All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Hell Discovered by Corps of Engineers
(Rangely, CO — Netherworld Gazetteer — May 15, 2016)
The recent and much heralded discoveries by the Army Corps of Engineers all but verify the existence of the place called Hell. Engaged in a serious digging effort (for some undisclosed reason up here) the teams stumbled across the Eternal Pit at about near quitting time on Thursday. Having left the hole exposed overnight one foreman later expressed concern not with people falling in but others coming up and out.
“When we came back to work Friday there was visquine stretched over the opening with a note that warned of rain,” said Al Studevent, a tenured geologist attached to the project. “We looked down the hole as far as possible with the flames and the gnashing of teeth and all.”
By noon the entire area was off limits to anyone with even a lick of sense. Federal aeronautics and NASA personnel were all over the place turning it into an anthill of activity. So much so that the senior high school class hastily arranged a car wash and local bars sold beer to the growing throng. The experts sat on their thumbs while the crowd grew edgy.
“These feds are as thick as flies at a fertilizer convention,” said Studevent. “There’s already talk of building an embassy above the hole or at least a CIA listening post. But right now we have bigger fish to fry: We lost three drunks in the vicinity of that enchanted hole last night alone.”
Hell, depending on your angle, is either a place of eternal punishment or a damn good control method invented by religions to keep the faithful in line. Traditionally it has been located deep under the earth, inhabited by the remnants of bad angels and sinners who didn’t do what they were told and were hurled down there for eternity or some damn thing. Theories abound as to the rest of the story.
“I’ve spent most of my life in Rio Blanco County and nobody has to tell me that Hell is real,” said Manny Motormouth, a local sheepherder. “I’m just worried about the missing drunks. One of them owed me ten dollars.””
In a related story the Air Force has proclaimed that the over 400 UFO sightings documented over the past week were only masses of swamp gas and the reflection of airport runway lights from nearby Maybell to the northwest. The branch was quick to add that proximity to Utah and the presence of higher intelligence have never been scientifically connected.
“There are no beings of higher intelligence in the county,” slammed a sheriff’s deputy.
“I’ve seen folks over at Ma’s Bar with what looks like three eyes and there’s that one green-skinned from Craig that plays the jukebox all night but otherwise the situation is quite normal. Now with this Hell thing I don’t know what the weekend will bring,” he continued. There may be Hellions, aliens and even a few liberals out there knocking to get in but until they drink and get behind the wheel of their cars we cannot detain them.”
Religious and self-proclaimed spiritual leaders are expected tomorrow while a priest from Wyoming is slated to perform the first ever exorcism ever in Rio Blanco County. Seating is limited.
– Beelzebub Spur
Drink More Vodka Says Putin
(Minsk — Make Vodka From Your Old Socks Magazine — May 14, 2016)
Russian President Vladimir Putin called on Americans to drink more vodka in 2016. Saying that a belly at the bar would go a long way toward combating hunger in Russia. The former KGB officer, and friend of Donald Trump, estimates that if every American would just increase his or her intake by one shot per day the economy of Russia would bounce back to Czarist proportions.
Putin targeted Americans on the issue since the French prefer wine, the Germans like beer and the English “are in bed with a good bottle of single malt.”
“None of these groups will ever budge,” he quacked. “Our only tangible export to the developed nations is vodka,” he continued. “Americans don’t need our natural gas or even our caviar but they all get thirsty.
In response to the pathetic plea, the Congress has drafted a bill offering tax credits to the vodka-swilling public. If the bill becomes law, persons who purchase the stuff by the case might be able to claim a percentage as a contribution to charity by 2017.
Supporters say the move has nothing to do with National Health care while detractors worried about sour relations with Poland, the world’s second largest distiller and member of NATO bowling team.
– Neville Hoser
“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera.”
(They can cut down all the flowers but they cannot hold back the spring.”)
– Pablo Neruda
Hechos fascinantes
(Del Guisante respuesta Man – Dry Creek Gaceta – May 13, 2016)
En Breckenridge, Colorado hay que caminar una milla fuera de la ciudad para comprar un paquete de condones, mientras que la misma persona puede comprar un condominio en el baño en casi cualquier restaurante de la barra.
Si el dueño de Brooklyn Dodgers Fulgencio Batista sólo se había renegociado el contrato del abogado Fidel Castro en 1956 podría haber quedado fuera de la política en conjunto y llegar a ser uno de los mejores lanzadores en jugar béisbol.
Si todo el mundo dejó de comprar la vida, la salud y el seguro de auto en poco tiempo nadie más lo necesitaría.
Mt Sneffels fue nombrado para el legendario yiddish stand-up cómico Marvin Sneffels que realizó dos shows una noche de verano para los turistas en la base del pico. Su 58 años de carrera terminó con su muerte prematura en 2015.
El mortal araña Negro Viuda prefiere la letrina a la casa de la gallina al instalarse en una casa de verano en las montañas. Off-le-Grid vivir sin algunas de las comodidades del siglo 21 no mucho impresionar a la variedad reclusa parda tampoco.
