All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
CAFE EXCELSO ESPECIAL
Cafe Luqman was named Best Coffee at a national symposium held in January at Popyan, Colombia. Posing with his favorite brew is Victor Gutierrez, owner of the coffee company. The coffee beans are grown at Pijao in Quindio and Victor operates a comfortable coffee house on the plaza. For more look at www.thrillist.com
Black Hole Waste Disposal Slated For New Jersey
Officials at Waste Supervision, Inc., have announced that they will locate the world’s first artificial black hole at an undisclosed location in New Jersey, and will monetize their investment by using it to dispose of trash, toxic waste, and other unwanted products of our industrial civilization.
The move had been rumored for several months, as word leaked out that the company had developed the technology for producing artificial black holes, and that it would deploy the technology in accordance with the company’s traditional objectives. Waste Supervision is an American waste management, comprehensive waste, and environmental services company. Black holes are an astronomical phenomenon, involving gravitational collapse so intense that even light (and therefore unwanted trash) cannot escape from one. Heretofore, black holes have not been known to be any closer than distant parts of our galaxy. Locating one on earth would certainly be a first.
Dr. Werner Holden, spokesman for Waste Supervision, confirmed that the black hole technology, which should put Waste Supervision far ahead of competitors, was largely the brainchild of a key employee, whom Dr. Holden declined to name. “For now, let’s just call him Mr. X,” he said. “Mr. X dropped out from a graduate physics program at one of our major universities when his experimental black hole technology was not accepted as a thesis topic. Mr. X had been a kind of physical science savant in his department, one who developed clever experiments on selected topics, with the goal of enhancing his own understanding and that of others. This made him popular with other students and with some faculty, particularly faculty who could then offload their teaching assignments onto Mr X. Eventually, Mr. X wanted to understand General Relativity better and, through his unique abilities, he hit on the black hole technology.”
When a reporter asked why this breakthrough had not been sufficient for a thesis topic, Dr. Holden replied, “Well as I said, Mr. X was a bit of a savant. His qualifying exams at the university were not good, as his conceptual difficulty with, for example, 3-dimensional Green’s Functions and his poor comprehension of irreducible tensor operators hurt him badly in course work. This was because he could not devise his preferred practical learning tools for those required topics. However, he did do that for General Relativity, thus developing his now-famous artificial black hole. Moreover, he needed a little “infrastructure” to complete the proof of concept, and we could provide that. Well, the university’s loss is Waste Supervision’s gain, I would say. We’re proud of Mr. X, and may eventually release his name.”
Another reporter asked if the US government wanted to classify the black hole technology and possibly weaponize it. Dr. Holden answered, “No we haven’t heard about that. The task of turning a black hole into a missile payload and launching it at an enemy seems to me to be far less feasible than just having it stay put in New Jersey, as our company prefers to do. But if other entities have creative ideas about using the technology, we could discuss licensing.”
When asked exactly where in New Jersey the black hole facility would be located, Dr. Holden said, “We have narrowed down the list, and each place has appeared in the punch line of a joke about New Jersey. I know, that’s not very specific but it’s all I have for now. Next question.” Reporters speculated that Secaucus, Hoboken, and Perth Amboy could well head the list.
Another questioner asked how this breakthrough in technology will affect the shadowy waste disposal practices of New Jersey contractors with links to organized crime. Dr. Holden said, “We checked into that and noted that organized crime minions find the waste disposal run into the swamp lands to be a low-status activity these days; they’re tired of sticking their dumbest kids with the job and would be only too happy to get rid of it. So we’re good to go.”
Dr. Holden was then asked about EPA and other government approvals for the black hole site. Wouldn’t that be difficult? “I really don’t expect a regulatory problem from this business-friendly administration in Washington,” Dr. Holden said. “I mean, black holes are not against the law in any way, and Congress is not in the mood to pass new laws and regulations against free enterprise.” When asked about the size of the keep-out zone around the black hole, and whether it would endanger the surrounding area, Dr. Holden said, “That’s all proprietary, but we’ve talked to many residents of the state and most of them said that they wouldn’t mind if certain parts of New Jersey fell into a black hole.”
A recently appointed EPA official in Washington, who wished to remain anonymous, seemed to confirm Dr. Holden’s anticipated government attitudes. “Jumping in and regulating a clean disposal technology like black holes sounds like something a Democrat administration would do,” he declared.
