Shoplifters Anonymous To Convene

(Gunnison, CO — Sticky Fingers Review — May 8,  2016)

Over 3000 members of the burgeoning Shoplifters Anonymous Foundation are expected in Gunnison next week for that organization’s annual convention.

Arriving from points afar such as Key West and Nome the participants will sit through 3 days of strenuous seminars, group therapies and several morning spiritual awakenings. These presentations are meant to toughen up the troops and shed light on the disease of stealing.

The 3000 will then have three hours off each afternoon to hone skills on North Main Street. Merchants, working with the SAF will be able to easily identify potential problem shoppers by the large red diamond painted on each forehead. In addition each recovering crook will display a distinct badge that reads: “I have sticky fingers.”

It is not clear why Gunnison was chosen for the meetings since the city has the nation’s toughest shoplifting laws (Ordinance #611 makes even thinking about stealing a misdemeanor and actual theft punishable by flogging for first time offenders.

Nonetheless the infamous Palmer’s Shindig will begin to arrive Tuesday. The Gunnison Chamber of Commerce urges all merchants and loiterers to extend every Western Slope hospitality during the short stay.

– Small Mouth Bess