All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Fascinating Facts

(From the Pea Green Answer Man — Dry Creek Gazette — May 9, 2016)

In Breckenridge, Colorado one must walk a mile out of town to purchase a package of condoms while the same person can purchase a condominium in the restroom at almost any restaurant of bar.

If Brooklyn Dodger owner Fulgencio Batista had only renegotiated the contract of lawyer Fidel Castro in 1956 he might have stayed out of politics altogether and become one of the greatest pitchers ever to play baseball.

If everyone stopped buying life, health and auto insurance in little time nobody else would need it.

Mt Sneffels was named for legendary Yiddish stand-up comedian Marvin Sneffels who performed two shows a summer night for tourists at the base of the peak. His 58-year run ended with his untimely death in 2015.

The deadly Black Widow spider prefers the outhouse to the hen house when settling into a summer home in the mountains. The aesthetics of off-he-grid living,  without the conveniences of the 21st Century do not much impress the Brown Recluse variety either.

The Obama Administration sent over 4000 recreational vehicles to Afghanistan to be given away to allies of the United States government. At last check 3900 were still garaged in a secret location in Kabul awaiting shipment.

The White House was once a bed and breakfast prior to the War of 1812 when the British burned it down. After the conflict the mansion was rebuilt and designated as a Presidential residence, a status that it holds today. Although the lodging function is old business the place reportedly serves a nice hot lunch on weekdays.

Shoplifters Anonymous To Convene

(Gunnison, CO — Sticky Fingers Review — May 8,  2016)

Over 3000 members of the burgeoning Shoplifters Anonymous Foundation are expected in Gunnison next week for that organization’s annual convention.

Arriving from points afar such as Key West and Nome the participants will sit through 3 days of strenuous seminars, group therapies and several morning spiritual awakenings. These presentations are meant to toughen up the troops and shed light on the disease of stealing.

The 3000 will then have three hours off each afternoon to hone skills on North Main Street. Merchants, working with the SAF will be able to easily identify potential problem shoppers by the large red diamond painted on each forehead. In addition each recovering crook will display a distinct badge that reads: “I have sticky fingers.”

It is not clear why Gunnison was chosen for the meetings since the city has the nation’s toughest shoplifting laws (Ordinance #611 makes even thinking about stealing a misdemeanor and actual theft punishable by flogging for first time offenders.

Nonetheless the infamous Palmer’s Shindig will begin to arrive Tuesday. The Gunnison Chamber of Commerce urges all merchants and loiterers to extend every Western Slope hospitality during the short stay.

– Small Mouth Bess

Dodgers Moving Back to Brooklyn

(Sunset Park — Flatbush Base Stealer Press — May 6, 2016)

After 57 years in Los Angeles, the Dodgers have decided to return to Brooklyn. The popular franchise will begin its 2016 season in New York according to a team spokesman.

The move was described as fiscal in nature although growing seismic activity, gang violence and increasing smog may have entered into the final decision.

“There are innumerable issues to resolve,” according to a team owner. “But in the final summation we prefer the Big Apple to El Lay.”

The Dodgers will not be able to return to the old haunts of Ebbets Field or even the Polo Grounds since the historic parks were long ago “plowed under”. Negotiations are reportedly going on with existing facilities and the local government.

“It got so that we couldn’t see the pitches, even on a good day,” said player personnel director Melvin “Sacrifice” Toolovich. “Even when the wind blows the pollution stays put out here at Chavez Ravine.”

One option appears to be a rooftop stadium above Barclays Center, the home of the Brooklyn Nets NBA team. That, according to local environmentalists would have less impact on a neighborhood still reeling from urban stadium expansions in high real estate locales. It might also be in keeping with progressive gardening techniques developed in Paris and Berlin. Yields from each of these communities have been impressive and baseball might lower its carbon footprint here, say the experts.

The Dodgers (originally the Trolley Dodgers) will remain in the National League if the relocation is approved at the highest levels. The move is expected to fill the void left by the New York Mets’ abrupt move to Havana, Cuba where people still speak English and understand the dimensions of the slow curve.

– Salte Peterson

Little Cone Calm Once More

(Norwood, CO    Mountain Tantrums    May 5,  2016)

After raging out of control for most of the spring the once dormant volcano, Little Cone, appears to have returned to the 2400-year cycle and ceased eruptions. Since late March the rambunctious rock formation has discharged over five cubic miles of white ash and black lava, but has not generated any earthquakes as of yet.

Geothermal experts were shocked at the fury of Little Cone, a teen-aged mountain that was thought to be a bit of a wallflower, an enigma in light of the associations she kept on the Sneffels and Wilson Ranges. For centuries Little Cone sat by childishly while the other mountains made their marks and did all the work.

For some time it appeared Little Cone would have things her way, gushing lava into the canyons and river bottoms, destroying the countryside. Then, without warning the eruption terminated and the birds began to sing again.

Although generally found near seacoasts volcanoes like Little Cone and her brother Lone Cone (known as Strombolian volcanoes since they feature thicker lava from which gas is released with explosive intensity) are also located in belts of weakness in the earth’s crust near great mountain chains.

Little Cone began blowing her top in March and became potent almost overnight. At first residents were fascinated with the light show but soon saw the dangers therein. Several virgins (they said they were virgins) were sacrificed to a host of hastily concocted gods and demons that were reputed to have an inside track with someone who had minor influence on Little Cone.

This morning a land bridge or spatter cone, composed of three parts lapilli and one part volcanic ash, has effectively connected the Twin Cities of Naturita and Nucla with the plush bedroom communities of Bedrock and Paradox.

“We could be seeing the formation of the world’s largest pumice dam,” said a volcano watcher stationed on what used to be called Norwood Hill.

– Merv Ditchwater

“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera.”
-Pablo Neruda

Ozone Afterburners

Stopped short in the grab
for the aerosol can in 1966.
I’ll just stink today,
smell like me
instead and see
who might just notice
the spray shadow
that ain’t no more there.
.
Then stopping stark outside
I’ll reek like the rotted ozone
in full retreat
from a Russian winter
from a hellish summer.
As an antiperspirant jet
streaks across the evening sky,
it’s pilots sure of
round-the-clock protection.

Solar Spill Contained

(Ridgway, CO  —  Rocky Mountain Sunbeams   —   May 3, 2016)

A solar spill has silently crept over unprotected crevices of the Cimarron Ridge hitting the town of Ridgway at about 6:11 am this morning, doing no damage whatsoever. Within moments civil and volunteer personnel had matters well in hand and everything returned to normal with a pancake breakfast in the park.

In what had been called a code golden/almost pink by local authorities, the drifty hue covered sections of the ground then disappeared unannounced into the shifting shade as the sun reached higher into the sky.

In what many laughed off as a daily occurrence, the sun spill was visible from Ouray, some ten miles south. Most residents there were reportedly “far from alarmed, going about their business like normal according to the local paper.

Readers may recall an even more serious solar spill that hit the coast of France at La Rochelle, in the Bay of Biscay in 2009, causing no damage and forcing no one from his home. Resident there too took the spill lightly and many ended up taking refuge on the beach until the danger passed.

– Julianne Pettifogger