All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Citibank Secures Sole Rights to Sunrise and Sunset
(Bismarck) Citibank Corporation has acquired the rights to sunrise and sunset it was reported by people familiar with these kinds of things. The giant financial interest reportedly has secured these curtain call times of the day, traditionally referred to as dawn and dusk, for an undisclosed sum from an unidentified broker at an unspecified location at an undetermined time.
“It’s not clear how the deal went down.,” said Marilyn Madrugada from Time Is Money, a popular local television program . “Citibank has moved to secure it’s new holdings, sending its private army into sensitive areas to insure the opening and closing of the day comes off without a hitch.
Private showings, on an invitation only basis, are expected to begin in a month.
“Citibank wants to insure stockholders that there is no favoritism at play,” said Madrugada, “and that there will soon be no squatters illegally viewing dawn and dusk.”
One Citibank executive refused to comment on growing fears that air and water might follow a similar path toward the privatization of natural resources, including natural wonders, designated planets and public lands.
Other leading financial institutions have hesitantly followed suit, bidding on early morning, noon, mid-afternoon and the hotly contested cocktail hour. What control of these daily beginnings and endings could mean is beyond the comprehension of most of us.
Wall Street brokers had already nailed down the fabled Midnight Hour, made famous by R&B great, Wilson Pickett in 2007 back before the first Great Recession.
“The loss of astronomical sunrise and sunset twilight times tips the bucket for another intellectual dark age where knowledge and education are the enemy of money cults, military control and fundamentalism not beholden to the fruits of fact of logic.”
On the heels of these acquisitions, further documents to finalize the purchase of Western Canada are expected to be filed in North Dakota Supreme Quart on Thursday.
The action follows an attempted water grab by agents of Coca Cola and Nestle Corporations. These multinationals have begun negotiations on the privatization of the Guarani Acquifer that lies below the surface of Paraguay, parts of Brazil and Argentina and most of Uruguay, the only fiscally stable country in the region.
Conservationists are up in arms over the seizure of a natural resource that should belong to everyone.
“These greedy monsters are attempting to take our children’s water and turn it into their shit products that they sell back to us,” said a spokesperson for Eco-Mamas, a Montevideo-based legal firm. “Without water we will become thirsty slaves, subservient to a cruel-hearted system that eats its young.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
TERMS EMPLOYED IN THIS PERIODICAL
The following roster of terms used in this month’s paper is meant to acquaint readers with terminology before digestion of concepts and images is attempted.
eyeservice – 1. work done only when the boss is watching. 2. admiring looks (slang)
ambsace – double aces, the lowest throw at dice; bad luck, the least; most worthless
pop-scripturient – having a passion for writing graffiti on walls.
oeillade – an ogle, a flirtatious glance
raash – an electric catfish
rahdar – a toll collector in India
troat – to cry out like a rutting buck
troglodyte – an athropoid ape
yahoomanity – people en masse
xylophobia – fear of forests
blancmange – a dessert made from Irish moss, isinglass, cornstarch, arrowroot and boiled milk.
—Retraction—
The legislative seat of the Roman Catholic Church will not be moved to the site of the Polo Grounds in New York as previously reported in the November issue of the now defunct Vacant Lot Review, a cash cow milked every morning by forest nymphs. Due to logistical disagreements it will instead be moved to Milwaukee County Stadium. The relocation comes after centuries of a Vatican presence in Rome (The Eternal City and all).
According to insiders a 2000-year lease will be up in the 2025 and the owners of the real estate plan to build a massive golf course and retirement village on the spot that is now Vatican City. A fiscal shift will begin in 2006 culminating with a drastic move by the following decade. The faithful are reminded to keep sending in donations and that the collection plate waltz will not be interrupted by the relocation. It is not known how these developments will effect a Wisconsin cult set on keeping baseball in Milwaukee. We apologize for any inconvenience created by the incorrect announcement.
EVERYTHING MUST GO TO JACK UP THE BUDGET FOR 2019!
Thanks Congress! Over at the Pentagon we are clearing out our inventory to prepare for new fiscal windfall. Now every man, woman and child in the USA can have his or her own military land vehicle. Choose between the M3 A3 Bradley infantry vehicle, the M58 Wolf armored personnel carrier or the popular M1AZ Sep V-2 battle tank. Sorry: Some models only available in Red States. Just let those Liberal Atheist Communist Muslim Immigrants try to invade us now! Offer good while military continues to skim 50% off the top of the federal budget. You’ll not see prices this low again. Not available with any other offer. NO SALES BEFORE REVELRY. Next month: Self propelled artillery in the suburbs.
What I’ve Found Out
with O’Toole of the Andes
Jobs in the cannabis and solar industries are more than coal and gas/oil drilling combined but they threaten Big Pharm and Petroleum profits so they are demonized by the right.
Driverless cars confuse the issue in Saudi Arabia. Prince hopes to reengineer country. Nascar popular/women drivers in Riyadh a new concept…
Allowing the Attorney General of the United States to own a private prison (for young Black men who plea bargained down on pot charges) isn’t just conflict of interest it’s like letting a coyote operate a chicken processing plant and expecting him to adhere to health standards. – “Keebler the Elf”
Do you think that maybe there is a connection between the US presence in Poppy Heaven Afghanistan and the jump in heroin use in the United States? Remember when the CIA allowed the unblemished flow into Vietnam during the war there proving GIs were indeed expendable. During the Vietnam War it was easier to buy a bag of heroin than a bag of noodles.
Beginning a statement with “Look…” used to be considered rude and condescending.
Sagebrush malts may hold key to longevity…but only if you stay high
Male dogs lie, so do politicians.
Nazis sent their mentally impaired to work camps. We just send ours back onto the streets.
Anti-Christ’s can be fat liars, ignorant plutocrats, and closet white supremacists.
Unicorns rarely fart rainbows
Most of the world spends a good chunk of the day standing around looking at each other waiting for something of marginal significance to happen. Others sit in offices trying to make it look like they are engaged in something. The rest sleep in the park.
Small batch hand grenades and crude cottage industry explosives, while considered overkill in most civilized societies, could be tastefully implemented when confronted with digital car alarm, barking ankle bitters and blaring radio stations in Armenia, Colombia.
Tropical/Samba makes me happy. Salsa makes me crazy.
Cowboys should be added to the Endangered Species roster.
In his farewell address, Ronald Reagan said this: “After 200 years, two centuries, [the United States] still stands strong and true on the granite ridge, and her glow has held steady no matter what storm. And she’s still a beacon, still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home.”
Uncle Ben defects to China
(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin one removed to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “Uncle Ben” Brown has reportedly fled to the People’s Republic of China where he has already applied for political asylum.
The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret white rice recipes to the Chinese. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Peking via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.
“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”
The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Trump Administration who had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.
A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.
“In no way should Ms Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for the anarchy in Liberia or the war in the Congo.”
When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after dinner.
“There are substitutes for oil; there is no substitute for fresh water.”
– Paul Ehrich, from The Population Bomb, 1968