La Administración Obama envió más de 4.000 vehículos de recreo a Afganistán para ser regalado a los aliados del gobierno de Estados Unidos. En último cheque 3900 todavía estaban estacionado en un lugar secreto en Kabul embarque esperando.
La Casa Blanca fue una vez una cama y desayuno antes de la guerra de 1812, cuando los británicos quemaron abajo. Después del conflicto, la mansión fue reconstruida y se designó como residencia presidencial, un estatus que ocupa en la actualidad. Aunque la función alojamiento es viejo negocio del lugar según los informes, sirve un buen almuerzo caliente en los días de semana.
Boiled Hot Dogs
You will need: 6-8 quality meat hot dogs, pan of water,
access to broiler, 6-8 white flour hot dog buns.
A favorite in our family for weeks now, this gourmet treat can suffice as a snack or an entire meal. It can be easily prepared in the woods or the penthouse with little or no collateral damage.
First: Boil water and add dogs so that they are totally submersed. Boil for about 7 minutes or until water bubbles sufficiently to kill any unwanted bacteria. Remove with tongs so as not to damage the fragile fare
While dogs are cooking place 6-8 buns on cookie sheet and broil or bake at 300 degrees for 4 – 5 minutes. (Slightly more time for altitudes over 14,000 feet). When the buns are crisp remove so as not to burn. Arrange on plate for quick distribution. Then carefully place each tube steak on a bun, garnish with pickle relish, mustard and/or ketchup. Serves 4.
Extras: One can add cheese (slit dog and place horizontal strings of cheese into opening) and bacon to the hot dogs or pepper the buns with jalapenos for a good kick. For a bonne bouche statement slice dogs and serve with baked beans.
Thanks to Belle Toole of Maher
Will pay top market price for crisp analogies, compound sentences and overtly descriptive adjectives. Tuesday only. Mr. Billfold at the Manana Holiday Inn 10 -2 or forward examples and projections to San Juan Horses, Dry Goods El Nino, Colona, Colorado.
May 12, 2016
Taxpayers Place Economic Sanctions on Treasury Department
(Moline — Money Talks — May 11, 2016)
A cell of angry taxpayers has come up with an innovative way to get back at the Internal Revenue Service. They are instituting economic sanctions on an agency and government that they charge is incompetent and arrogant. The group feels that holding back their taxes due might get someone’s attention.
“These government people spend out tax dollars like they fell from the sky,” said Oral Riche, a longtime taxpayer who has had enough. “They drop bombs on civilians and prop up military dictatorships in the name of the American people.”
Riche told The Horseshoe that he plans to enforce the sanctions by depriving “an out of control monster” from further income taxes. Only when others join the populist movement will it have teeth.
“Right now we are only a small thorn in the side of the evil money machine,” he explained, “but with a few million Americans refusing to pay we will have made our point. They can arrest some of us but not all of us.”
Naming corporate welfare as the most serious issue, Riche pointed to garbage public education, twisted foreign policies and the crumbling of basic infrastructure as the targets of this fiscal protest.
“If you cut off their money they can no longer continue to do these evil things in the name of the country. They win when they keep us scared off terrorists when they are the terrorists,” he whispered. “Greed is greed and we don’t expect that to go away overnight. We just want the feds to stop pissing away our money like drunken submariners on a weekend pass.”
– Attila Diggins
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La marihuana colesterol libre – FDA
(Montrose, CO High Times de abril de 2035 10 de mayo 2016)
En un movimiento audaz para proteger una de las industrias más lucrativas de la nación la Food and Drug Administration de Estados Unidos ha declarado la marihuana para ser libre de colesterol. Durante una parada aquí fuentes de la administración superiores expresaron su apoyo para su posterior legalización de la hierba para uso médico y recreativo.
Desde 1950 la FDA y las agencias gubernamentales de salud variados han trabajado para encontrar algo de peligro en el fumar o comer de la hierba. Ellos han encontrado muy poco sobre todo en comparación con otros pecados como el alcohol y el tabaco. Este último anuncio fue visto como una capitulación por algunos, como lógica por la mayoría y como el fin del mundo por otros.
La agencia reguladora insistido en que los crecientes mercados mundiales de cannabis de América del Norte no tuvieron impacto en la decisión.
“No nos importa quien politiza este tema”, dijo un científico. “Los hechos son los hechos y la olla no crea el colesterol malo. Mientras que el fumador de marihuana no está poniendo en riesgo a sí mismo, él no es más saludable que cualquier otra persona “.
Desde la desaparición del uso de combustibles fósiles en 2020 el gobierno federal ha estado buscando activos para explotar. Ahora, en 2035, a pesar de los temores de la antigüedad como de la legalización de la hierba t mal que brink finalmente puede estar a la vista, a pesar de que muchos estados del sur y medio oeste siguen aferrándose a la ignorancia y supersticiones con respecto a la hierba.
La marihuana puede ahora ser vendido junto con el pollo y el pescado ya la vuelta de la esquina del pasillo orgánica.
– Fred Zeppelin
