All Entries Tagged With: "Ridgway"
Vegetarians Who Hunt
(Special from Field and Spleen — October 24, 2015)
This year Western Colorado will see record numbers of vegetarians traveling here to purchase hunting licenses. For some, like Herb Gardener, owner of the Mother Earth Root Salad Patio in Los Angeles, Ca., it was the repetition of the often-heard maxim; Hunting is good for the health and strength of deer and elk herds.
“We live in L.A. so of course we have a lot of guns,” said Herb. “And we really enjoy shooting guns. This seemed like a way to use my arsenal for something positive. Yesterday while I was stalking a buck I could just feel the positively charged ions in the air. It was like the deer were saying, “Thank you Mr. Gardener.”
For others the motivation is different. Skip Townsend, a hunter from San Francisco explains, “Eating meat definitely offends me. When I see people eating burgers I just want to smash their heads because they are so inhumane. I don’t even eat animal crackers. But man, I love hunting. I crave the challenge, the chase, the feel of cold steel and the smell of gunpowder. I want to get a big old bull elk; of course, this year I hired three veterinarians to go with me to doctor any animals I shoot. It’s very expensive but I don’t want to kill any animals, I just want to hunt.”
– Harold Forth
Old Fart Accepted by Webster’s
(Linguistics of London — October 23, 2015)
The term Old Fart will be included in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Thesaurus for 2016 according to wordsmiths and language gurus here. The label, which is sometimes considered derogatory, denotes age and, in some cases, attitude. It has nothing to do with aroma or personal hygiene.
“We have added Old Fart to our roster due to colloquial considerations, repeated use within the population, and familiarity,” said Wanda English, a standup editor with the prestigious dictionary concern. “Like it or not, Old Fart has forced its way into our idiomatic legions and is poised to take its rightful place between Old English and old fashioned.”
Although probably incorrect in a political sense, the dimensions of the grammatical reference include abbreviations, synonyms, relevant usage and even Morse code tables.
“Nobody is saying the idiom exemplifies proper or even acceptable language but we are including Old Fart because it is a valid expression in the 21st Century,” said English,
“Virtually everyone knows what it means. Grace and precision are the main considerations in determining our wordy roster and common use dictates the parameters and accessibilities offered to persons of intelligence.”
English was quick to point out that the use of this term in face–to-face encounters in no way offers protection from canes, false teeth bites or other handy weaponry long associated with the elderly.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
NERD ELK — THE SHAME OF THE ROCKIES
(From Racks To Riches Report — October 22, 2015)
(Ridgway) At first it was only the few. Pocket protectors, tape on their spectacles, higher math taking up a majority of their social life. Who are they, these geek mammals that roam the forest in search of food left behind by healthier animals?
They are the milksops of the deer family, the eggheads of the rut…The nerd elk. Browbeaten by the other animals in the herd these mutant beasts go about their business, calculator at hand trying, like any other sexually motivated critter, to get a date for Saturday night. Often they fall short and spend another weekend under a tree or with the other nerd colleagues.
Biologists here feel the nerd elk are a product of too much contact with humans.
“It starts with the tagging, then the salt licks and the winter feeding programs,” said Small Mouth Bess, who has been observing fringe elements of the Rockies, even sociopathic animals for 30 years. “With the coming of the hippies in the late Sixties most herd animals began to feel comfortable in the company of humans. They all had the same basic scent, dressed pretty much in the same style, listened to the same music.”
The nerd element within the herd began to rear its head by 1970 with a segment discarding the ancient macho image for one of intellectual pursuit.
“It’s not to say that the elk population couldn’t use a few Einsteins,” said Bess. “It’s more a matter of survival and the traits and instincts that a mammal brought to this world. A bull elk in the scope of a high powered rifle will not survive on the basis of determining the square root of the problem. Nor will he make it home for dinner by coming up with the correct hypotenuse for the triangle of fire.”
Cow elk can be nerds too. In fact for the past ten years the population of nerd cow elk is way up again related to social movements in the human population. Many cow are sick of the traditional rolls within the herd and seek careers or even public office.
“The other day I saw a red neck looking cow riding on top of a road grader,” laughed Bess. Some call it antler envy but I contend that having a female on the job helps moral immensely.”
Sadly, as one might expect the nerd elk are the first to go in what we humans call the harvest. When confronted with armed humans in orange these double dome elk cannot fall back on the wily traits of the forest animals. They are far too busy attempting to figure out a chemistry formula or the distance from one point to another in light years.
Bam! Bam! Bam! Dead and in the freezer, notebooks, clipboard, maybe even hush puppy loafers and nerd sox languishing in the mud and snow. Another victim of the balance. Survival of the fittest takes on new meaning within these pathetic ranks.
