All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Marijuana Cholesterol Free – FDA
(Montrose, CO High and Low, April, 2035 April 26, 2016)
In a bold move to protect one of the nation’s most lucrative industries the US Food and Drug Administration has declared marijuana to be cholesterol free. During a stopover here top administration sources voiced support for further legalization of the weed for medical and recreational use.
Since 1950 the FDA and assorted government health agencies have labored to find some danger in the smoking or eating of the herb. They have found very little especially compared to other sins such as alcohol and tobacco. This latest announcement was seen as capitulation by some, as logical by most and as the end of the world by others .
The regulatory agency insisted that the expanding worldwide markets for North American cannabis had no impact on the decision.
“We don’t care who politicizes this issue,” said one scientist. “The facts are the facts and pot does not create bad cholesterol. While the marijuana smoker is not putting himself at risk, he is no healthier than anyone else .”
Ever since the demise of fossil fuel use in 2020 the federal government has been searching for assets to exploit. Now in 2035, despite ancient fears as to legalizing the evil weed t he brink may finally be in view, even though many states in the South and Midwest continue to cling to ignorance and superstitions with regards to the herb.
Marijuana can now be sold alongside chicken and fish and just around the corner from the organic aisle.
– Fred Zeppelin
White Collar Workers Riot
Expensive Cars Turned Over, Portfolios Hurled at Police
(New York — Nice Neighborhood News — April 25, 2016)
Financial district workers continued a rampage up and down Wall Street this morning, angered by the shooting of an alleged white-collar criminal by local police. Shouting down authorities the privileged mob moved toward Fulton Street where other angry local Bourbons, including doctors, lawyers and dot com nouveau rich joined them.
Most had even loosened ties, chucked heels and discarded expensive cuff links as they joined the hellish mêlée.
The misguided frolic precipitated after a Black officer shot a white-collar worker after the latter allegedly fled the scene of insider trading and penny stock manipulation. The location has been known as a high yield hedge house where margins were often counted in beta bytes and the index determined by who had the hot hand at the closing bell.
“Embezzlement is embezzlement no matter what time of the day,” said a spokesman for the police department. “The suspect failed to heed the warnings of the officer in the early morning hours and paid the price.”
The suspect is recovering from a leg wound at Steven Talkhouse Clinic in Queens. According to Officer Truman Washington he shot only after the alleged perpetrator continued to elude him on Nassau Street and threatened passersby with a heavy briefcase and his cell phone.
His name is being withheld until his significant brokerage clients can be notified. The officer is on temporary suspension with full pay until the matter can be reviewed and stock options identified.
Police have cordoned off all secondary avenues leading to and from the epicenter of the demonstrations. Saabs, Volvos and Cadillacs litter the backstreets. The affluent crowd exhibited fortuitous restraint when it came upon Mercedes Benzes and Rolls Royces parked along the Hudson River.
Sadly, a nearby sushi bar was torched and its gin reserves quickly depleted when it refused to open early for lunch. Minority-operated news stands, beauty parlors and unlucky pizza joints were vandalized by the surging throng of wild-eyed professionals.
“An inner alarm went off inside this wealthy herd and the vehicles were untouched,” said the source. “It was some kind of sacred come-to-your-senses respect thing that overshadowed the compulsive rage that we’ve suffered for the past few days here.”
While authorities have succeeded in isolating the violence many fear that the situation will escalate after the market shuts down for the day. Efforts by White leaders to calm the crowd appear to have failed. Police remain hopeful that the majority of the troublemakers will return to the robotic afternoon commute and return to steaming ghetto redoubts in Greenwich, Short Hills, New Rochelle and Great Neck.
If not, Mayor Bill de Blasio has threatened to call out New York and New Jersey National Guard units unless they are still busy fighting in the Mideast.