Dr. Holden called for one last question, which was: Where does the trash end up when it falls into a black hole? “That’s a great final question,” he said, “and you’ll have to ask an astronomer but I don’t think even they know. The good news is that we’re pretty sure all of it is first broken into elementary particles. At that point, it may go into another universe but then it will be another universe’s problem, not ours.”
copyright 2018 Tim Maloney
A pathetic thing happened on the way to the Senate
NRA spokesman blows balls off
(Washington DC) A National Rifle Association executive was severely injured this morning when a Luger 10mm, semi-automatic pistol, stuffed down the front of his pants inexplicably discharged blowing his testicles over into Maryland. The pistol-toting lobbyist, a leading voice against gun control in any form, was cheated and released from St. Roscoe’s Retired Congressmen’s Hospital in Arlington according to his wife.
He had been on his way to Congress to deliver weekly cash payments to senators and congressmen who “understood the reality of arms and munitions in the 21st Century”. The explosion was far more intense than one might expect due to the estimated 800 hits of Viagra stored next to the weapon in his pants pocket.
“He had seen Sylvester Stallone or gangsters in Goodfellows carry pistols in this manner and figure it was acceptable,” said an aide. “He just forgot safety procedures in his haste to make a good impression on the legislative body. We’re still not sure how he go the gun through the webs of security that blanket the chambers.”
“There’s nothing that says love like a KG-99 or other assault pistol behind the old trouser snake zipper,” offered one late night talk show host in his monologue. It’s the one-two punch that went “Boom!” he said.
– Gloria de Quirke
Need to swap my 9 foot ceiling for an 8 foot ceiling. It’s getting too hard to swat flies at the 9 foot level. Straight across deal. No attached walls please. Call by noon. Hurry!” Ask for Mike.
LOS NIVELES DE MAR CRECIENTES AMENAZAN LAS CUENTAS DE LA ORILLA
Los principales meteorólogos y expertos en clima prohibidos de las reuniones patrocinadas por la Casa Blanca sobre el cambio climático dicen que elevar los niveles oceánicos creará estragos en las localidades costeras ya en el próximo verano Un objetivo particularmente vulnerable de este fenómeno planetario son los innumerables pozos de dinero creados por ejecutivos corporativos que evaden los impuestos y los ricos ociosos.
“Construir su casa en la arena y toda esa podredumbre ha llegado a su hogar en una percha empapada”, dijo un científico que ha pasado los últimos 30 años estudiando leones marinos en los alrededores costeros.
“Hemos visto la acumulación de agua, patrones de tormentas viciosas e incluso el comportamiento agresivo de leones marinos generalmente dóciles contra los nadadores en el Pacífico”, dijo. “Podemos esperar más ataques de animales que pueden terminar siendo los cuidadores del planeta después de que los humanos nos extingamos. Puede apostar a que no habrá mucha perforación o fracking cerca de estos escondites para desestabilizar el medio ambiente local”.
La gran pregunta sigue siendo: ¿Es Terra Firma lo suficientemente resistente como para soportar el peso de esta cornucopia pecuniaria y una variedad de cargas emocionales generadas y exacerbadas por la presencia de delincuentes en estas hermosas playas? Parece Atlantis para los ricos, donde la evasión fiscal reemplaza a Neptuno como el Rey de los Océanos.
Ambas partes de la controversia coinciden en que la inundación de estos reductos fiscales es un resultado involuntario de la continua negación del cambio climático provocado por el hombre. Ayer, la Guardia Costera intercepta 4 yates enormes que transportan metales preciosos, gemas y lingotes de oro, así como materiales de construcción a un destino no revelado.
Las fuentes no confiables aquí creen que los barcos estaban destinados a cuentas lejanas de la costa, propiedad de los ricos e inmorales. Los políticos republicanos y otros continúan en riesgo en el continente debido a filtraciones en el techo de la Cámara de los Reprensibles. Un plan salado y empapado, descubierto en el bolso del vicepresidente Mike Pence por lo que los patriotas republicanos llamaron “agentes comunistas gay de Irán”, exige la construcción de 75 mansiones en las nuevas comunidades marítimas.
“Si los israelíes pueden hacerlo, aunque en semidesierto, nosotros también podemos hacerlo en alta mar”, alardeó. En otras noticias, los republicanos de la Cámara de Representantes aprobaron lo que los débiles demócratas llaman una resolución Pinnochio “sesgada y ponderada”, a pesar de que nadie se había molestado en leer la fábula.
