful of apples this time of the year, dear,” starts the bearded man. “You can’t tell it but most have worms and the fruit’s still mushy.”
“You just ate one,” said Lucifero. “Did you encounter the little serpents?”
“No, but maybe I was just lucky.”
“How much are the apples?” asks Eve, now entranced by the red treasure.
“Maybe a bit more than you’ll want to pay,” cracked the creator.
“Let the lady decide,” schmoozed Lucifero handing her the apple.
Eve looks at the apple, looks at Adam and glances in the direction of the bearded man who is shaking his head from side to side.
“I’ll take it,” says Eve biting down hard on the fruit.
Lucifero completes the transaction, delighted with his sale. The Adam and Eve skip off with their treasures.
“Curses!” says the creator. “I give them a free will but they stumble every time!”
“Now, there’s no need for profanity, sir, “smiles Lucifero. “Here, I have a present for you. It’s a very interesting piece by a fellow named Darwin. Maybe it will shed some light on the behavior of these humans.”
“Darwin, huh?” he answers. “I heard something about him the last time I was in Tennesse.”
PATRULLA FRONTERIZA DECOMISAN MARIHUANA HELADO
(3 de septiembre, 2015)
(Aguamarina Prieta) La Patrulla Fronteriza de Estados Unidos ha confiscado los informes, unas 10 toneladas de helado de marihuana en una camioneta abandonada aquí. El contrabando, que se había fundido con jarabe espeso en el momento de la incautación, llevó a un valor de venta estimado en alrededor de 2,7 millones de dólares.
“Esta es la primera vez que hemos visto la hierba mala en esta forma”, dijo un oficial, “pero no estamos todos los que sorprendió ya que el innovador y los contrabandistas extravagantes igual están inundados esta época del año.”
El helado, almacenado en pequeños refrigeradores de espuma de poliestireno había sido lleno de hielo seco y parecía listo para el largo viaje hacia el norte. No fue evidente cuando la carga estaba desierta o si los culpables involucrados en el transporte ilegal sería volver a rescatar su inversión.
“A pesar de todo el alboroto sobre la aplicación cooperativa droga que uno lee en los periódicos, la policía mexicana en general, miran para otro lado ya que el clima se calienta”, continuó el funcionario. “Ellos prefieren dedicarse a otras prácticas menos fiscales policiales tales como sacudidas bajadas y las estafas de seguros de automóviles, que son mucho más lucrativo.”
El helado parece haber sido una mezcla de napolitana y spumoni que ha llevado a las autoridades a creer que el crimen organizado está involucrado. Varios otros frutos prohibidos o postres desierto fueron recuperados junto con la olla de algo jabonosa. Se incluyeron unas 15 libras de cubiertas de chocolate de hash-atado Colorado Rockies figuras y un paquete de seis de Coca Cola de fecha 1923. Estos artículos también se consideraron no comestible debido a la exposición al calor extremo en el desierto de Sonora. A pesar de que el estado triste todos los elementos desaparecieron misteriosamente momentos después de la historia llegó a los papeles.
-Kashmir Herradura
FUMADORES GAY AMENAZAN SUIT
(Telluride) En una ciudad donde demandas frívolas por los transitorios y los animales domésticos no son una ocurrencia particularmente raro, los residentes de los homosexuales han reclamado una vez más la discriminación. Esta vez los centros embrollo alrededor ordenanzas fumadores que dicen los gays locales son sesgadas.
“Todo lo que queremos son los mismos derechos reconocidos a cualquier otra persona”, dijo un portavoz de la ofendida. “Queremos a fumar donde queremos fumar cuando queremos fumar. No estamos tratando de empujar a nuestro estilo de vida de nadie. Nos gusta para iluminar. La ley está matando a nuestro derecho a ser libres, a ser impulsivos! ”
Los defensores de la nueva legislación de la ciudad dicen que hay un montón de lugares donde los residentes pueden fumar y que los restaurantes deben permanecer libres de humo. Ellos dicen que la ley trata a todos por igual y no tiene prejuicios por motivos de raza, sexo, credo u orientación sexual.
Una audiencia preliminar está prevista para febrero de 2016.
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DOW Slug Hatchery
(October 2, 2015 — continued from Page One)
paused and said quite candidly that he was unable to “get the little bastard” to come out. By the time the governor arrived for the schedules ribbon cutting the stubborn (and now perplexed) terrestrial gastropod mollusk had embedded itself securely to the intimate shade of Mrs. Wilshire’s knickers and seemed to be enjoying its new home. Governor Hickenlooper and his sidekicks from the All-Star Rockies’ infield, had little choice but to go in after him…which is precisely what he wanted.
Sadly, and to the chagrin of the assembled Nebraskan juveniles on extended summer break, the feat turned ugly and the “little bastard” disappeared for the ages down a small pleat/canal in Wilshire’s hoop skirt. A full disclosure will be printed in the next series of notes shared by the editor when, as close associates avow may be close to running out of port, matters stabilize. – Thumbelina Etchabarron