– Cory Applewhite
Manana Stressing Out Again
(Colorado Small Towns — High and Higher — April 24, 2016)
Manana (Colorado) residents are likely to experience increased stress in 2016 according to postulated statistics arriving in our outbox by the minute. In the minute Colorado burgh, 34% of the town’s reasonable people say they are more likely to fly off the handle or in some cases overreact to daily tension and negative stimuli than in 2014.
A majority ay the town has become a pressure cooker while over 11% report having trouble with rural routines.
Those surveyed as part of a social reach out from Denver singled out summer traffic, dog waste, increased lawn responsibilities, high grocery prices and the gov’ment as the major sources of their befuddlement while another 17% admitted that the strain of baiting hooks, running to town for toilet paper and organizing camping gear could push them over the precipice at any given moment.
In response to this state of emergency someone’s gov’ment is building landing zone front porches on existing structures as Soul Recovery Quadrants. If this fails to remedy the crisis the authorities intend to put the entire town on medication….or was that mediation?
Jus’ a gentleman angler
(Big Windy Colorado
Wild Asparagus Review
April 23, 2016)
Wet line fever
Ripples in the water
Crack in the bobber
Don’t make no matter.
Sittin’ and spinnin’
Pickin’ teeth and grinnin’
Solitary hummin’
Big one’s surely comin’.
Cooler, pole and chair
Water everywhere
Bait your hook with nuthin’
You don’t really care.
Nuts. I got a nibble
Yep he’s hooked for sure
Now I gotta deal with him
despite the passing lure.
First they start the bitin’
Then commence to fightin’
Then you gotta clean ‘em
Too much work this anglin’.
-Small Mouth Bess
DOG HAIR PREVENTS PUBLICATION
(Manana, CO — Looking Back to 1985 — April 22, 2016
A sudden and alarming abundance of dog hair has been blamed for the absence of the popular San Juan Horseshoe from the proletariat news racks last month.
The canine hair, weighing in at just under 112 pounds, is said to have clogged up everything from typewriters to pencil sharpeners to printers to fax machines. The mammal strands even invaded the paper clip box (the lifeblood of this and any other newssheet worth its salt.).
Comparing the disaster to mohair in one’s martini publishers promised that someday soon the paper would be on-line and no longer subject to ink, water, cantankerous printing presses and yes, per hair. Meanwhile in the darkroom filters broke down in the mayhem leaving feet of dog hair in an area built for inches. The situation in the composing room was far worse.
At first the editor banned all dogs from the offices on press day only to realize that if employees could not bring their dogs to work they would quit.
“Then I’d be putting out the issue by myself,” said Belle Toole, Under Editor.
According to a dated memo the only pets allowed in the editorial offices are frogs, smooth-skinned marmots, turtles, tropical fish and miniature sheep.
“This is the traditional approach to the intrusion,” said Toole.
Meanwhile the employees union is considering options and most workers are keeping themselves busy knitting dog hair socks for advertisers.
– Alfalfa Romero
Denver Seeks Water Rights to Walden Pond
(Concord MA — H20 Blues — April 21, 2016)
Pirates from Colorado’s Confront Range have claimed Walden Pond here. Legal water interests have adjudicated the water in the pond, which is not being used, as common property subject to seizure.
Once the haunt of poet, Henry David Thoreau, the spot has been declared abandoned, since the water is not spoken for. A self-reliant transcendentalist, who authored the American classic Walden, Thoreau was known for his militant stance against modern man’s infringement on nature back in 1854.
“We don’t care if Jesus or Buddha fishes this pond. We want it,” said a spokesperson for the Denver Water Board.
It was not clear how the DWB would transport the water if the seizure plot goes through successfully. Walden is the latest protected water to be claimed by the Confront Range since 1985 when the Brown Cloud began to spread. In addition to most of the water in South Park, the developer-mad Mile High City has grabbed Lake Elsinore, the Grand Canal in Venice, Lake Victoria, the Zambezi River and the Sea of Galilee.
When contacted the DWB denied involvement.
– Dinty Moore