El nuevo proyecto de ley lubrica los derechos disminuidos, el robo de los beneficios de la red de seguridad, la adopción de falsedades y el acaparamiento del dinero de otras personas. Para una historia sin relación, pero fabulosa, por favor dirígete a los Broncos para posponer la exclusión de los puntos destacados de la NFL semanal: se interrumpió constantemente debido a una mala jugada. en Soft News
LOS TATUAJES PUEDEN AÑADIR AÑOS A LA VIDA
(Needle Rock, CA) Adornando el cuerpo con tatuajes puede tener algunos efectos positivos de acuerdo con un nuevo estudio recién publicado por la Escuela de Psicometría de Cal Polygamy. Según hallazgos claros, las personas con tatuajes viven más tiempo, en promedio, que las personas sin diseños. De los sujetos probados en marzo de 1925 y nuevamente en mayo de 1926, entrevistados en 1990 y 2006, casi el 80% de los que tenían tatuajes todavía están pateando. La mayoría parece ser marineros, a menudo de buques mercantes y arrastreros de pesca.
“Había muchos más de estos viejos tipos de sal vivos en 1990 que en 2006”, dijo el Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, (del equipo Gladstone Pennywhistles, téngalo en cuenta) del departamento. “Tendremos que escribir eso en función de la inflación. La encuesta tiene un componente de inexactitud incorporado del 14%, que es un poco alto para este tipo de estudios”.
Los investigadores aún no saben qué harán con los hallazgos hasta que todos los datos puedan analizarse más detenidamente y compensarse con otros estudios similares. En la actualidad, ni la FDA ni la AMA han respaldado la exhibición de tatuajes, o incluso piercing en el cuerpo, a pesar de los vínculos con las inyecciones de refuerzo y los usos de las sanguijuelas en el tratamiento.
La reacción dentro de la comunidad de tatuajes y pintura corporal fue resguardada por grupos de defensa que insistían en que los tatuajes “nunca se refieren a la mortalidad, y ciertamente no a la moralidad”. Los salones locales informan un ligero repunte en el tráfico sin nada dramático.
“Siempre vemos muchas caras nuevas en las vacaciones”, dijo Syd Fahrdt, propietario de Seaweed Tattoo en Delta. “No sé qué vamos a hacer con todas estas vidas desdentadas tatuadas en sus años noventa y más. Estamos teniendo suficientes problemas para pagar Sociable Security como es”.
No se ha establecido ninguna conexión entre estos descubrimientos y el bien documentado intento de los cirujanos argentinos de transplantar un ego humano en una losa de carne.
– Boca Pequeña Bess
BLOOD ON THE BLACKBOARD
House passes legislation banning shootings at private schools
(Gunsmoke) The United States House of Reprehensibles today passed the first of many promised gun control measures aimed at curbing violence in the nation’s schools. Targeting private schools first, the lawmakers voted unanimously to outlaw shootings at these institutions of learning.
“We feel that the students of privilege should be protected first, then if there are funds available we will look at solutions for the rest of the citizenry and their children,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy-TX). “After all their parents used to pay more taxes than the parents of those students at public schools. We must protect the future leaders of the Fatherland.”
Whether the ban will have any affect has yet to be seen since mass murderers rarely follow the letter of the law. So far right-to-life advocates have remained mute on this life and death debate causing many to wonder how they define the terms.
“It’s just a gesture, said House Speaker Gerrymander Ryan-McConnell. “A move to let people know we care. My kids are in private school. Aren’t yours?” he smiled at a group of supporters present at the passage of the bill.
The NRA has recently taken issue with reported number of school shootings so far in the US in 2018 “Only 15, not 18 (as the mainstream press has reported)” says powerful gun lobby.
“Right there we can see the desperate propaganda spewed by these hateful liberals that want to take our country toward communism,” said Noise. Liars all. It’s a damn good thing NRA members are standing up for their rights.”
Related plans to arm teachers and mine playgrounds at public schools will continue with a final reading of the proposals in the senate on Friday.
“Hey, the liberals bitch because we pay for education with local taxes and the rich have good schools while the poor suck it up one more time,” added Noise. Let’s get real. It’s all about money. These people need to quit school and embrace minimum wage opportunities that abound out there.”
More than 90% of the current student body in the United States would be unaffected by the move. These public school children have fallen outside the safety net and will be dealt with when other more pressing issues such as gay marriage and legal pot are undressed.
Meanwhile sales of assault weapons are brisk in apprehension of the day when Democrat storm troopers will come for all flintlocks and pocketknives.
– Fred Zeppelin
Boner Question: HOW MANY CONGRESSMEN HAVE STOOD UP AND RETURNED THEIR BRIBE MONEY TO THE NRA SINCE THE SHOOTINGS IN FLORIDA?