Shoot From the Lifts Promotion Gets Mixed Reviews
Special to the Horseshoe from Tips Up Magazine – October 21, 2015
(Crested Butte) In an attempt to lure rifle hunters to town, Crested Butte Mountain Resort is offering hunter packages which include access to all lifts for the purpose of filling deer and elk tags for 2015.
This is how it works: A hunter stays at one of the approved CBMR hotels at the off-season rate and, in addition to heavenly views, cable TV and room service, he is allowed to ride the lifts in search of his prey.
Already about a dozen bow hunters found success riding the lifts. East River and Teocali were the most productive with one black powder marksman from Colona nailing a bull elk at the top of Paradise.
The program seems headed for success since their is exists no governing body that can legally restrict the action.
“With all the meddlesome agencies out there we felt for sure that this controversial sporting event would fall under some jurisdiction or the other,” said Melvin Toole illegitimate brainchild of CBMR. “OSHA was our biggest problem initially but that body dropped out when it became apparent that nobody was really on-the-job. Then it was the treasury people who backed off after we proved that no money was actually changing hands. Finally the local authorities got into the act, but we showed that there was no discharging of firearms within anyone’s city limits.”
Sources at the ski area expect more than 2000 hunters to take advantage of the offer. Target groups from Oklahoma, Texas and Kansas will make up the meat of the participants while contingents of urban hunters and the handicapped should round out the group.
“Imagine full lifts running 12 hours per day packed with men in orange,” said Toole. “It’s the perfect answer to the downtime between mushroom hunting and the free ski promotion. Who knows, we might even sell a little real estate out of our back pockets.”
Critics of the plan say they plan to file a plethora of lawsuits adding that “some of them folks over at CBMR have been smoking too much snodgrass.”
Over in Telluride the town gondola will remain out-of-service until Thanksgiving due to clown council concerns that a stray bullet may accidentally hit a celebrity, which would include a conservative 90% of the people walking around. Hunters with Telluride Cards will, of corpse, have access to the upper lifts, depending on political persuasion.
“We don’t have time for much of this silliness,” said a spokesman for the marketing department at Telluride Ski and Golf Then Ski Again. “We are far too busy attempting to manipulate sunrise and sunset so as to increase skier days this year. Imagine cruising the Stairs or Can’t Make ‘Em with the sun on your back all afternoon. Let them promise that at Aspen or Vail.” – Uncle Pahgre
Cigarette Tax Would Fund Firing Squads
(Lake City — October 20, 2015) A proposed cigarette tax would help defer the cost of providing regional firing squads, according to anti-smoking advocate Senator Oral Noise. The honorable politician made this statement while hunting turkey in Hinsdale County yesterday.
Most of the revenue collected through taxation would go directly to the squads,” said Noise, “with about 40 percent easily gobbled up by administrative cost. We feel that this plan earmarks the funds for one specific purpose and does not place the money in a cookie jar/pork barrel accessed by too many little fingers.”
Noise did not comment on the further disbursement of taxes, saying that he would wait until after a special election to elaborate on the matter.
Firing squads are employed by law enforcement agencies across the state. Due to the traditional blindfold option the morbid last minute ritual has the been associated with smoking for centuries.
“We don’t know how the public will react to this gesture,” smiled the senator, “or who might benefit from the suggested reapportionment.
WARNING TO HUNTERS
(National Ragamuffin Association Release — October 19, 2015)
Due to rampant Superfund operations and less than responsible pet enthusiasts, a massive herd of giant poodles is operating in a 15 square mile area south of Gunnison. The drove, lost or abandoned during the summer months, is comprised of what used to be miniature, or “doublewide poodles”. Now, according to authorities, some of the animals have grown to the size of small horses. Used to the good life, these once spoiled, inbred mutants are bad tempered and may attack humans with little provocation.
Although ankle wounds can be painful and in some cases require medical attention the noise level created and the unending, piercing decibel barks are what drives most voyagers insane. Most humans can only keep the lid on for about 24 hours before exhibiting neurotic symptoms such as obsessive scratching, systematic hair loss and an odd fondness for tiny polyester and acrylic doggie sweaters.
The Environmental Protection Agency, which is responsible for tailings removal and other activities in the region, claimed no responsibility for the evolution. Saying that no intentional alteration of genetic material or gene-controlled processes is occurring, the EPA has taken a wait-and-see approach to the matter.
In the meantime hunters are urged to wear industrial ankle protection along with their blaze orange when out searching for game. In addition armed visitors are reminded that poodle meat is not palatable and the hides are worthless to anyone but the most perverted taxidermist.
Gunnison police, alarmed over the growing size of both the herd and individual poodles, say they can do nothing unless the animals drift into their jurisdiction while county state authorities are attempting to confine the animals to their present domain.
– Thumbellina Etchabaron
