All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Psyched Out
with Doctor Edwin Whom, Phd.
Regional Hatred Healthy
Although it gets a lot of bad press regional hostility can be quite productive. For one thing it clearly defines a common enemy and allows for families and villages to pull together without a lot of petty bickering among the leaders, anxiety about pecking order and passive aggressive distrust of neighbors. A tranquil village is a happy village and all without therapeutic drugs.
Regional hatred also promotes the creation of many high-performance cells of ex-patriots and gifted assassins in places like Paris and New York. Without bigotry and anger many of these people might be stuck in their crummy villages without the slightest chance to see the world. It is in this way that antagonistic cultures can export thoughts and philosophies while not showing poker hands back home.
Perhaps the most important advantage to be gained from the ethnic and racial hatred is in the field of culinary art. Clannish and ethnic elitism is partly responsible for most of the regional cuisines in a place like China, for instance. How do you think the distinction between Hunan and Szechwan came about? What about Italian food or Soul Food? Why is Cajun food so expensive?
This is not to imply that ethnic hostilities always result in better groceries. Despite all the problems they have created over the years the British, somehow, were not blessed with a cuisines of their own, so they stole one from the Irish.
Another benefit of regional hatred comes in the from of a boon to the flag business. The more different warring factions in the field the more flags are sold. In 2017 alone some 137,000 flags were manufactured
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Thirsty in Kenmare?
The Horseshoe Pub in Kenmare offers genuine Irish hospitality. Photo by Maureen Haley
State to burn excess run-off
(Denver) Due to rumors of increased moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.
Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.
“What we want to avoid here is late summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”
Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.
Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.
“If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.
Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their burgeoning sources are cut off.
“We really enjoy the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch their lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman.
Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than burned. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of combustible chemicals.
“We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know the results until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, there’s all that salt with which to contend.”
– Pepper Salte
Colorado will file charges against tomato purveyors
(Garden of the Gods) Colorado is finally confronting bad tomatoes that, like apples, can spoil the bushel. In an unsuspected reshuffling of produce priorities the attorney general’s office will pursue criminal charges against parties bringing tasteless fruit into the state.
A tomato that look like a tomato but tastes like cardboard is the target of the action. Besides sending a dangerous message to taste buds these pulpy nightshade phonies seriously protract and decelerate gastronomic advancements common to other cultures.
Acknowledging that these efforts is not meant as vague consumer protection or the adoption of cloudy restrictions on the import of other fruits and vegetables the prosecutors agreed that legislation alone will not improve taste. Harvesting the tomatoes while they are not ripe is the bugaboo that ranks shipping ease ahead of quality. Until this practice is remedied the problem will remain.
‘Past failures at setting the bar for what is a good tomato and what is a bad one have needlessly created a culinary emergency,” said a spokesman for the state. “Misappropriation in quality control, corporate expediency, mindless consumerism and outright fraud have all contributed to this mess,” she said.
“If people would simply refuse to buy these facsimiles and demand the real thing the market would correct itself overnight,” said a green grocer who refuses to sell fake produce. “These red herrings are nothing more than replicas, like the plastic offerings that inhabit non-perishable bowls in tacky kitchen displays and Dutch Master still-life paintings.”
Plans to subsidize organic gardens remains on the table with many lawmakers edgy that people have already accepted these impersonators as the real thing like they often do with so many other civic and clerical intrusions into their lives.
“At this point we are not looking at a blockade or of imposed sanctions against perpetrators but all options are still in play,” said a source from the attorney general’s office. “However we are monitoring public input which often turns resentful, even bitter as traditional summer salad season emerges.
– Pepper Salte
Spring Dining Guide
MO’S TOWN SOUL FOOD CAFE, “Where we turn over the tablecloth for you,” (3763 Indian Massacre Blvd. Wimpton). Mo has been around since they built the Riverside Snowshed and she’s been feeding people even longer than that. The pre-Mon-troid cuisine includes Franco-American Spaghetti, frozen TV dinners, assorted frozen pot pies, bologna sandwiches and fish sticks. Why eat at home when you can dine out? Try Mo’s- “Where the Can is King!”
THE KENNEL LOUNGE, (Sapinero Center). How about Birdseed Etouffe or Turtle on the Half Shell? It’s all here! Kibble Quiche, Bones Rockefeller or Magpie Pie. All entrees served in a dirty dish out on the back stairs. Reservations discarded.
NAUTILUS STEAKHOUSE, (Ophir Loop North, two blocks from the dump). Finally someone has combined the fitness rage with the eating obsession. After a brief orientation, diners find themselves inhaling pepperoni pizzas during sit-ups as well as baked potatoes and 1/2 chicken during aerobics. Pot boys in muscle hats, too! Developed by Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of “Feel Good Fat,” which is on sale in the lobby. Get “The Doc” to autograph your copy. He’s probably in the bar.
CHATEAU MARMOT, Redstone. Ribs by the truckload. All you can eat by the hour, day, week or month. Three corpse meals from $6.50. Omelets so tasty you’d never know they use powdered eggs. Prime Squid is just $11, while New York Snake goes for $9.95. “Bodacious vittles” says Omar Whelp of “Popular Mechanics.” “Plenty of empty tables,” says Sue Croppy of “Woodworker’s Anonymous.” Closed February.
NICK’S ASBESTOS LOUNGE, Cahone Flagship. “Give them two or three stiff drinks and they won’t criticize the food.”- Nick Pelaruskas. Specializing in entrees that begin with “E”. Eggrolls, eclairs, escargot, enchiladas and eel are some examples. 40 percent gratuity required with groups of more than one. “ Dirtiest kitchen in the San Juans.”- Health inspector.
OUR PROMISE TO YOU: IF YOU CAN EAT AFTER READING THIS NEWSPAPER WE’LL BUY YOUR DINNER AT ONE OF THE RESTAURANTS LISTED ABOVE.
DIVINE POWER RANKINGS
Week 86 (Perceived Armageddon)
1. Jesus Christ. Missionary network keeps the offense competitive. Home field advantage may curtail problems with simple playbook taken to extremes by fans. Righteous in the Red Zone will make the difference when push comes to shove.
2. Mohammed. Fan base, although greatest on planet, may not be enough in the Fourth Quarter. This franchise is hot and getting hotter despite radical element that favors the blitz and the long pass down field. Only current setbacks center around failure to control the line of scrimmage.
3. Buddha. Many veterans returning after previous lives. Despite trouble with Hindu running backs, the defensive line continues to please season ticket holders (ancestors). Good karma in defensive backfield may lead to a host of turnovers.
4. Moses. Back to back losses to the Egyptians and the Philistines should set the stage for a final showdown in the playoffs. Chosen people at tight end and special teams may have parted the Red Sea but can they contain a kosher running game? Sore arms and legs (from building pyramids in Egypt) may shorten career.
5. Gandhi. Hindu passing game coming on at the end. Will Gandhi be able to unite the elements and address the problems of the untouchables on the sideline? Too many minor deities in the huddle. Jain special teams unconvincing at season’s end.
8. Martin Luther. (Too borrow from a bad joke) If he can found Protestantism, why can’t he find an open receiver down field? Nailing play lists on the locker room door may not be enough to motivate in the last days of feudalism. Addition of John Calvin, George Fox, John Wesley and Mary Baker Eddy may muddy the solution to turnovers and mental lapses on special teams.
9. Abraham. Although first drafted by the Jews, the Muslims and Christians sought his services as line coach. Probably the best player ever to come out of Ur. Stone tablets a little too cumbersome for effective booth consultation. Beard may get in the way of Xs and Os.
10. Brigham Young. Just when things look the darkest a new quarterback emerges from the flock. Tough on home turf but does not play well to more sophisticated defenses. Settling for a field goal won’t win many matches.
11. St Paul. The other teams have figured out the flea flicker, the end around and the play action pass. Home sermons focused on Jesus and Martin Luther should determine who gains a bye and who hits the road. No beer in the fourth quarter originated here.
12. The Popes. Despite all the money, established rituals, extravagant uniforms and promises of the Promised Land it has grown increasingly difficult to field a team. Vatican squad losing fan base. Hail Mary not enough these days. Need a miracle to get back on track. – Dolly Lamar
“The clearest way to the Universe is through a forest wilderness.” – John Muir
